Frou Frou

finally got over asunto.

the problem in the difficulty of accounting as a subject doesn't lie in itself. i have the problem. i am the problem. mental blocks crowd my brainevery time i take exams. i was lucky i stayed longer in the test, i saved 3 items which i answered incorrectly before i noticed. god. no assurance of a better score than the last exam though..

maybe i should run around the acad oval first before i take exams. oxygenation: a frustrated resort for clutter-brains like me. so much for cross-overs and information traffic. my gray matter just cannot compete with darryl's.

then the pressure. erg. when i passed my paper, my professor asked me:

"oh ano, mataas ka na ngayon??"

sheesh. pressure. his facial muscles are hunting me until now. obviously my first exam was a flunker. i just hope i did better on the second one.

sarsi, you sure of the band name you have given me? frou frou? that sounds more of a dog than a band you know... ive been rummaging through limewire. still no frou frou.

huff. one more quiz to go. then it's chillaxin. will hustle hard, till tomorrow. study till 11. i hope my hormones dont get all hyped up again, so i can do 109 quiz with flying colors. then i can french kiss the morning.

coz im hopeful
yes i am hopeful for today
take this music and use it
let it take you away
yeah im hopeful, hopeful
and you'll make a way
i know it ain't easy but
that's ok
coz we hopeful!

-twista-

Truly Asia

american idol is up again. too bad sky cable failed us. no more sky. i have to watch american idol on abc 5 every wednesdays and thursdays. erg...

i wish they vote heather cox off. she can hardly sing. well yeah she can... join a singing contest for 6 year olds and win! she cant get any further than that though.

paris is entertaining. it seems like she's perpetually energized by extra joss whenever she performs.

katharine is very pretty. i like her. she's bigger than ryan seacrest though.

mandisa reminds me of aretha franklin.

sway will not win american idol. because his surname is penala and not yamin or young. or hicks. or mcphee perhaps. basta. asians rarely win big in america.

michelle yeoh is malaysian, right?

i overheard someone over the katip jeep that he hated memoirs of a geisha because all of the actresses that appeared in the movie are chinese. michelle yeoh for instance... didnt appear like japanese daw.

syempre. hindi naman talaga sya japanese. i believe she's malaysian. she did the malaysia truly asia commercial, didn't she?

i bought a new set of headphones! yey! this one is even bigger than the last one. i want it big eh. para enjoy ang jam.

play that funkin music white boy... play that funkin music right!! hyea!

currently enjoying accounting.

*toink*

since when was the last time i ever enjoyed a business course... uh... never?

-fair market value of identifiable assets-

Crab Mentality

i dunno what to write
i dunno what to say
im all awake at night
all lethargic by day
my routine has changed
from its normal way
i live like a bat now
as all people may say.

haha. kung may sudden fiction, siguro may sudden poem din. hehe.

i made that in less than 30 seconds. beat that! la la la la lar.

depressing news were all over the networks today. i feel sorry for the political situation of the philippines right now. well, what else can we do about it... nuffink. i think they find pleasure going out in the streets and rioting like savages, while contributing to the downfall of an otherwise smooth-sailing to better places for the philippine peso.

well... there goes Php51.22 per dollar.

isnt it funny how grown-ups act like quarreling children, only they can speak jargons of political science? at one point this afternoon, i wanted to get there in edsa and shout out to everybody over a humongous microphone that they should stop this impulsive uprising, else the market will be brought back to its repugnant slump.

if they dont stop tomorrow, then, maybe they enjoyed doing what they did today. Sadists!

the philippines is a nation of crabs.

will study accounting instead.

-pincer pincer-

Life Overhaul

hmm... another midnight entry, another session with my best friends gravy, french fries, and values-sized mcflurry. i drank my enervon c pampa-hyper vitamins late today, that's why its already 1 in the morning and im still wide awake. im getting hooked to midnight snacking. if this attempt of fattening myself up turns out to be just as futile as the rest of my life, then the hell with it. i'll be the the ectomorph me until they put me into my sarcophagus.

no more uncontrolled tirades of "im tired of this f*ckin life" for now. its another futile effort to release unreleasable stress... so the hell with it also. and instead of blabbering around, i'll get myself reacquainted with the art of WATCHING TV, soak myself in the life of PBB housemates and the competitors of American Idol, my co-strivees in this hollacosta ride.

i dont think depression will quit me, so i embrace it with a smile on the face. its a bit scary, that im actually finding a new normal in this severe depression shitbun, but hey, do i have a choice?

actually, my current state is the most preferable i have yet to experience in a month. i need not dare myself to think of better days because when i get some healthy dose of better days, catastrophe happens the next day. but a perfect standstill standoff day doesnt bring goodness as much as it doesnt bring harm, so, i would prefer this.

and while im brooding over the still-life portrait im pouring in my own plain "life" canvass, i will reset my priorities, and put drive to my undertakings. that way i'll be able to redeem myself, one boring day at a time.

