I Speak

im so sad.

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bakit ba ganun? happiness is such an elusive feeling. the times you are sad are like 10 times the times you are happy.

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early this morning, i was informed that i didnt get in the rvc.

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sad. after all the hard work, the early morning call-times, the patience in the interviews, i still didnt get in.

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later this morning, i was overwhelmed by a disappointing 2.25 grade in econ109.

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which makes me realize - i have never done anything right. lagi na lang may mali. i would wake up each day to fail. ive had tons of failures already, that sometimes, i wouldn't want to wake up anymore.

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i feel so stupid. now. my golden days had already gone by. underappreciated.

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mama called a while ago. she asked me if im done with my volunteer thing. i said yes, and that i didnt get in. she said she was ill, and asked me if im going home soon, because i cant possibly do so, because my oppressors are at the house, so id have to go to rosario, batangas instead.

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its hard feeling out of place. especially in your own house. it makes me feel so alone. it makes everything around me a hopeless case.

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i cant feel anyone caring anymore.

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when i wanted to get some caring from the thing i called family once, my mum would just tell me she's ill, or that she's tired, or that she's weak. "may trangkaso ako eh." "nanghihina ako." "hindi ko na kaya mga gastusin eh."

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it makes me wanna cry. knowing that theres no stronger force behind me to catch me when i fall...

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...

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how many sad entries do i have write in order to give me something i can write so happily about?

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...

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i was reading julie's blog a while ago. she shared chats with lemy, a high school classmate. i envy them. deeply. because they can talk about medschool freely, and they can plan their years ahead. unlike me, i cant even see my tomorrow. it pains me, when i brood over my inadequacy for business, when i think that i was born to be a scientist instead of a businessman, when i think that im letting people destroy my dreams.

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now i have nothing. ive given up my dreams. nothing's inside me anymore. no conviction, no goals. im a walking nonsense.

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im so spent. for being solitary. for cheering my own when no one does. for telling myself that im strong and i can get through this, when deep down i know im just making a fool out of myself. sometimes i would just want to get the scissors and cut myself, or jump out the window into the gravelly parking lot below, or hang myself so id be free of all the torment, the pain, the silence. i wonder how it feels, when you let go of your soul.

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would it be quick? sweet? painful?

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if it was not a sin to kill.

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...

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how many more years of this? i cant live this life forever.

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to tin, thank you for talking to me. thank you for trusting me your secrets, because i sure will keep them. you know the things ive done, to you, to my friends. and you know im sorry. i just hope you continue believing in me, that im a friend. because i think at the moment, you are the only one i have.

-im tired-