Abyss

Yo!

It’s very noisy outside. It’s already 11:38 pm in my computer, and the road drillers are still busy destroying the ground for the installation of a new line of pipes. I’ve just watched American Idol, and now, I’ve nothing to do, and I can’t sleep, although I’m feeling tired and sleepy (??). Maybe tonight is one of my frequent emotional-instability-seizures-day. Well… Fine by me.

*I Surrender* I dunno what’s on this song, but “I Surrender” captured me, and I fell in love with it, to a point that I play the song at least once a day. The lyrics were captivating, the vocals were hard but can be sung along, and the overall feel of the song is so enthralling.

Nuff.

I wish mom buys me a good phone. When my very beloved phone got stolen, I was forced to use hers instead, and I’m having a hard time using a phone that is used by someone else because there were data inside that messes around mine, so it’s a hodgepodge. I’ve been surfing at Nokia’s website, and I want the new Nokia N90 photographer’s phone. It has two integrated megapixel cameras, and it has Bluetooth technology. It looks pretty advanced and it can store a lot of pictures… That’s why I want it. But it may only lie in my dreams because mum always told me that she couldn’t afford such luxury…

Hey, I found a Gnostic Bible in Aeon books, and I wanna buy it, but it is too expensive. The hard bound book costs an astonishing 2 thousand Philippine Pesos!! Basta, I want the book because I wanna know more about the gospel of Mary…

So much for my wants… I never really got them anyways, so why entertain the fascination??
Haay… I'm so not synchronizing with the world, with my age, with my mind and body… I can’t explain something stirring inside me, really weird. I’m feeling stagnant and wasted but I also feel something inside that is always there, waiting for the right time to get out of its shell… I AM waiting to get out of my shell… I wanna live a normal life, a life that you spend friends with, and not a life where your time is wasted reading books, thinking, nursing past wounds, replenishing depleted souls, spending time alone, crying, and desperately forcing one’s body to fit in. I wish I can just get outta here, and be in a world where I can spend my being, my talents, my capabilities… For now, I can only dream, and eat, and drink milk, and still disengage from society. Poor me…

The OFF! Spritzer that I just used while typing is irritating my nostrils… I wonder why I always get mosquito bites during nighttime while my roommate never gets an itch… Maybe my skin is delicious and his is not. Haha!

My eyes are drooping…

*Bring Me to Life – Evanescence* One of my favorite artists, Evanescence has a voice that coincides with my inner screams. I like the way they put they’re lyrics over melodies - very gothic but very well-read.

My eyes are closed…

I need a cuddle. I need to be touched. I feel like I’m lacking some touch therapy that I feel so alone and so unwanted. Yeah, unwanted. I feel very out of place. Do people miss me? Heaven knows if my favorite people (high school classmates) are missing me right now… This wish is far-fetched. Who would miss a loner, an anti-social, a “docile” imbecile, a loveless spectre, a shadow? I don’t feel special enough to capture the attention of people. My friends are very random, and my only permanent circle of friends are my high school classmates who I cannot see right now. I’m gaining friends, in my Volleyball sessions, my Stat101 classes, but I want to have people around me. Some ones who would laugh with me, cry with me, be with me all the time, and catch me when I fall. In short… I WANNA HAVE A BEST FRIEND.

I’ve none. The last Best Friend that I considered was Lian, Ana, and Det, all of which are out of sight right now.

*Broken – Seether featuring Amy Lee* My favorite song. Reflects me, a broken piece of delicate porcelain. Huff… I’m living such a forsaken life, depleted of care and affection and appreciation and love. I need someone who’d hold me high and steal my pain. I NEED someone who will not feel right when I’ve gone away. I NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN TASTE MY TEARS…

-hurting-