tut tut tut.

too bad though. im starting to make a lackluster dull boy out of me. i decided to lock myself up in my room and do my assignments in accounting instead of bonding in another bond session with my uncohesive high school classmates at mcdo. well. my sacrifice. i hope everyone appreciates it.

it works for me anyways. im the single person in econ who needs to reconstruct my matrix-weathered un-graphing intellect.

one good thing that happened today: i talked to tita connie (SE111) about the system of my course, and asked her whats the best way to go to medschool after i graduate econ. i thought she's going to get me acquainted with the shifting process and stuff, because that's what ive been thinking all this time (after i failed that stupid exam in mathematical econ, there's no other way up but the bumpy path to the institute of bio). instead, she reminded me that econ had the electives to make way for another field of interest, so she referred me to the IB where i got my first copy of a bs biology curriculum.

a simple dream. i know.

i forgot the name of the woman who taught me the next steps i have to take. but whoever she is, i thank you for giving me an inspiration i hope will sustain me until the sem ends. cosmos, cosmos, tell her i thank her.

i have to take 15 units of bio courses to enter medschool. if i will mold my course into a premed course, i would have to take chem16, bio11, bio12, and bio102. that is if i study in diliman. or i could crossreg to upmanila, take zoology 10 and botany 10, and take bio102 anywhere. if i pass them all, then it's... "med school here i come!"

i have to start taking up those subjects, else i'll commence another life in another alien world where the fashion trend will perpetually be business attire instead of green scrubs.

i have to turn the hinges on my railway. now. it's time for a personal overhaul...

another midnight entry, another bloated stomach. i hope i dont die of pancreatitis tonight. i still have my dreams intact. please do not hurt a dreaming person with a big heart and clean intentions. let me dream for now. when i achieve them, then the remote control is yours. i have to reach my goals first, before i give in, before i surrender my soul to whoever. to whatever.

-let me live today, and tomorrow-

Totally Numbed

aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh...

shit. when will the bad luck stop? just a while ago, my headphones broke itself. now i cannot listen to my music until i buy myself another set of headphones. fudge naman oh.

then i saw the telephone bill for february, still unpaid. fuck. ako na naman ata magbabayad nito sa xavierville.

my life is shit pie right now... i tried watching must love dogs and corpse bride to lift my soul from its sophomore slump, but hey, i just ended up hating everything diane lane... and i only got bored of corpse bride. pucha. no more happiness for me.

except for the beautiful criticism i received for my story in creative writing. it's really a good story, like what my prof said, my characters are the best characterized among all others. wow, something to be happy about...

IF I WAS CREATIVE WRITING MAJOR!

IM AN ECON MAJOR FOR CHRISSAKE!!! IM SUPPOSED TO EXCEL IN MY MAJORS, NOT IN SOME PETTY GENERAL EDUCATION PROGRAM MY COURSE HAS NOTHING TO DO ABOUT!

aahhfuc!!

this year is supposed to be my year! chinese superstitions are beginning to sound like bullshit.

what the fucking hell have i done to deserve this?

damn i give up. there's nothing good left in this world... at least in my world... everything is buried in 6 inches of mishaps and shit.

six is a very unlucky number.

-give me 13 ounces of morphine-

Wrong Name

eff. and i failed the exam which i should have aced if not for my carelessness and lack of drive. 47 out of 100! yess! the golden days of my life! pucha eto na...

if this is severe depression im experiencing now, then i dont want to escape it anymore. i dont want to waste effort shooing it off. im tired. eat my pride. drain my soul. kill me now. for a change, i think that's the best way to create a change.

andadali na nga ng subjects ko, bumabagsak pa ko! putangina!

what should i make of that? that im a big dummy wrongly picked by the UP board to include in UP's roster of intelligent students? ha? im not like this when i was in highschool! why? of all times now?

tangina naman oh.

but im tired. all i can do now is curse my way through the days that would sadly pass. wala na. sirang sira na transcript ko.

eh fuck who the hell cares? wala naman di ba? im a nobody wise-person-poser walking in the midst of authentic genuises. and i had the guts to do so. fuck me.

erg.

wala.

the only thing that can help me now is tiresome dedication and understanding all the readings that i should read. i have to study, study, study... nothing else can help me now but the drive to get myself back on track. no one else can help me now but myself.

