Sad Entry

"d2 ako sa hosptal, comatose si tya luming. may problems pa sa bahay, lumayas na sila diana. nagka-commotion kagbi... bkt ano ba problema?"

that was the text message i received when, out of mental exhaustion, i finally sought help from my mum. i had to pay three tickets for the ecosoc event, worth 150 each, by friday. i have to buy new garbs for the event. i have to give mum the new contracts for the condo for the renewal. i have to pay my bills, and the laundry. i have to clean the unit. i have to study. i have to stay alive. when i was too tired to do them all, i sought help, but then i get this text message.

shit.

if i ever am inadequate as a collegian, if i ever am wasting the youth that for fun and life was sought after by the richest of people, if i ever am going to regret it if i never went out on a real party since i cant remember, i pardon myself. forgive me, but it is hard to stay alive in a world that breathes sadness and isolation; hard to stay alive during days when life gives me a different meaning to schizophrenia, the occassional episodes of emotional torments tear me apart, and when past ghosts come and haunt me, i cry myself to sleep.

i lock myself in quietness to protect my vulnerable soul from an incubus called life.

this week i got back my individual project, and to be honest, my heart broke when i looked at the red scribbles on the margin. my precious project; i have wasted so much time and effort for. i stressed myself, voided myself of sleep, put so much effort to create a poster that calls for mitigating the pollution of noise. that's why i simply had to hold my tears from falling when a 34 overrode the perfect 35. i didn't deserve a mistake.

but what else is new? my first exam, that fucking exam, i studied so much for it. basically imprisoned myself just to get the words right, the equations right, just so i can tell a story from a fucking graph. i almost cried when i got back the paper - i almost failed the exam, much to my regret.

my ego is drowning on a murky ocean of failures.

im back to point zero. where is help? where is happiness? where is the strength when i needed it? all i have now is the bright smile i flash when people around look at me. the last thing people want to see is a fucked up soul struggling to collect itself.

please dont let me be blasphemous for the second time.

-je veux vivre-