Yoo Hoo

ok here we go again.

you know whenever it's vacation time and i have to go back to my hometown, there's always a tarry moment, which involves my mum telling me to stay where i am until she arranges things for my arrival. it's no biggie, just that so when i go back, all the pesky grotesque creatures called my brother and his family are not home so id live two weeks peacefully. we argue a lot you know... well the tarry moment. a moment i spend on pigging-out, watching movies, catching sleep... the tarry moment is a suspense building up for an anticlamactic finale.

oh well.

i wanna go house. i havent seen our house for three months now.

...

this summer im really planning to do something worthwhile. i'll probably learn how to drive. probably. mum still calls for persuading. i want to work out also, get buffed, get a healthy tan... only if id get someone to do it with me. doing yourself alone can get really boring you know. and oh and im watching cable tv...

whadelse.

(eufh the tarry moment.. nakakabato...)

i had a blast last night hoo-hah! my ever precious high school classmates... they're the bombs. i love.

erm so... whadelse...?

erf, im boooooored. wanna go home.

je voudrais aller chez moi. il y a trois mois que j'etais a lipa. la derniere temps que j'ai ete la, c'est Noel. ma mere doit me prendre. je reflechis, quand est-ce qu'elle me prendra.

ecoute, j'ai cette quote, tres branchee, donna par mon professeur...:

"si tu n'existais pas, il faudrait t'inventer."

awww.. tres branchee non?

euh, eyenneux.. je ne deverrai pas etre ici. lipa me manque haha. je sortirai plus tard...

-abigail breslin-

AY Ender

euh, finally. the sad days have come to an end. im on vacation yey! im going home to batangas later, after three months. hihi.

im still undecided if id take summer classes. hmmm..

aww aalis na seniors. i will miss them. at this time around wala na talaga ako reason para bumalik pa sa ecosoc. hoh well.

*on fire - switchfoot*

good luck ayen sa exams!

san kaya class outing?

-let's go beaching-

Bloat Mitigation

water therapy is so working. yesterday i was worrying about my blood pressure since i took down two greasy shawarmas for lunch yesterday and followed it up with my favorite mcdonald's combo. i feel like my fat levels soared. i was feeling bloated until late this afternoon so i gave my unit a scrubbing to shed off the fat.

i sweated all the glasses of water i drank today. plus the fat and sugar and all other acids and salts... i smell sweaty... musky even... if there was just some gir.... !%^&R*I(O

anyways. cleaning the unit is such a sweat-and-sound thing. it makes me feel human. i mean, it makes me feel in control. orr... domesticated. ?

i am domesticating myself with cleaning chores...? that's kind of bizaare...

well there's no one else to do the menial tasks here. my family is more than a bus ride away. and besides, even if they were here, i dont think i'll be able to extract help from them. my brother, the last time i checked, was a speed fanatic toting on some mangled piece of vehicle they call "motor.." my other brother is... better not talked about.

how pathetic, im fantasizing the possiblity that i could get some family to come over and help me through my finals week. pathetic. this is stress at its purest.

oh, grey's anatomy is so cool it makes me feel like i wanna do medschool again.

ok...

i have to do something with my french because it's drowning in a sea of confusion.

i love metaphorizing seas.. have you noticed?

-im draaaaiiiiining...-

Gut Rasps

im sorry but i still cant get over my 13 point deduction in geol. fuck! that could spell out a .25 decrease in my grade! it's just now that when i think of it, i realize how much i've been erred on the side of round-down. how fucky could that be@??!

it is so clear in my head, that he is simply full of bullshit, my professor-kuno (pota, he can't even construct a decent sentence in english and he starts his name with a professor?!? a phd from france? whatda? i believe france do not educate cover-up people.. and vieille is pronounced as vee-yey, not vi-yel... climber!)

"at least sure ka na na may 87 points ka..."

fuck?!!?!?

what if i could perfect the exam?!

i swear, if i get a grade lower than 1.75 i am so barging into his office and wreaking carnage from there..

FUUUUUUUUUCKK!!!

and everything he ever said was bullshit. BULL SHIT. last time he was telling us about this ORIGINAL data that he has about the dramatic rise of carbon dioxide concentration causing global warming.. dear lord i was thankful he never ever had the chance to show the slides, because first of all, al gore already proclaimed that whole warming thing to the world last year, and second, plagiarism is the gravest sin one could ever incur in a highly-esteemed university such as UP...

like he has the technology and the staff to do global warming tests..?!!

i am so in a rage right now that i can possibly rip off muscle from bone if i ever see him now.

fuck the states of shock!! it ruins the flow of things. i could have processed things in more clearly.