-brooding over the number 47... shit...-

Midnight Realizations

what im doing now: midnight snacking for the first time in one month. aahh. this is life. slept all dusk and woke up 12:30 in the morning. good thing mcdo lasts until past midnight. too bad though, i missed the sundae... ubos na kase.

a lot of people crave for sundae during the deepest hours of the night. mcdo missed sales for a number of people who simply went home because there was no more sundae.

cashiers at mcdo can be agitated and ill-tempered. that's because they have done exactly the same thing all day: taking the orders of famished katipuneros, all having distinct personalities of their own, so the cashiers have to cope with each one. when the clock strikes twelve, i think it works the other way around.

i saw a cute couple outside mcdonald's... i recognized the guy was from BA (he's a BA hearthrob, as ayen had once put it), and the girl was straight out of a cocktail or debut party something... (maybe she's the BA female hearthrob, because she was really pretty also). when i was walking towards mcdo, they just stood out of the dark midnight: a couple of onion-skinned high-ended looking adolescents in green and blue ensemble - it would take a blind person not to spot them. they're really cute (i just deduced now), mainly because of their bright clothes. well my point is, i got reminded that love is indeed, everywhere...

they're like cats happily playing with each other. silent. feline. cute... sayang, i failed to catch them on cam.

which brings me to another realization for the night... i think i can be a good photographer. im not lifting my own chair, but i think i have the eye for beautiful things. if i had a camera, i would've had a portfolio by now. there are things i see in places that the world fails to appreciate. i see intricate patterns, beautiful phenomena, or just pretty little things. there are a lot of events around us that had to be still-lived in photographs.

change topic.

there are times that calls for a specific attitude due to sudden changes in the mood of certain people. take today for example... tin and ayen and the rest of the BE people took their second exam in BA99.2... so everyone seemed so morose and depressed, all afraid of failing grades and a dark future in accounting ahead. because friends are too depressed for the scene, i have to be the cheerful me, because you can't reciprocate their depression with the depression of your own... wla lang. na-deduce ko lang ulit. so cheer up people! life doesn't end here.

the image of young Filipino-american male adults: tall, skin-headed, pierced ears and semi-formal top over jeans... for me they all look the same. and i dont think they mind looking the same. they like to travel in groups which make them look like a team of egg-heads conquering the world - only they speak better english...

i have to find a reason why filipino-american males dont like growing their hair. it's not like filipino hair is worse than any kind of hair. only filipinos have the darkest wavy hair there is. coz chinese hair is dead wiry straight. and african hair is too kinky for their own good (besides, they're rusty, not really black). ok, maybe we share the same hair with thais and indonesians and malaysians. payag. mmm, maybe this is my next article for sidhi. haha.

do you like seeing insects perish? i do. maybe i have an insect-death mania or something. weird ko noh?

i think im sleepy again. may tomorrow be a day full of surprises...

today pala... it's already 2:55 am on my clock. bonjour!

-wiser-

Losing Self

dammit.

everything is just so fucked up right now. how could i forget that im close to being homeless this march?

i will have no refrigerator when april comes. by that time jejo would have moved out. i would have to take into hand the transfer of names of all utilities, and i have to buy me some of the appliances that would be gone by april... shit.

why do i have this feeling that when im asked by someone about things im supposed to know, like my course for example, i wouldn't be able to answer? it's disheartening that no matter how bright i was back in high school, college will still weave a different story, a different life for me. in high school, i was a star. in college, im a blackhole sucking all the happiness in the universe, disposing them into my abyssal nothingness, and not utilizing it for my own good, my own inspiration, my own drive to rearrange the paths that's crisscrossed ahead of me.

i became a member of the SE volleyball varsity team without doing a try-out. what am i supposed to make of that? that econ is a single venue in UP where pwede na reaches the farthest extents? i dont consider myself a varsity player because i dont think i deserve it. and start knowing the people in the team - paul especially. that faggish scumbag full of faux sincere small talks of united athletic spirit. one of the worse cases of self-righteous-egos exists within him. i dont think i'll last that long having him within 5 feet radius extended personal bubble..

but...

what am i ranting about when my life isnt so good to compare the world to?

dammit.

and i want sleep. good. soothing. renewing. undisturbed sleep. i cant remember the last time i slept without any care of tomorrow. there will always be thoughts running in my head before i sleep, so that the next morning, my brain is fucked up.

i have everything to lose. i am not a perfect person, but i have everything to lose. im close to saying goodbye to my intellect. i dunno why of all times, i had to deal with the difficulty to integrate things into my brain now. ive become dumber and dumber since i stepped into college. all my subjects are chicken feet, but im struggling to get a passing grade for every exam, because i find it hard to learn. what more study.

ive just reread my short story for creative writing. boy. what the hell have i done? there were a lot of loopholes in my fucking story. and it will be criticqued first tomorrow. damn. my writing is depressing.

being kind is another something i have to lose. ive practiced humility and anger management for the longest time now, but, ugh. nothing. nothing comes back good to me. the law of dharma is failing me. ive once been convinced that being kind will save you from all the hardships of the future, but change is the only constant in the world. the concept of purity of heart evolves from salvaging glory, to a normal, unfruitful so-so. i have cleansed myself, yes, and my inner demons are angels. but. angels never strive in this overly evil world.

see. everything to lose. even my sanity. can i hang myself now?

now is the time when i seek people with depth. im tired of having to play around silly petty whatabouts of silly petty people living their overly vain and nonsensical lives. i want the depth that parallels my own.

i need something that would give me the reason to live this life.

something.
sorry everyone. im a bit disturbed and depressed today.
...
i know it doesn't appear like it... but as they say...
sorry everyone. im a bit off today. i just had a time with my inner self.
the people with the sweetest smiles maybe the people with the heaviest burden.
good luck to ayen and tin for their 99.2. dont let it destroy your lives.

