Life Overhaul

hmm... another midnight entry, another session with my best friends gravy, french fries, and values-sized mcflurry. i drank my enervon c pampa-hyper vitamins late today, that's why its already 1 in the morning and im still wide awake. im getting hooked to midnight snacking. if this attempt of fattening myself up turns out to be just as futile as the rest of my life, then the hell with it. i'll be the the ectomorph me until they put me into my sarcophagus.

no more uncontrolled tirades of "im tired of this f*ckin life" for now. its another futile effort to release unreleasable stress... so the hell with it also. and instead of blabbering around, i'll get myself reacquainted with the art of WATCHING TV, soak myself in the life of PBB housemates and the competitors of American Idol, my co-strivees in this hollacosta ride.

i dont think depression will quit me, so i embrace it with a smile on the face. its a bit scary, that im actually finding a new normal in this severe depression shitbun, but hey, do i have a choice?

actually, my current state is the most preferable i have yet to experience in a month. i need not dare myself to think of better days because when i get some healthy dose of better days, catastrophe happens the next day. but a perfect standstill standoff day doesnt bring goodness as much as it doesnt bring harm, so, i would prefer this.

and while im brooding over the still-life portrait im pouring in my own plain "life" canvass, i will reset my priorities, and put drive to my undertakings. that way i'll be able to redeem myself, one boring day at a time.

tut tut tut.

too bad though. im starting to make a lackluster dull boy out of me. i decided to lock myself up in my room and do my assignments in accounting instead of bonding in another bond session with my uncohesive high school classmates at mcdo. well. my sacrifice. i hope everyone appreciates it.

it works for me anyways. im the single person in econ who needs to reconstruct my matrix-weathered un-graphing intellect.

one good thing that happened today: i talked to tita connie (SE111) about the system of my course, and asked her whats the best way to go to medschool after i graduate econ. i thought she's going to get me acquainted with the shifting process and stuff, because that's what ive been thinking all this time (after i failed that stupid exam in mathematical econ, there's no other way up but the bumpy path to the institute of bio). instead, she reminded me that econ had the electives to make way for another field of interest, so she referred me to the IB where i got my first copy of a bs biology curriculum.

a simple dream. i know.

i forgot the name of the woman who taught me the next steps i have to take. but whoever she is, i thank you for giving me an inspiration i hope will sustain me until the sem ends. cosmos, cosmos, tell her i thank her.

i have to take 15 units of bio courses to enter medschool. if i will mold my course into a premed course, i would have to take chem16, bio11, bio12, and bio102. that is if i study in diliman. or i could crossreg to upmanila, take zoology 10 and botany 10, and take bio102 anywhere. if i pass them all, then it's... "med school here i come!"

i have to start taking up those subjects, else i'll commence another life in another alien world where the fashion trend will perpetually be business attire instead of green scrubs.

i have to turn the hinges on my railway. now. it's time for a personal overhaul...

another midnight entry, another bloated stomach. i hope i dont die of pancreatitis tonight. i still have my dreams intact. please do not hurt a dreaming person with a big heart and clean intentions. let me dream for now. when i achieve them, then the remote control is yours. i have to reach my goals first, before i give in, before i surrender my soul to whoever. to whatever.

-let me live today, and tomorrow-