Money, Work, and the Many Reasons I Feel so Jaded

let's talk about work.

remember i work as a service associate for french processes? My exact title is French Service Associate 1 - Montreal Segregated Funds, just so you know. Sounds out there, but it's just your usual business processor, only everything i lay my hands on is in french.

now unlike most of us, or at least most that i know, i am lucky to have found a work that makes me feel proud i have it. i love my work, for a multitude of reasons.

one, it rationalizes the four years i spent at the University, shitting away in my own multilingual world. my major was economics, my minor was french, and whenever someone asks me what my degree is, I usually end up getting a frowny face, or a hundred and one pieces of advice why i should shift somewhere else. im proud to say that i didn't waste all those years for nothing. this is a job ive been groomed for.

two, i love work because this is relatively, only ever so slightly, easier than my previous jobs. when i graduated college, i was immediately flung into the dog-eat-dog world of real estate. i worked as a collections associate, and man, was it the most demoralizing work in this entire universe. you cater to clients who are understandably very finicky. Human nature dictates that you go tiger-mode when other people hold your money. In this scenario, i used to be the "other people" and they were the tigers. i remember my worst day, it was my birthday, and i spent the whole morning rationalizing with an extremely angry and fiery client. I was arguing that I don't have the payment for her condominium yet, when she's claiming she'd already submitted it and she wants the receipt. by the time work is over that day, i found myself slumped on the blue-slate world of the toilets, thinking to myself... why? why this? after a dozen more beatings, and four months later, i found myself excusing my manager and submitting my resignation letter.

I was free, but only for a moment. the relief was fleeting. i had to find work because it was nearing the holidays and i desperately need the money. i was then employed as a technical support agent, and for days i talked for 9 straight hours over the avaya phone, trying to figure out how my stupid client bugged out his computer. i left two months later due to acute laryngitis.

so you see, what im doing now is less stressful than my previous ones. and those two reasons are the just those that stand out, among other things.

BUT... A HUGE and in ALL-CAPS "BUT..."

disclaimer: mood changes here. negativity imminent.

I AM NOT HAPPY.

I developed this mantra: "everything for the pursuit of happiness..." like in the movie. but yes it's true, that in this life, we live for our own happiness; otherwise, you've wasted a life.

Im not happy. Im stressed to my limits... not by my work, but my life.

I love my work more than my life... isn't that a bad thing? A free-spirit told me, "Leave before your work eats you. You should always put your life first," It's not that easy, J.

I am extremely stressed about managing my finances. I love my work, but after all, im still a lowly employee who rank-and-file; i dont get as much as a management trainee, or researcher. i think, for the 16 years of quality education under my belt, im being slightly undercompensated.

"Kimoy libre naman, LP pa lang richie rich ka na..." little miss A told me.

"Not really, believe it or not, im just making Php*insert figure here* a month," I replied. she double took and said, "Really? In IBM, if you're literate in some other language, they make one and a half times as much..."

I said, "I know."

..

Money, despite it's superficiality, is unfortunately my life's reality.

I talked to some other colleague who's about to resign and will be leaving for another country. She told me, "... I have goals eh, i want to do them before I turn 25. And I think I'm running out of time...' roughly... She says she might be pursuing her dreams abroad. i told her im very happy for her. and i envy her... "I wish i have the guts to follow my dreams."

actually, i wish i have the money to follow my dreams.

I want to go abroad, take up a masters degree, and come back when Im more knowledgeable. but that would command as much money as i would make in two years, at the rate im being paid right now.

uff. it's all about money. i kept telling everyone around me at work, "you know what guys, our salary must be lifestyle-based..." of course that's unfair, but in my defense, you won't always find an econ grad who's literate in french right? im only saying. i muse to myself, thinking yes i do love my work, but does it love me as much? if it doesn't understand that im a very cosmopolitan person, it would never understand how much i need the money. my urbanite is very hard to understand for most people.

"Hindi nga lahat may increase! Depende yun..."

Depende yun saan? sa pagkatao?? i think it's clear that some people are given more preference than others, which is inequitable.

"F its d pay dat's worrying u, name it and mayb we can do a compromise. But rest assurd, it will b highr. And in our call center, we offer othr competitve benefits othr than ung salary. Pde ka din namin i endorse 4 trainings abroad or f u want to stay hir, we can offer u loans or help u out in d financial aspect kung gusto mo mag-master..." a very long text message from a talent-supply representative from another company. "i'll kip my lines open fr 2 more mnths, if we recruit nobdy, the job wil be reverted back to canada. sayang naman ung exams mo. remember, we can offer u bettr benefits plus a signing bonus."

this was my correspondence a month ago with Dencomm Philippines, a call center, just before I was regularized... the offer was very tantalizing, but i declined it because it's not that easy to leave a job you love so much. plus it's a call center; even though he told me i'll only render voice half of the time, it's still a call center. im done with it, it killed my throat.

huff.

but then again, i neeed the money. i dont wanna sound greedy, but i need as much before i can focus. Im tired of asking my mum for ti-ching.

but i love my work. im not planning to leave anytime soon.

unless.

-canada-