-fucked up-

Life 101

tap tap tap.

all i hear is the unceasing and annoying hum of city noise. the electric fan, the vehicles outside, the constant tapping on my keyboard... its ironic that city life can be boring for a cheerful person like me...

if life is a course, then i would have been getting a D in all the periodical tests that went by. despite the 18 years that ive been studying, im still unknowledgeable of many things. im failing Social Interactions 101, and i still have an Incomplete in Romance and Love 143... will have to boost my soul power in Morals and Ethics 666...

erg. im educationally malnourished. im excelling in Sexual Education 69 though. wehe.

friends are so adept in Imagination 99. sori guys. i celebrated a blue valentine's yesterday. so niña and ayen, the reason why the phone kept ringing and no one seemed to answer is because i was surfing the internet the whole evening. the cable of the fellytone was connected to the pc... you know the stuff. so your call have to wait. apparently, after watching PBB, and more surfing until midnight, i slept my brain out.

by the way, Sleeping 88 is not a very good subject. im becoming more and more of an insomniac by the day because of my inability to learn how to sleep. darn..

erg.

and just now, as i was making a slurping sound trying to drain the small amount of chocolate shake that's left of my pearl cooler, i realized how lost i am in this fucking world. parang sink... the water goes down its guts with a slurping sound, straight to the poso negro, lost to the comfort room forever. im so lost, just like that. everything seems alien. my nachoritos is like a nigger, reminding me of the racial discrimination of the rest of the world towards asians. the mouse became a ranting feminist who broke loose because im a boy. and the computer screen morphed into god... not God... god... saying: "nye nye nye nye nyeh! ur stuck in your hard stupid world! and your fuckin cellphone is buzzing because someone tells you she needs someone to talk to... le pouvre!"

erg. shock absorber na naman. grrr... im tired of having to listen to everybody's stories. sometimes im tempted to remember the things that everyone told me, their secrets, their dirty little secrets, and bring them all out. whoa. buzz will embrace the city.

a lot of people use me as shock absorber you know. that's why i know a lot of secrets. but, im not that good in Secret-keeping because i keep on forgetting everything they've said. but if i try, just a little effort to remember everything, maybe i will be able to recall. id need a daily log to record each secret recorded in my brain.

but im not doing that, because i know most of these secrets are none of my business. i just knew them because people wanted me to know. ironically, during times when i wanted to know their secrets, people retract, saying i shouldn't know. so in the end, i dont know what i want to know, and i get to know what i didn't want to know. parang love - hindi dumadating pag hinahanap.

another text message... of all people. me. the universal secret-keeper.

nuff.

going back to my lost self, im going to reply to this person that "im busy cleaning my bowels so if you dont mind..." for a change. oh, i made myself a johari window to find my lost self. johari window is the social perception thing we studied in basic speech fundamentals. of course people should create it with me... so, here:


http://kevan.org/johari?name=kimoy

hmmm...

there.

if life is a course, then im 18 years none the wiser. pakshet. life oh life. hey, i lost my "life" notes. so here is where i shall end, id have to look for my "life" notes pa. baka bumagsak ako sa "life" exam...

hehe. sori if i sounded too cerebral. here are the inner workings of my complicated brain.

-looking for "life" notes-

Taxing Flowers

tomorrow is valentine's day! wieee...

ang flowers ba may vat na din?

-gobbling my way to aneurism-

Valentine's Stag

day of the hearts is two days from now... i wonder how i'll celebrate valentine's.

i was dreaming of spending it with a significant someone. give her roses and chocolates, do classic in a candlelit dinner. huddle to her side in the cold of the night, cuddle, and kiss... but...

but...

my allowance is below sea level!! oh man...

i cant even buy me food. wahaaaaaaaaa. uha uha... too bad for me, i think women around me have taste - they won't like valentine's so-so's... ergg...

wow. it has been a long time. im all alone right now. my love life's a barren wasteland. of broken dreams and broken promises... ff, of course no one would understand what im saying. i have a life unknown to most of my friends, you know....

i wish i'll have my first kiss this valentine's...

yes. ive never been kissed. well yes i was, back in highschool. but i dont count pauline's kisses because she kisses everyone anyways... so that doesn't qualify. and all the rest doesn't qualify, because a kiss for me must be meant. not just by accident, no - you cant have your first kiss by accident. unless if that accident involved me and someone like, say, elisha cuthbert. would do, would do... haha! but otherwise, it's not a kiss. and i have to kiss my first this valentine's!!

