Ma Vie

some loser. when i think about it, i surprise myself for being the toughest loser to walk earth.

i have completely changed.

i cant believe that spending a span of two years in the "most prestigious university on the land," would ironically make me succumb to dumbness, would degrade the intellectual pedestal where my psyche resided, and all the while retain the pain receptors to feel the eventual decline of my faculties, my learning prowess - that lysosomic power i hide in my brain that set me high against my brothers, against my kin. i never wanted to be like them. that's why i developed at an early age the art of ingesting information faster than food, faster than air (i was asthmatic). faster than i can read an encyclopedia (and im a speed reader... 6 years ago.)

now, almost half of my time out of home is spent in extracurricular activities, simply because it is the only venue that i can find happiness, in at least one part of my life. everything has crumbled, and this may be the last thing in store to keep me going.

i dunno.

i have come to that point where my brain stopped learning. that point of "knowingness." it's like i dont have enough room for new ideas, that's why even professing my forte doesn't even give me satisfaction.

now, im just like everybody else. or worse, i might even be worse.

i hate life. everything that's in my life seems to be destined in an ultimate failure. my acads, my love life, my family life, my social life, my intrapersonal life. gone was the keneth who is all confident, who speaks his mind in the best flourish of english or Tagalog, who dances, who sings, who acts, who tops the honors' list. gone is him. all i have now is a big blunt loser mechanicalized by the weather of time.

and i cry, again, for the umpteenth time, i cry, but no one cares. as they say, we are all alone at the end of the day. but it's just so unfair.

i have become so kind of others, that i spend time, every night, thinking about their whereabouts, what they could have been doing that exact instant. all teh while i thought about them, but then i realized, why do i have to waste my time doing such, when nobody thinks about me in return.

i dunno.

it is just so unfortunate that i had to lead my life. society forces me to smile, despite the fact that i hurt inside. because society didn't want a lonely me. sadness is something i should tackle alone.

and it's so hard. i just want to die.

feel the bliss of eternal sleep. as the death-eaters make me one with the elements.

it is a very harsh world. and im a very tough loser to exist in it - it amazes me.

-je suis fatigue-