Decomposed

Ugh... Still depressed.

Not a good start for the semester. I dunno why pigging out still doesn't quench my undying depression. I'm not having the best nights of my life, and my mornings were none the better. What's wrong with my defense mechanisms?? Have I finally got immune to them?

My hormones were erratic again. I went back to Lipa yesterday and the mornings that I spent there were just icky. Too much dreams...

Then I went to Rosario to visit my ever-ailing granma. When I was boarding my butt to a jeepney, a manic goldfish-eyed subhuman got the better of me by regarding me as female and pinching me at my funny bone before he unboarded. Yeah. Talk about maniac. Ang tanga tanga pa... Hindi niya alam, hindi kami talo...

Then I was in granny's house. And I can't believe my eyes when I saw her... She is thinner than ever. Dangerously thinner; Fatally thinner. The sockets that hold her eyes were in their darkest, her arms were nothing but bone and skin, her fingers were frail and ghoulish... The whole of her is but lungs and brain and nothing else.

I find it awful how a person gets thinner by the tick of the clock. I find it awful how someone gets thinner than her thinnest. I find it awful to hear how my granny's grunts turns into silent whispers, and the only movements she can produce were slight swishes of her skeletal hands.

Then I met my childhood nurse again. She visited granny. We didn't see each other for the longest time and I missed her. We talked about life, her life, her baby, and how proud she is for the growth that she saw in me. Then she broke the news that she's flying to Korea to work her ass off as a nurse yet again. Then she left granny's house.

I didn't realize until a day later that I'm not going to see my childhood nurse ever again...

...

God help me.

...

I need someone to hold on to.

My inspiration didn't appear last Friday.

...

Hours from now and it will be night again. And I'm afraid to lose my composition again. I hope my pillow is ready for my tears.

My heart started to pump the other way around. I'm hating life like it's my worse enemy. I'm tired. I'm so tired of artificial happiness.

And tomorrow is another day.

-decomposed-