sheesh. this entry is overridden with frustrated love-particulates. sorry. valentine's comes only once a year.

ikaw? may kasama ka sa valentine's?

pasama na lang. i dont want to be alone on the day of hearts. i've been alone that day for the past 18 years of my life. metaphorically. i mean... yeah. whatever.

i dont want to spend valentine's doing movie marathons all by myself. erg. have to be with someone.

kung wala talaga, i'll ask ayen out na lang. haha! coz i think tin has a date, as i have read on her blog, and vida is, uhh, i dont think she likes to celebrate valentine's because she finds fault in empirical emotions, so... and sarsi is... actually sarsi's parents might not want sarsi to spend valentine's with a boy like me. hmmm. so maybe i'll just hook up with ayen, and the rest of bb42. haha! tara date tayo... group date! yey!

basta, kelangan hindi depressed sa valentine's. dapat happy! we should give our hearts a break.

advanced happy valentine's everyone! Joyeux à jour de la Saint-Valentin!

was my french right?

-cheese jutting out of my skin-

Slept Over

slept at ayen's place yesterday. cooked a kilo of spaghetti whose sauce had carrots in it. mmm, do we really put carrots in spaghetti? it was lynnie's idea... haha.

lynnie chopped the onions, niña did the garlic, i chopped the hotdog. we were teary-eyed before there was any spaghetti... tsk tsk tsk, too much onion... exhaust fan should be working up late tonight.

anyhows. spaghetti turned out good. when you're hungry, everything tastes delicious. hehe.

lynnie's perv shot... that's me of course. me and my naughty tee... and extra short shorts.

fetched eleventh-hour party crasher len late that night. pa-vip! i was close to being frostbitten! and no thanks? how dare you len... haha. joke. freezing cold outside, especially if you were eating ice cream while inside a tricycle coasting the length of sikatuna in the suburban midnight. thanks ayen for the ice cream! you got me there. no ice cream, no fetch.

then had some coffee talks. of nonsense. haha, i dont remember anything sensible with what we talked about.

had to sleep with len on the comfy couch-cum-bed. wee goody goody, len was a good cuddle. then alarms. geez.

guess what's for breakfast.

SPAGHETTI. uff, too much spag in my system. will die of aneurism because of too much carbs.

ayen in pj's. haha! exposed!

i came back to katips at 9:30. bathed in frigid water for cdc. went to saturday cdc - very unusual of me. anyhows, it was fun. very few people came, and i felt more free than ever. some of the ecosoc people can be good for real... there are just some who's world revolves in posing, social climbing, and smoking, those who do not tire of flashing cars, kissing french, and laughing unwholeheartedly.

nuff. now im back to my own solitary nirvana. letting the medicine called silence sink in to my sick being... i crave for more cuddle though.

i caught this beautiful photograph of two cdc kids lounging at the weird centerpiece of the econ attrium. i changed the color channel to sepia, to give it a memorabilia feel... here have a look. and while you're looking, im signing off...

-praise to chicken fillet-

Bang-Bang Free

wow, this week is bangbang-free week. and im not hearing any whines at the moment...

sayang, i should have enrolled myself to a thursday cwts so i wont have to bother putting up a composed image for a dysfuntional group of people surrounding me every tuesday. they can be tiring, you know... and maelyn now had the guts to ignore me whenever we bump into each other... see, those types of girls never passed my likeability test - it's her loss, not mine.

well tin and i had our cwts today, from 4 - 7 in the evening... yeah, imagine that. a whole afternoon of cutting, pasting, writing, cleaning, boring, measuring... uff... after cwts, tin's mum came to fetch her, and she gave me a ride. they dropped me off at the foot bridge near ateneo, and guess who i bumped into there...

well...

no one actually. hehe.

tin's mum looks younger. i remember the last time i saw her, she looked sinister... whatever happened? maybe vitamin e... haha! no offense mam. you really scared me the first time i saw you. sorry tin... just being myself.

hey, it's the month of the hearts. i wonder who'll text me a happy valentine's...

jejo's laundry is suffocating me. it's too fragrant for my own good. i think the laundromat put too much aromatic starch in his clothes, that our condo unit smells like a laundry shop all over.

will just have to cover it with something.

my latest test result from tickle:

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?

Kimoy, you're single because you don't want to commit

Once the blush of first love wears off with your partners, do you get a little antsy? You probably crave excitement in all realms of your life, and you need a relationship to keep you filled with possibilities. Let us guess: Someone has probably told you that you haven't quite grown up yet, that you're still holding out for the perfect "whatevers" (job, car, home, date) in your life to come a knockin'. Or perhaps you're just having a difficult time accepting that your comfortable little place in this world is always growing, always evolving — and that means you have to be willing to accept big life changes, too. Not that there's anything wrong with that. After all, you're probably a lot of fun to be around and may be the life of the party.