-think think think think think think think-

Bakit Ganun

i was late for my geol class this afternoon. i reburned our project because the first one was not working. so i came in late, for a very few minutes, for the exam. when i arrived, the "teacher" was pointing at people, dictating numbers while looking at his wristwatch. when i finally sat down, i realized that he was calling out the deductions from your grade for being late.

he did that only today.

he didnt notice me at first. the biggest deduction was 16, from a possible 100 (we were supposed to have our final exam today, but because he was sick "daw," he will not give out the exam anymore, instead he will give out perfect scores for everyone, except for the late comers...)

i had to call his attention pa kasi he was giving out a deduction to the wrong person, hindi nya kasi ako nakita, napagkamalan nya ung isang person na late dumating na ako.

so ayun. minus 13.

mejo masakit lang, kasi i studied for the finals, i have to put aside my majors para lang makapagaral ako sa geol. nagpaka-honest pa ko, tapos mama-minus-an lang pala ko. hindi naman ako late for some lame reason eh... i reburned our project, because my two other groupmates didn't have the initiative to do so. at hindi man lang nila ko pinagtanggol.

tapos parang tuwang tuwa pa ung mga classmates ko na ganun ung nangyari.

it's so unfair.

-...-

Substitute People

huff... i can hardly breathe. it's like im barely there. nakalutang lang sa ere...

i remember my tito telling me about the tremors of having asthma... "para kang nalulunod sa hangin..." if i can only go back to him and tell him that it feels the same when you're stressed... one more friggin week, i can see the end of the tunnel. but i can also see the obstacles lying before it. 5 days supressed of sleep, wow, i can't believe it. this is the most stressful week ever, and im still here.

a split second before water hit me this morning, a thought crossed my mind. it was about momentum, the speed of movement in the fourth dimension, forces of attraction and repulsion, how the universe manages to exist in chaos.

my momentum accords itself with forces of repulsion. i move with torques, endlessly orbiting a focal point until a larger force throws me off orbit. it's like giving up.. it is basically giving up, to a bigger force, a different vector, something like fate, or god, or God...

a split second before water hit me this morning, two drops of blood trickled down my fingertips...

...

have you ever heard of "substitute people?" i picked the idea up from some semi-jaded movie produced last year. substitute people are those who live to entertain. they are not exactly comedians, they exist to complete the growth of some people. substitutes are the people you laugh with when you're happy. they are the people you can cry on when you're sad. they are the people who listens to your stories, giving you space so you can create a one-man show. they do not tell their stories back, because the only stories they have in mind are their previous encounters with other people doing the same thing as you are doing. you can rant at them without having someone rant at you back. substitutes are pensieves, internet blogs that have come to life.


i have been a substitute for some people these past few days. it's kind of hard, really, not being able to find a release for the accumulating stress. it's like being an inflated balloon, continually sucking up air until it's as big as possible. one pinch and it bursts. it's weird. it's hard but it makes me realize how strong i am, but then, i ask myself it there really is any strength in silence.

the only thing im sure right now is that i want people around me to be happy. i want to relieve other people's pain. i feed other people's egos because i believe in upward growth more than crab mentality. it is an altruistic side, something most people lack.

i wonder now, where are the other substitutes in the world? clashes will never happen if one side of the collision becomes an acceptor, a cushion. if it happens, everything will be a single-way movement. and the world will not live in chaos anymore.

im being a lunatic for believing in complements.

-E8-

Inconvenient Truth

ive finally watched the award winning and very popular documentary "an inconvenient truth..." al gore narrates how the earth, led by the biggest economies in the world, is choking itself with carbon dioxide in the pursuit of getting rich. "an inconvenient truth" tells about the dangers of CO2 emission in a very subtle way.. but it is life-changing nonetheless...

i was thinking, maybe i should distribute some copies of the documentary at school, because, well, that's the only thing i can think of (as of now) that i can contribute to the mitigation of global warming.

i know it is wrong to distribute downloaded movies in an unauthorized manner... but i think the message of the movie transcends piracy issues; it transcends morality, transcends economy, it basically transcends everything. it wants to communicate a forecast of an impending danger. the next massive wipeout. the next ice age. the movie wants to educate people about the truth that of costs, the truth of premium benefits in exchange of a massive climatic change. therefore i must spread the knowledge.

i was thinking, maybe me and my groupmates in environmental econ must watch the movie together first before we do our report about biodiversity. maybe it would help create more moving, and more convincing reports on the salvation of species.

whoa. why am i suddenly concerned about the green?

-bless al gore-

AF 2

ooog more abercrombie and fitch...

