Size T

eff.

i should be studying now. really. if i want to sleep and wake up the other morning without this proby thing in my head, i should start reading ahead. but then. there are more pressing issues i should attend to.

was in divi all half-day long with niña buying stuff, updating my closet. i had three tees. one boringly green, one brown with a very cocky statement emblazoned on the front, and one white top which is another addition to my white tees collection, comprising almost half of my clothes.

thanks to divi, i now know what the size T means... Teens.

i am tired like hell. maybe the liquors and everything are still in my body that's why im upped and downed all the while. liquors, and my excitement to shop. my brain's shouting at itself, wanting to sleep and at the same time, forage for goodies. erg. so used.

...

i want to have someone who would put my chaotic life into place. someone who gives me peace and quiet by just looking at her eyes.

someone: you have a chaotic life? hindi mukha.

well. yeah. basically im none of the chaotic guys you see in fight club or dukes of hazzard or wherever. yes i am almost perfect. i dont smoke, i drink socially, i know when to study and when to give me a break, i have friends, i am conversant in english, and i am not fat or abnormal or grotesque. i am none of the chaotic person your vocabulary defines for you. but if you just knew what's happening inside of me... if you knew what i have to hear from my self...

maingay.

all the while i have to hear the sighs and screams of my inner being, because after all, i didnt want all of my polished routinary life. inside me, someone screams for affection, someone tells me to enjoy my youth, someone says im so great i can be even greater if i become proactive, someone says im so not great because im secretive and hypergraphic, someone tells me to go kill myself just because, and someone even screams for vengeance for an aspect in my life that still exists in disquiet.

i am all chaotic inside. pacification is that one single medicine that had eluded me for the past 19 years. i sleep with worry, anger, pain, temporary happiness, and excitement in my heart. people may not get me, but im not asking people to understand. so dont argue about what's chaotic and what's not. you're not the one hearing the tormenting voices emanating from my soul. i hope you'd get it if i say "it's quarter life crisis..." but come to think of it, your definition of QLC is too down-to-earth compared to mine.

...

the biggest realization in my life yet is that the only person who could help myself out of all the rut that was, is, and will be, is... myself.

...

talk to me. please.

-c'mon-