Losing Self

dammit.

everything is just so fucked up right now. how could i forget that im close to being homeless this march?

i will have no refrigerator when april comes. by that time jejo would have moved out. i would have to take into hand the transfer of names of all utilities, and i have to buy me some of the appliances that would be gone by april... shit.

why do i have this feeling that when im asked by someone about things im supposed to know, like my course for example, i wouldn't be able to answer? it's disheartening that no matter how bright i was back in high school, college will still weave a different story, a different life for me. in high school, i was a star. in college, im a blackhole sucking all the happiness in the universe, disposing them into my abyssal nothingness, and not utilizing it for my own good, my own inspiration, my own drive to rearrange the paths that's crisscrossed ahead of me.

i became a member of the SE volleyball varsity team without doing a try-out. what am i supposed to make of that? that econ is a single venue in UP where pwede na reaches the farthest extents? i dont consider myself a varsity player because i dont think i deserve it. and start knowing the people in the team - paul especially. that faggish scumbag full of faux sincere small talks of united athletic spirit. one of the worse cases of self-righteous-egos exists within him. i dont think i'll last that long having him within 5 feet radius extended personal bubble..

but...

what am i ranting about when my life isnt so good to compare the world to?

dammit.

and i want sleep. good. soothing. renewing. undisturbed sleep. i cant remember the last time i slept without any care of tomorrow. there will always be thoughts running in my head before i sleep, so that the next morning, my brain is fucked up.

i have everything to lose. i am not a perfect person, but i have everything to lose. im close to saying goodbye to my intellect. i dunno why of all times, i had to deal with the difficulty to integrate things into my brain now. ive become dumber and dumber since i stepped into college. all my subjects are chicken feet, but im struggling to get a passing grade for every exam, because i find it hard to learn. what more study.

ive just reread my short story for creative writing. boy. what the hell have i done? there were a lot of loopholes in my fucking story. and it will be criticqued first tomorrow. damn. my writing is depressing.

being kind is another something i have to lose. ive practiced humility and anger management for the longest time now, but, ugh. nothing. nothing comes back good to me. the law of dharma is failing me. ive once been convinced that being kind will save you from all the hardships of the future, but change is the only constant in the world. the concept of purity of heart evolves from salvaging glory, to a normal, unfruitful so-so. i have cleansed myself, yes, and my inner demons are angels. but. angels never strive in this overly evil world.

see. everything to lose. even my sanity. can i hang myself now?

now is the time when i seek people with depth. im tired of having to play around silly petty whatabouts of silly petty people living their overly vain and nonsensical lives. i want the depth that parallels my own.

i need something that would give me the reason to live this life.

something.
sorry everyone. im a bit disturbed and depressed today.
...
i know it doesn't appear like it... but as they say...
sorry everyone. im a bit off today. i just had a time with my inner self.
the people with the sweetest smiles maybe the people with the heaviest burden.
good luck to ayen and tin for their 99.2. dont let it destroy your lives.

-fucked up-