But when it comes to settling down, you leave without looking back twice. Now's the time to ask yourself: Why? What's holding you back? Maybe you don't want someone to get to know you fully? Perhaps by saying you love someone, you're afraid you'll lose yourself, or the possibility of something better coming along. Just remember that the best relationships are those that never stop growing. That's something you can identify with, right? So keep that in mind next time you find someone you're really comfortable with. You never know, it may prove even more exciting once you really get to know each other, teensy flaws and all.

mmmmm. crap. i dont believe you tickle. this is b*llsh*t.

will watch ocean's eleven a bit later. i wonder how much they paid all the stars of this movie, coz brad pitt is there, and julia roberts, and george clooney... they're high paying actors right?

-dévoué-

Thesis Partner

mcdonald's next commercial stars einar the tongue-twisted half-nord giant and a cup of ice cream float. i saw them shooting at mcdo. it must be hard being a commercial model. you do the same thing over and over again, and you should never tire of doing so, else you get shouted at by a menacingly flabby director.

you'll know gino ferrer is within your extended personal bubble (3-4 feet radius) if you smell clinicque parfum in the air. he's reeking with it. i thought i suffocated.

why does buko pandan flavored pearl coolers taste like coconut oil?

talked with mum a while ago. it seems that im not moving after all. she says she will try to finance the unit, although i'll have to be put under an allowance cut. my utility expenses should be minimal, and i should watch my extra-curricular cashflows...

she's still not sure though, but that's probably what's gonna happen. now im beginning to count the conjugal properties inside the unit, so that when jejo packs and goes, he wont be bringing with him the things i own... let's see... the telephone, the mirror, the walis tambo, etc. etc...

maybe i'll just tell jejo to leave everything here. since ateneo grants him a lodging scholarship, he has all the money to buy his new set of things...

lovapalooza! i like i like! punta tau!!

wla lang. i just want to cheer up. watched cruel intentions. sort of dark comedy nga. im watching ocean's eleven next before i do my assignments in accounting. see, mas priority pa ang movies over homework, haha, im so lazy.

may i be able to take summer classes this summer. may i not give 315 to another tennant who wouldn't take care of it. may i not leave katipunana because here is where second home is. and may i FIND MY THESIS PARTNER before the sem ends...

si niña si ayen tp... i still dont have one... so:

WANTED: THESIS PARTNER

QUALIFICATIONS:
not a slave-driver
has a computer
has a cellphone
mabait, tska manlilibre lagi ng food. tska marunong magluto para pag gumagawa na ng thesis, we can stay at my place, and you do the cooking. wehehe.

i can be a good tp you know! i have a big heart... and im a writer who can write either creatively or formally. im the type of person who would observe a thing and then write something about it. so i think writing a thesis would be my stuff (!@#$%^bullshit#$%^&) and you can stay over at my unit so we can do our thesis together. see, what more can you ask for?!?! weeeeeeeeeee!

thata. will read vida's blog to see the latest updates for the academy awards...

be happy!

-trying-

Tying Shoelaces

for the first time in two days, my hands are not sweaty. maybe because of skin diving, beat the hell out of my hormones. skin diving was especially tough today, but it was fun, with all the "scramble mask game" and the survival floating and getting yourself geared up while under water. i thought i was gonna drown. but i realized that i wont drown because of incapacity to do skin diving, i'd drown because of nervousness. and now i know better. i feel comfortable under water now. see, i have to learn the basics (and the tremors tied to it) before i could enjoy the water.

lessons learned: before skin diving, i must eat heavy breakfast (preferrably with egg so i get all the cholesterol to keep me warm), take my vitamins, and let the elements take care of you, while doing the butterfly kick of course.

let sat-in at class today. it amazes me how her voice creepily sounds very much like len's... brrr, the games of nature.

im currently not thinking of depressing things.

i want to laugh. i need stand-up comedy. well, classmates said we'll have a date on saturday, so... that means lots and lots of spaghetti specially cooked by niña and more titillating talks from lynnie and ayen.. then go to church sunday morning. priest said mass is going to have a bit of a twist, coz it's the week of the hearts... so, we're coming!

for now, i study accounting. it's embarassing to be in the midst of to-be-suma-cum-laudes when i my first exam in accounting gave me a not so competitive score... id better study.

and i caught myself speaking french inside the restroom. it's fun, that i learn the french language by continually running french dialogues in my head... i think of the words, catch their resemblances with the words i know in another language, and voila, i get what it means. so that's how we learn french. repeat french sentences in your head over and over again.

i am a harassed boy. maybe i should get a body guard so no one would touch me. sarsi tried teaching me the approachable-but-sungit look, so id stay nice but keep myself from being touched... but... i dont get it. maybe im just not the type who would exude a sungit aura. yeah. me and my big heart... :-(

awryt. going to mcdo now to study. it's cooler there than here at unit. will get back before pinoy big brother commences. will not miss pbb tonight. heheh. i have an inner jologs too.

today's FACT ABOUT ME:
sometimes i have a hard time tying shoelaces... yeah. maybe my fingers are too long, they get tangled with each other.

