Substitute People

huff... i can hardly breathe. it's like im barely there. nakalutang lang sa ere...

i remember my tito telling me about the tremors of having asthma... "para kang nalulunod sa hangin..." if i can only go back to him and tell him that it feels the same when you're stressed... one more friggin week, i can see the end of the tunnel. but i can also see the obstacles lying before it. 5 days supressed of sleep, wow, i can't believe it. this is the most stressful week ever, and im still here.

a split second before water hit me this morning, a thought crossed my mind. it was about momentum, the speed of movement in the fourth dimension, forces of attraction and repulsion, how the universe manages to exist in chaos.

my momentum accords itself with forces of repulsion. i move with torques, endlessly orbiting a focal point until a larger force throws me off orbit. it's like giving up.. it is basically giving up, to a bigger force, a different vector, something like fate, or god, or God...

a split second before water hit me this morning, two drops of blood trickled down my fingertips...

...

have you ever heard of "substitute people?" i picked the idea up from some semi-jaded movie produced last year. substitute people are those who live to entertain. they are not exactly comedians, they exist to complete the growth of some people. substitutes are the people you laugh with when you're happy. they are the people you can cry on when you're sad. they are the people who listens to your stories, giving you space so you can create a one-man show. they do not tell their stories back, because the only stories they have in mind are their previous encounters with other people doing the same thing as you are doing. you can rant at them without having someone rant at you back. substitutes are pensieves, internet blogs that have come to life.


i have been a substitute for some people these past few days. it's kind of hard, really, not being able to find a release for the accumulating stress. it's like being an inflated balloon, continually sucking up air until it's as big as possible. one pinch and it bursts. it's weird. it's hard but it makes me realize how strong i am, but then, i ask myself it there really is any strength in silence.

the only thing im sure right now is that i want people around me to be happy. i want to relieve other people's pain. i feed other people's egos because i believe in upward growth more than crab mentality. it is an altruistic side, something most people lack.

i wonder now, where are the other substitutes in the world? clashes will never happen if one side of the collision becomes an acceptor, a cushion. if it happens, everything will be a single-way movement. and the world will not live in chaos anymore.

im being a lunatic for believing in complements.

-E8-