Slipping

Hey.

Today was my wettest session in volleyball. We had a game with another team (There are three teams in our section), and fortunately we won. It was enjoyable, because I was shouting the loudest my lungs could give me, and me was jumpy and smiling and clapping all the time. I was so noisy, maybe the other team got distracted, and gave us the win...

The first win!

Yeah.

Well, not really happy for it. I've got other things in mind.

I just ate in KFC (what's new?), and me got to be seated in the midst of lovers wasting time in lovely romance - you know, caressing, giggling, story-telling, confessing love, and everything else that homes to that. Eavesdropping was the last nature in me so I'm not proficient in the stuff, although this time, I heard how lovers talked...

Soft.

Gentle.

Sweet.

And they could talk everything. From hardships to luck, from tearful nights to happy moments, from terrifying ex-es to new lives... Huff. I was kinda envious.

I need someone who could listen. Well, Nia somehow makes me feel special, but it sounds funny how I can talk like I'm her savior when I can't even save myself from something. Nevertheless, I will be consistent - I will love her like I loved all my other high school classmates. I will not put out the light that puts hope on her destroyed world. I will, I just will.

But this will is superficial; I can only imagine the hollowness inside it. I wish I can just be with Nia, and spend time happy. She is my closest match, in my opinion, because like me, she never dwells on "big life". She appreciates small things, and she has problems of her own. Hay, if only she can hear me right now.

I could be surrounded by an ocean of people yet feel like I'm still alone in my small and simple world, waiting for affection and care and appreciation. I could belong to others' circle of friends yet still feel like I'm not needed. I could blend in the surrounding like I'm but a puff of wind; always there, and always ignored. I could just be around, and yet doesn't make a presence.

I'm a commoner to my own world.

I remember this letter from Lian back in high school. Confessions of friendly love shared between me, her, Det, and Ana. For me, it was not just friendly love - it was Supreme Love... It was affection, a most longed for gift, a feeling that would always be welcome. But now, they've been in their own lives, I'm on my own, and I feel alone as ever.

Lian says: "You're a special person, and you'll always be a special part of me."

I say: "I need you now more than ever."

May God guide me through this. I'm aching now, I've never addressed this directly before. Now is the time Torian, to finally accept it, and make a solution for it. I'm depressed, badly, deeply, that it kills, slowly, and surely.

I'm slipping.

"I need you now more than ever."

-depressed-