Breathing Hopelessness

how could life be so cruel? i know there lots of people out there less fortunate than i am, but what's the point givin me all the shit?

just when i thought its all over, i get a failing grade in a subject everyone aces. i get a 5. everyone else is ahead of me now, so im all alone again.

the only conclusion left is that im an economics-illiterate simpleton who had the guts to buy a Php700 jacket with a label "Ekonomista ng Bayan" on and spend bucks for a shirt brandishing the school i called home, whence i dont even make it past mathematical econ.

man.

this is lost. really. the only thing i can say after this ordeal is that i knew how to feel lost, and i mean LOST with a capital DARKNESS - not just the superficial thing teenage grumpiness gives to grumpy teenagers.

i would have to take chem16 during summer, because there are no summer classes for econ106. next semester, it will be total crunch, because id tackle three economic subjects, two of which are responsible for cutting the econ population into half, while trying to get a high gwa to lift myself up from probation.

i dunno if i can do it.

...

i feel so alone. i hate mum now because she is such a stonehearted bitch who's not only selfish but also such a depressive that she always whines and does that "im weak" thing. a child dont want a mother to be like that you know. that's why i feel like its so unfair, because when i cry "mama!" no one will come to attend to me. i have to do everything by myself. unlike other people who could have their mums stand by their sides when they make this decision or that. all i want is support. i want to go back to my forte, i want to get out of econ, i want to prepare for medschool! but whos there to support me when i do it? no one. not my mum. in fact she'll just erupt in a series of whines.

uff.

now my dreams are gone. when i think of them, i just feel this painful pang on my chest. and i realize that people just think im delusional for having dreamt of medschool, when i simply cant.
i just hope my gastroenteritis gets the good out of my self before luck catches up on me. i wanna die now. coz there's no more good in this world. nothing. once i thought life has a way of giving good people with good dreams a good life, i was wrong.

i was wrong for even trying to be a good person.

-...-