Loveless

Happy Valentine's Day Torian...

Wow, everyone seems so ecstatic today. Everyone seems to be throbbing with love hormones, and all I see are big bouncy hearts. 214 here in QC is such a big deal, well... Back in Lipa City where I grew up, we could actually leave Valentine's day to the lovers only (those people who're always at the phone talking to Little Miss I'm-in-love; those people who'd rather be with their partners instead of eating; in short, those people who're out of this world [well, back then]). It is somehow a very special day.

And I think I'm being left out. Loveless... Yes.

I just came back from UPSE where the Ecosoc held what seems to be a very informal symposium about dating and other love matters. T'was quite interesting, enlightening at the most. But by the end of it, I felt heavy, realizing that being loveless is also being not the person that God made me to be. God made people to love and be loved. He created the people with eyes to get attracted, hands to touch, lips to kiss, tongues to french kiss, sex to gain pleasure, and hearts to offer. I have those, but I'm not using them efficiently. Would God get angry at me??

Which leads me to my next dilemma: Manliligaw na ba ako?

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Scary...

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Bakit nga ba hindi pa ko nanliligaw? I definitely have the heart to love, and maybe the guts to engage in it. I don't think I'm repulsive or whatever to that effect, I mean, why do I always get stared at in the first place? In the jeep, in the classroom, while walking through the corridors of CAL, while eating alone at Katag, whenever I'm reading my eyes out at the library, I always get stared at, so I presume that I'm not really that repulsive (is the staring such a matter or is it just me?). Huff... I dunno. I've got to examine myself first. I would really regret it if I'd court someone without even being sure if I'm ready to love.

Maybe I'm just really torpe. Oh well. Get off that topic.

Anyways, can't we just leave the courting to the girls? I'm really the kind of guy who'd prefer a system where everything just goes by, me = passive, and I don't have to sweat things just to get it. It's kinda feminine, but I'm not really excited by the courtship ritual. I don't have to compromise my masculinity in this matter, because love, as we defined it in PanPil19 (Sekswalidad, Kasarian, at Panitikan), is something that's free-flowing, something that doesn't determine your gender or sexuality before it devours you. So basically, I just wanted to be in a relationship now, with that girl who'd care for me, who'd accept me for what and who I am, and that someone who's my equal. I remember the speaker in the symposium saying, "We'd love someone who's our equal, who's not more or less physically attractive than us, who's not above or below us in matters such as intellect or emotion - yung tao na kapareha natin [partner in English]". That's some stomper... I'm putting that in my motto directory.

Haay, Torian, life is so cruel for some of us. Love, such a big thing, that it tortures us. I wish tomorrow will be a lovely day. But then, Valentine's will be no more.

And all this ecstasy is gone.

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But...

Everyday is Valentine's for lovers.

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huff...

-hoping-