-campfire-

Let Us

peace peace peace. because i believe in coexistence, i will let peace prevail.

i send to the cosmos this ultimatum: "live and let live..." let us.

let me introduce you to the concept of sustained apathy. no, not the apathy that the red-clad voiceboxes reprimand econ students with. this is the more beneficial side of the passive word. my friends have concocted the idea that if we do not like a person, we follow the forces of repulsion between bodies, just like magnets with the same poles. they never clashed with each other, unless a stronger vector overcomes the force of repulsion. in english, "we do not like you that we do not want anything to do about you."

we are born with differences, and unless we prevent it from getting to our hearts, the corridors we share at school will witness the saddest most disappointing clashes of the people contrastingly intelligent enough to level their own differences. we must not let the faults of each other destroy the status quo. instead let us work for our own betterment.

well better yet, let us simply not work for the damage of everyone. let us.

the apathy starts in me. i am currently entertaining the idea to file inactivity to the organization where we are all members of. that is my part of the apathy; i guess it is best that we do not do anything with one another until the wounds of the past elections are healed.

i detest the idea of having enemies.

...

ecosoc's event tomorrow at escape, libis. will have to work for the food management committee. i'll try to dress as party-fit as possible, given the current condition of my closet... aryt see y'all there!

-leontine is talking to me about premarital sex... ooooohh-

Sad Entry

"d2 ako sa hosptal, comatose si tya luming. may problems pa sa bahay, lumayas na sila diana. nagka-commotion kagbi... bkt ano ba problema?"

that was the text message i received when, out of mental exhaustion, i finally sought help from my mum. i had to pay three tickets for the ecosoc event, worth 150 each, by friday. i have to buy new garbs for the event. i have to give mum the new contracts for the condo for the renewal. i have to pay my bills, and the laundry. i have to clean the unit. i have to study. i have to stay alive. when i was too tired to do them all, i sought help, but then i get this text message.

shit.

if i ever am inadequate as a collegian, if i ever am wasting the youth that for fun and life was sought after by the richest of people, if i ever am going to regret it if i never went out on a real party since i cant remember, i pardon myself. forgive me, but it is hard to stay alive in a world that breathes sadness and isolation; hard to stay alive during days when life gives me a different meaning to schizophrenia, the occassional episodes of emotional torments tear me apart, and when past ghosts come and haunt me, i cry myself to sleep.

i lock myself in quietness to protect my vulnerable soul from an incubus called life.

this week i got back my individual project, and to be honest, my heart broke when i looked at the red scribbles on the margin. my precious project; i have wasted so much time and effort for. i stressed myself, voided myself of sleep, put so much effort to create a poster that calls for mitigating the pollution of noise. that's why i simply had to hold my tears from falling when a 34 overrode the perfect 35. i didn't deserve a mistake.

but what else is new? my first exam, that fucking exam, i studied so much for it. basically imprisoned myself just to get the words right, the equations right, just so i can tell a story from a fucking graph. i almost cried when i got back the paper - i almost failed the exam, much to my regret.

my ego is drowning on a murky ocean of failures.

im back to point zero. where is help? where is happiness? where is the strength when i needed it? all i have now is the bright smile i flash when people around look at me. the last thing people want to see is a fucked up soul struggling to collect itself.

please dont let me be blasphemous for the second time.

-je veux vivre-

Abercrombie Fitch

oooh... i like abercrombie & fitch's new clothing line... Spring Break 2007. i personally picked some items, hoping that sum run-offs would find themselves on the philippine market. *crosses fingers*

i personally believe earth and midnight colors are my colors. ironically, my closet is full of white and powder colored shirts. tsk. must renovate closet. oooh i like a&f.

-summer na!-

Come Clean

**s** ***a***: we can't deny, we have spoiled our hands to come clean...

this is so true. in our attempt to get away from the crossfire, we have stained ourselves with their bloody regimen. getting away from the war between candidates is very difficult. and very dirty. we are in need of a cleansing.


objectivity must be contained. clarity must prevail.

-scolopax minor-

Elections II

bwahahahaha..

now i get it. people not wise enough to conquer their passionate feelings about the elections introduce their own problems to themselves... how stupid could you get? actively looking for your own trouble?

i realize that when people see you sitting beside an opponent for the office, they take it as if you are lobbying AGAINST them. they tell this to their friends, murmurs spread, and in an instant, you suddenly have a bunch of enemies without actually doing anything. the glances, the blank stares, the "passing the message..." that is so old-school. in my former life, i invented that. i personally think you can do better than that.

anyhows, i'll leave the over-thinking to you guys, since you're really good at scrutinizing every detail, and giving meaning to an otherwise empty thing. i award you a degree in Gossip Promulgation.

hmmm..

lots and lots of stories from nothing, you can even garner a degree in Creative Writing. and since you are so fond of creating stories, i'll tell you mine. my story is all about getting away from the crossfire and watching from afar how the low-lives succumb to their own political deaths (alienating the people you should serve...), getting low and everything, being dubious and paranoid about this and that, deeming everyone not voting for you as enemies... go on... humiliate yourselves. it just gives us an idea of how obsessed you are to get the title.

anyhows. so much for these assuming people. pbb na on studio 23, mas masaya manood ng mga totoong tao kesa magevaluate ng mga taong suppressed and are hungry for power... grabe lang, kahit magpaka-low profile ka, wala ka ring ligtas sa politics eh... hay life. basta ako i will be objective when i vote. and you should be too.

