Free Verse

lalalalar. wla lang. just trying out the white font.

according to ayen, the biggest pain is from the sudden stop after a roller coaster ride. yah. momentum and stuff. physically and rhetorically.

was blog hopping a while ago (suddenly i have all the time in the world...) i came upon this one favorite blog of mine...

~coffeetalks.blogspot.com

Ode to You

I get terribly insecure when you're out there and I'm here. I'm always left to wonder what you're doing, who you're with, but most especially, what goes on in your mind and in that delicate heart of yours.

Fate absolutely didn't side with us when it led you to where you are right now. I'm still disappointed and at times, frustrated. But day by day I'm starting to believe in us. My faith is starting to build up again and somehow I don't doubt that we can actually make it. "Make it" alluding to ending up together in some way.

There's nothing else in the world I love more than you. I comfort myself in my lonely moments by thinking that it is actually within my grasp to be by your side for the rest of your life. It is in my hands to embrace you, protect you, and surround you with something utterly honest and real.

Mwah.


~end of entry...

talk about poetic.

and what could this honest and real thing be?

everyone has a poetic side i guess. and i believe that the best poems are the most passionate ones.

to tin, atta-girl! any guy could fall in love with you with that poem... even girls! yieee! or maybe im just being receptive of rhythms and poetry because i've been reading the poem book you gave me as gift last christmas... you remember? Misterios by Neil Garcia? he appears to be gay, but well, he's a master storyteller... poem-style.

thatit. i wonder if i'd have to delete the colorful icons at the sidebar so everything would just be black and white and dark maroons...

later.

-bored-

New Layout

yey! new layout! i made it myself. obvious ba? hehe, i've been planning to construct a new layout for this blog since february (which is my blog's birth-month), but i wasn't able to afford the time until now. so. yan. what do you think? pwede na ba ko maging graphic artist?

it's starting to sink in on me, that im 19 now, maybe i could help myself grow up on things people consider kid stuff already. take my blue-stars layout for example. hmmm. ya.

or maybe there are just things in life you have to leave behind so you could move on for the better.

im 19, paranoid, but smiling the shit out of my life.

may i get laid before the year ends.

jigga!

oh by the way, the page is set on mozilla firefox format - so if you're using internet explorer, some of the boxes might not be properly aligned. it's better there, i mean, blogs look better if you use mozilla firefox as browser... internet explorer has a thing on enlarging everything, that's why in internet explorer, everything looks bloated. so i suggest you download mozilla firefox from download.com. or mozilla.com. wherever. use it for browsing.

-blah-

Joyeux Anniversaire

joyeux anniversaire
joyeux anniversaire
joyeux joyeux
joyeux joyeux
anniversaire a moi...

happy birthday to me! yey.

...

uff. pathetic.

i miss my best friends. normally i celebrate my birthday with them. and now they're nowhere to be seen. but anyhows, i still stick to the tenet that one shouldn't be celebrating birthdays alone, despite quarter life crisis, you should be able to hangout with some one, at least.

thanks kit.

i can hardly believe that im nineteen now. 1 last year of being a teen, though my body doesn't comply with the tendencies of nature. maybe there will come a time when i would grow up so fast, so i can catch up with my age. whenever that is, i say this is the year when i would try to do the things i never did before. i never had the chance to do so. i hope this year, i'd be able to enjoy the vitality of youth the way paula had always reminded me to.

i miss lipa city. i wanna go home now.

to gale, thank you for being so supportive. you're even more supportive than my mum. thank you really, i could have just broken down.

the real world exists out there, outside econ, amid the smog, and all the gloom. in that world, reality bites, yes, and you may not get what you so wanted to have. but no matter how painful the bites are, you have friends who would heal them in no time.

God has a way of saving lonely people from the death of the soul.

but then of course, the initiative to open your hearts and give people the chance to heal you all depends on what you think is right from within.

