Feeler

blug.

grrr, i wasn't present at this morning's remedial class in macro. jejo went in the bathroom first and he didn't emerge from it until i was 10 minutes late of schedule. damn, sayang, i was supposed to copy notes because im extremely lagging behind in econ101. but because of my cousin who like slept inside the bathroom for more than 30 minutes, i was absent at the remedial... thank you thank you...

anyways, i completed my cdc's today. we played with kids and twas fun seeing them play volleyball and dodgeball and patintero at the sunken garden.





then cwts. we had groupings for payatas tutorials. my group consists of: me, bida, tin, sarsi, ayen, trina, joshua, aimee, kat, nikka, fatima, jj, daryl, michel, and jc... yey! our group was so kalog, im sure everything will be fun.





things to watch out for:
jj and trina's love affair...
jj's leadership efficiency (because he was elected as our leader)
me and my partner in crime's (ayen) ... crimes... hehe... we'll be such a headache.

but i dont think cwts is fun. i think it's boring...

and oh by the way... *change mood*

im just having sentiments over what people think of me. i think they think im such an airhead who's so full of myself that i think im the most appealing person in the world. well to everyone who thinks so, let me tell you this...

im just rejoicing over the fact that someone thinks i contain physical beauty at least. i mean cmon, who would not be proud of this thing. for 17 years i have never heard anybody say im likeable or whatver. i feel like people think that im too full of myself that me being told that im cute is almost sarcastic. im sorry if i feel proud for having me as body and face because for the whole span of my childhood i have never felt like people loved me. everyone made me feel like im ugly and weird and outlandish, and for the first 15 years of my life i have never felt like i deserve my being. so forgive me if im too joyful for being told that im cute, because for me, it really matters. it's not just spoiling, it's proving to me that im somehow likeable and that society doesn't reject me...

im just trying hard to fit in. something i never liked doing.

when we were out at the cdc, a kid asked ate ajean who i was. the kid asked ate ajean if i was her boyfriend, and she said im guwapo... and it did register in me greatly. i fear that being called guwapo is bad. because people will think of you like your such a feeler.

im not that good-looking anyways. that would be so stupid of me if 'id think so highly of myself.

-angry-