Paralyzing Histamine

today is the first time i got real exhausted since i dunno when.

we had our second long exam a while ago, the stomper. my mind was completely blank when i was doing the exam, shit, and my back was numb because it started out really painful this morning. then my hormones did their usual play again, and everything is so complicated when they do it... i dont think i will pass the exam, shit it was really a killer. and im not in my best.

huff.

ninong pete cotauco died yesteryesterday. poor guy. died from cancer. he used to be the dean of the tertiary department of lasalle. he was one of my dad's greatest friends. now they're together in cielo. too bad i wasnt able to spend more time with him... the world just lost a great guy.

...

i dont want to think in this certain way, but i cant resist thinking if everything people do in this life is worth something. i mean worth is so relative, it's almost arbitrary. i work my ass out in chem, just to get me started with my big dreams, and i try to exude this healthy-i-have-a-dream aura for real, but then i look ahead, and start doubting if everything im doing now is worth it. man. it's really a long long way to medschool. i was so unlucky to be doomed with such angst. life's so unfair. everyone else is better. everyone else is enjoying life. everyone else is happy. i thought id be happy doing what i liked doing... i was only half-correct. sometimes, when exams get so depressing, i get all too anxious of whatever, and start losing the hopes i have capitalized from.

i will see the results of my shifting tomorrow. i still want to be in bio no matter what. may it be just a stage, my being weak and whatever. just please... just...

haay. its so hard, man. having no one beside you when you try the waters, having no one to back you up when you feel down, having no one to... erf.

bat ganun?

i suddenly hate everything. i hate my hair. im too ugly. i hate me because im so stupid. i hate my guts. i hate my aristocratic relatives. i hate the tv for not having discovery channel. i hate computer for being so irritatingly useless. i hate my pictures, why is he always smiling? i hate everyone. i hate having bumped into four econ people and waving at them when they greeted me. i hate staying up late at chempav for a teacher who wouldnt come for the consultation. i hate walking alone in a pitch black UP. i hate walking alone in a pitch black UP not knowing that two people are following me. i hate reaching the lighted part of the road and the two people tells me they've watched me go, and they tell me i have a gait. i hate being so bad in the exam, i might have flunked it. i hate mental blocks. i hate everything.

darn.

putangina!!!!!

-pagod na ko-