-ring ring...-

Pre-Election Rants

eto ha. people shouldn't be meddling with other peoples' businesses because we have our own affairs to attend to. this election thing, it's really getting into my nerves because suddenly, the environment is cranky, and you are not sure if the person sitting next to you, talking to you, actually hates you because you are rooting for some other candidate.. how sucky could that be? being surrounded by HYPOCRITES.

thing is wala ka naman ginawang masama, you are just a voter who chose who to vote and nothing else. i noticed that when i told somebody that im actually rooting for a less visible candidate, they'll suddenly avert their faces, and the next time we see each other, the usual "o hi kumusta" will just be "oh..." with slanted eyes and a demeanor that tells me "i dont wanna be with you..."

how melodramatic.

eto pa. this morning, a friend approached me and asked me who i want to vote.. i told her im voting for the less popular candidate, but i didnt tell her all the reasons why im voting him. sinabi ko lang na im voting him kasi gusto ko ung mukha talagang council chair, like for example may assembly ng student councils tapos tinawag ung econ council chair, sasabihin ng tao "ah sya nga ung econ chair, mukha eh..." nung sinabi ko un, some EF person sitted at the far end of the other bench butted in the conversation and launched into a lecture about scrutinizing a candidate and voting wisely. he lectures that hindi lang basta representation ang nagmamatter, kelangan din ung visibility etc etc... like duh, you think i dont know that?

ayoko lang kasi nung nangengealam ka about the opinions of people. eh sa opinion ko mas bagay na council chair si ganito, why do you want to contest my opinions? diyos ka ba? do you know everything??? are you a social nucleus at kelangan lahat ng processing ay dumadaan sayo?

at hindi lang naman dahil gusto ko lang maging council chair si ganito kaya ko sya iboboto? you think i haven't thought about his competency before i arrived at my decision? c'mon. im far better than that. baka nga mas objective pa ko kesa sayo eh...

i am voting wisely. kahat ano pang lecture ang gawin mo I DONT CARE. we are different people with different preferences. i think the candidate im voting suits the job because of pre-reflected observations and notions. and they are proven. so i dont really care if llecturan mo ko just because im voting for the other candidate. bigyan mo muna ko ng one million, i'll give you your most wanted vote. but then again, if you do that, you'll just see me at the end of the line, laughing at the very lowly deed you just did.

actually ngayon mababa na tingin ko sayo. and who am i to say this? well, let's just say im a social detective with no strings attached. and i am very objective when it comes to comparing people and giving them property rights.

at excuse me, may ibang mga tao na wala talagang kwenta ung standards for voting. i have this classmate who told me the other day that she's voting for ****** kasi crush nya yun. oh? you want to lecture about voting wisely? target those who are voting out of infatuation, you blabberloo.

basta ako, i will vote who i want to be there. when its election time, hindi nagmamatter sakin kung very influential person ka, what matters to me is the goodness of your vision and the passion to lead the pack. my objectivity is a gaping clarity that will not be tainted by your nonsensical campaigning/lecturing-the-wrong-audience... and i hate you because you are a hypocrite.

insert: all the while toooot was lecturing i was smiling and being apprehensive.. haha! im good at projecting that angle of my face, because people really believe they are convincing me, when in fact, in my mind, im thinking, "what a talker..."

haay. i really look down on hypocrites. pero i remember my lola telling me that when you dont really like a person, you shouldn't be hypocritical like he is by continually being with him/her. although, you shouldn't also tell them in a bad way that you dont like them. what you should do is just smile yourself away. no confrontations, no violent reactions, no more unlikeable person... no wasted time, no wasted effort, and the loss is not yours... i love my lola.

anyways, i do have an economic report about india tomorrow. these people who are dwelling too much on their politics have blurred visions of the things around them and should just be dropped. im not wasting time thinking about pakialameros...

ps. i just saw this tibak person back in econ again, and loh, she was saying hello and waving hi at me, and whatever... hala!?! miss kelan pa tayo naging friends?? magpakatibak kang mag-isa mo...

-go ahead write your own blog entry...-