Finding Home

my inner peace is once again lost.

at 4:30 this afternoon, mum told me the news that jejo will be moving out of the unit and have a solo room at the top floor. because of that, the contract of this room (315) wont be renewed anymore for the next year of stay. mum told me that she cant handle all the expenses because she is currently in a financial slump, so if i fail to look for a new unit with a lower lodging fee now, i would be forced to reside at my relatives' in cainta, which is two jeepney rides away.

fuck. of all times naman, ngaun pa. so once again, nabulabog na naman ako. i thought i have finally rooted my feet on the ground. but people change, and the course of their actions take a toll on everyone surrounding them.

i will be homeless by the end of march.

from 5:05 to 7 i have toured the length of e. abada, scouring for a new unit that would meet the budget and wouldn't get me so far flung from civilization. i found one, but i dont feel the place. 315 is just the room for me. this is perfect, and i cant possibly do another moving out.

im leaving my options open to non-dormitory residences (because i cant live a normal life in the double-decks of dorms). and i want my home to be close to UP, because im not that good in travelling.

but my mind is always in 315. somehow, my soul integrated iteslf in the four blank white walls of this sinister building. i think of the other places i would be forced to live, try to picture a happy life, but failed. life is just here. here is where i want to ground myself for a better future. another moving out will only leave me distracted, lost, stressed, and depressed.

i am so sad today. thinking of how the effect of jejo's moving out would ruin my university life makes me feel weak and angry. my dreams are crashing down into rubbles.

but somehow, i anticipated this. i knew this was gonna happen, sooner or later. a month of no talk doesn't leave room for affection. and in this abyssal silence, i feel like nasiraan na ko. SINIRAAN NA KO. i dont want to think like this but i have a gut feeling that there is someone out there who thinks im a bad person and jejo has to get a room for himself. and i know a plan, hideous and unhumanitarian, is working at the back of this. i see the fine lines. i look at you in my mind, and grimace for being failed by a person who i first thought was perfect. it turns out you're as human as everyone else.

i seek the strong and assertive encouragements of a mom, but my mum only gave me back the whines i delivered to her. it's like a declarative saying that between me and her, i am stronger, and i take all the hardship and pain living my dream as a college student.

so i am in this by myself. she doesn't care as long as she can pay for the expenses. the cheaper the better. my comfort and convenience is a last priority, everything is just a matter of pesos.

i am tired.

i am young, and i am tired. tired of life. i think of working to suffice the financing of the unit, so i dont have to move out anymore, but i am weak inside. i cannot do it anymore. i think of doing semestral jobs in line with my study, so i can at least ease the burden of debts... but opportunities just aren't coming. think of accounting, econ106, finding a new unit, paying for the new unit, moving all my things, adjusting in the new environment, all at the same time, makes me feel like killing myself.

i am young and i want to be saved from hardship. i dont want to feel poverty, because i choose to think that the young are entitled to a happy youth so they can take on their future with energy and strength. but my case is different. im worn out, thinking of the things i shouldn't be thinking. i want to give up, but that's out of context now.

i thank a close friend, for listening, for giving me advice, for lending time thinking about my next whereabout.

as for now, i have to keep myself focused on my academics. i dont see more perfect score exams in the next few days. i reevaluate my relationships with people, think of the possible things that might happen because of this financial crisis, and this sem may just be the last time i'll ever hang-out with the high-ended friends i have. no more telephone, no more cable tv, no more starbucks, no more luxury. no more comfort.. i think of an LOA form, but the next thing after this sem lies in a dark path ahead...

-lost-