-studying-

Sustaining Glory

and just when i was to throw myself to total devastation, my high school classmates came over and saved me from my solitary doom.

dating ayen, eyeless lynnie, and sadako reloaded... my saviors...

now is just the right time to come. the laughs are all i needed to keep me going. thank you for cheering me up..

the usual kulitan. so simple a thing, but it helps a lot. i cannot live a college life void of the tender loving care from the people who know me more than everyone else. they make my life glorious - a life sparked by small flecks of light amid the black backdrop of reality.

my medicine... my valium during my neurotic days. thank you guys. if you need a helping hand, a shoulder to lean on, if you need to whine your heart out, rant, cry, laugh, pig-out, or just talk... im just here, waiting to repay you for the deed you did today. always remember that in my heart you always comes first. i will be just here.

i mean it. no slumbook rip-offs...

-found-

Minimum Point

this is the first time i would ever fear the future.

i still havent found a new place to live in. each day pass, i will inevitably have to find me a new unit, because the contract for 315 will expire on March. i fear that i will again start at the beginning, and work my way again through the difficult process of adjusting. it's going to be tough, and i dont know if i can stand it.

i am at my lowest. i shiver at the thought that my university life is in peril, and a leave of absence can happen. if no one can finance my expenses here, then i face a school hiatus, my great fear. school is everything that matters to me. i cant imagine life without school. take it away and im not the same person. but pressing issues now confront me, face to face.

if i would continue the lifestyle im living, i would have to give up my dreams. med school is a faint dream now - because of this financial famine, im beginning to be convinced that i will never set foot in a medical school, never ever wear scrubs for work, never even touch medical books. everything is gone now, my dreams of becoming a doctor. a sacrifice that scarred my ego, a sacrifice i failed to contain. and i became a believer - that sometimes, people do GIVE UP their dreams.

...

...

everything will change after this: my future, my relationship with other people, but most of all, my self. i dont think i could maintain the attitude i exude now. again i would be forced to find a new normal, and i have to say goodbye to the smiling keneth i knew back then.

being kind now doesn't entitle me to salvation in the future. i have tried to be humble, to do good in my acads, and to live the life people wanted me to have. but in the end, everything will evaporate into a dark cloud of uncertainty. god doesn't reward kindness with kindness, for the people who suffer suffer more, entitling them a place in heaven. but what matters is now. the end cannot always ease the pain of the means. life is a cruel witch, and change is its constant companion.

whatever i did to deserve this?

-lost-

Finding Home

my inner peace is once again lost.

at 4:30 this afternoon, mum told me the news that jejo will be moving out of the unit and have a solo room at the top floor. because of that, the contract of this room (315) wont be renewed anymore for the next year of stay. mum told me that she cant handle all the expenses because she is currently in a financial slump, so if i fail to look for a new unit with a lower lodging fee now, i would be forced to reside at my relatives' in cainta, which is two jeepney rides away.

fuck. of all times naman, ngaun pa. so once again, nabulabog na naman ako. i thought i have finally rooted my feet on the ground. but people change, and the course of their actions take a toll on everyone surrounding them.

i will be homeless by the end of march.

from 5:05 to 7 i have toured the length of e. abada, scouring for a new unit that would meet the budget and wouldn't get me so far flung from civilization. i found one, but i dont feel the place. 315 is just the room for me. this is perfect, and i cant possibly do another moving out.

im leaving my options open to non-dormitory residences (because i cant live a normal life in the double-decks of dorms). and i want my home to be close to UP, because im not that good in travelling.

but my mind is always in 315. somehow, my soul integrated iteslf in the four blank white walls of this sinister building. i think of the other places i would be forced to live, try to picture a happy life, but failed. life is just here. here is where i want to ground myself for a better future. another moving out will only leave me distracted, lost, stressed, and depressed.

i am so sad today. thinking of how the effect of jejo's moving out would ruin my university life makes me feel weak and angry. my dreams are crashing down into rubbles.

but somehow, i anticipated this. i knew this was gonna happen, sooner or later. a month of no talk doesn't leave room for affection. and in this abyssal silence, i feel like nasiraan na ko. SINIRAAN NA KO. i dont want to think like this but i have a gut feeling that there is someone out there who thinks im a bad person and jejo has to get a room for himself. and i know a plan, hideous and unhumanitarian, is working at the back of this. i see the fine lines. i look at you in my mind, and grimace for being failed by a person who i first thought was perfect. it turns out you're as human as everyone else.

i seek the strong and assertive encouragements of a mom, but my mum only gave me back the whines i delivered to her. it's like a declarative saying that between me and her, i am stronger, and i take all the hardship and pain living my dream as a college student.

so i am in this by myself. she doesn't care as long as she can pay for the expenses. the cheaper the better. my comfort and convenience is a last priority, everything is just a matter of pesos.

i am tired.

i am young, and i am tired. tired of life. i think of working to suffice the financing of the unit, so i dont have to move out anymore, but i am weak inside. i cannot do it anymore. i think of doing semestral jobs in line with my study, so i can at least ease the burden of debts... but opportunities just aren't coming. think of accounting, econ106, finding a new unit, paying for the new unit, moving all my things, adjusting in the new environment, all at the same time, makes me feel like killing myself.

i am young and i want to be saved from hardship. i dont want to feel poverty, because i choose to think that the young are entitled to a happy youth so they can take on their future with energy and strength. but my case is different. im worn out, thinking of the things i shouldn't be thinking. i want to give up, but that's out of context now.

i thank a close friend, for listening, for giving me advice, for lending time thinking about my next whereabout.

as for now, i have to keep myself focused on my academics. i dont see more perfect score exams in the next few days. i reevaluate my relationships with people, think of the possible things that might happen because of this financial crisis, and this sem may just be the last time i'll ever hang-out with the high-ended friends i have. no more telephone, no more cable tv, no more starbucks, no more luxury. no more comfort.. i think of an LOA form, but the next thing after this sem lies in a dark path ahead...

-lost-

Normal Days

Today is one hell of a ride...

i pushed my limits by eating the wrong kind of food, sleeping the wrong number of hours, thinking the wrong kinds of thoughts. woke up in a morning full of smoke, sweat, and aching knee muscles. i spent the first hours of morning skipping breakfast, riding the filthiest railways, fighting headaches, and keeping my cool in the smog of pollution. i rode the pedicab for the first time in my life, faced my fear of crowds, pulled my corporate face despite my preference of scrubs over business attire. i mingle with dlsu peope in the restroom, drink brewed coffee, eat the coldest croissant. i reject the best thesis of la salle, find its statistical loopholes, and thank god i am from UP. i hear of 79 deaths in a stampede in ultra, see the lowest form of filipinos on tv, and deject the ignorance that creeps to the highest tiers of what they called "intellectual" media. i convince myself that filipinos are good actors (willy revillame, his disgusting role-playing), and that in the frustration due to poverty, filipinos transform a game show into a charitable institution. i eat my favorite food, blurt out my inner gossip-columnist, and catch up with a long-lost friend (Sherly Chan). i burn my skin from a 1:30pm sun, sit in an alien class, and ride the jeepney in all my business attire.

i cleaned the unit with my mum, and scoured every corner for a bit of trash. i indulged in food-chain food, listened to the noise from a field party in ateneo, watched another commercial shoot, and slept like a child under the parched 3:00 afternoon. i tie the cables of information, organize the things in my desk and in my mind, and reenergize with fried pork chop. i blog and scratch my pale legs while listening to the latest updates of the ultra tragedy. i plan for a good sleep.

i am all used up, when an orgmate reminds me again of the jersey fitting for the varsity (petty varsity) may tomorrow be a normal day.

first time to ride the pedicab...

-exhausted-

Skin Diving

see, we have skin diving classes when brylee's not around. this morning, he didn't come to sit-in, and as i expected, skin diving turned out well. i was correct all along... may balat si brylee sa pwet. haha.

skin diving never felt so good. during the first meetings i always got unnerved by the chilling water, cramped toefingers, and a trembling jaw. but today was a different day.

prof asked us to float on our backs, and it was the first time i appreciated doing that... amid the pressure of UP days, amid 30-years old moss accumulates on the swimming pool floor, amid the tiny whateverthings floating with me, i felt relaxed looking up at the blue sky, the heavenly ocean curtained with white cotton. the sun baking my face was very welcome, despite the fact that UV rays rapture skin cells, but this time it was different. just me and my classmates floating on a vast expanse of blue.

it's phenomenal.

and prof taught us this cool diving position called the back-flip entry. it's like the one in the nestea commercial, you enter the water back first. it's my favorite. doing it is like giving yourself up to a greater entity that will engulf you, then bring you back to the surface so you can breathe. it's a simple joy im willing to pay for.

and not to mention the healthy tan i get everytime i go skin diving.

and the singing and mini-concert we get whenever we wash the chlorine off our bodies in the washroom. we have two classmates from a singing ensemble and they never failed to amaze us with their cool voices. i guess men are really like that. we like singing while we take a bath.

haay. i cant wait for skin diving next week. will try harder to keep me amphibious for a longer period of time.

wish me luck!

and yes i am pacified at the moment. im a better person now. i dont hold grudges with me that long anymore. anger management is a ticket to youthful vitality. practice it.

-tanned-