Ode to My Elements:

upon my rock, d, i am safe
listening to my nightingale, a,
i cherish...
the elements that make me.

so poetic. not my normal self. hmmm, maybe im inspired. maybe something else.

-happy birthday to me-

Birthday Eve

hey. its the eve of my birthday, and it's raining hard. i so dont like having my day drenched with isolated rain showers.

i feel notably sad. maybe quarter life crisis. maybe my not having passed bio. maybe something else.

i just realized how im slowly becoming a nocturnal creature. which is bad i think, for my health. i dont get my morning pee-pee hard-ons these past few days. so maybe something really really wrong's gonna happen.

erm. i hate self-righteous people. i could've swallowed them alive if i had the guts that big.

advanced happy birthday to me.

my first birthday card. thanks kit.

still have to clean unit. another announcement: unit 315 golden crescent is in need of janitorial services... dial.... you know the numbers.

-fucked up-

Faulty Sewage

damn sink wont work!?! and it fell again! apparently the fastening bolts gave way, and now the sink is bugged. it went down early this morning, and this morning is another fucked up morning. i barely slept, coz i was out till four.

in the morning. uff.

so i dont think i functioned well today. must have been really weird. me.

sori ayen for leaving you hanging this morning. i totally went out of my plans, because of some hanging out that lasted all day. sori, will compensate next time. Ü

unit is flooded like a swamp. really big problem on the pipes. i may need a plumber. dial 433-0535.

announcement: i am renting books for the summer - anyone interested in lending me one, please contact me at 0920 843 6847. thank you.

pretty boring at unit, so i spent all day at gateway. thanks kit.

honey mustard is best on chicken fillet. yummey.

bai.

-will i or will i not-

Pathetic GWA

dammit. im lost again. or paranoid. angsty. erg i hate this.

how could i be so stupid? stupid as in dummy... my gwa is so problematic, it doesn't get me anywhere. bio has turned me down because im bobo. dammit.

i dont want to go back to econ anymore. i want to go somewhere else. econ is suffocating me.

will meet with highschool classmates tomorrow. yey. i need some diversions.

-darn-

XMen III

we've just watched xmen, and well, what can i say. xmen had always been my guilty pleasure, ever since i was a child, i would fancy all the dna mutation and stuff, think inside my head about that world were magic is but an anomaly of the genes. huff. another natural high, so high, i even forgot that i should be mourning right now because - i wasn't accepted to the College of Science.

o yes. i wasn't. well. so much for my dreams of medschool you'd say...

but...

it doesn't end there. i know i want to study now, i know who myself is, i have a partial knowledge of what my capacity is, and i am willing to do what it takes to get me into medschool. im a simple kid with big dreams.

anyhows. maybe this year id be a non-major student. pretty risky but, i dunno, that's the only way i can save myself from all the econ in the world.

back to xmen, it's so sad that the writers killed almost everyone. scott summers had to die, i know, he's not much of a character anyways. but xavier... oh man. does he really have to die? what's the mutant world without him? ??? haha im getting too involved now, moving on.

xmen3 has lots of babes. famke's so hot, she could really make you go deltaentropy = 1 googol. anna looks older. rebecca is tsssssssss, halle is oooh la la!

i actually find the person who played arkite hot. well. im really weird.

tut tut tut.

did you know that one of my childhood dreams was to cast in an xmen movie? i was fancying myself the nightcrawler, only im not an inch german.

haay. till next time. im still high coz of xmen. i hope there's xmen4. they say there's actually a spin-off for wolverine. sayang, i should've stayed on the movie house until the end of the credits because there's supposed to be a clue there, that there will be some new movie about wolverine... blah blah.

bai!

-high-

Vinci Code

*yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn*

gud morning.

chem is over. and im 90% confident that i wont take chem16 ever again. me hopes i get a grade at higher than 3. you know, with the efforts and all, and the unfair system (since we have a terrorizing lab instructor and others dont), i hope i get higher than 3.

chem classmates slept over.

ok, so maybe we really arn't as photogenic as when im with my other friends... hehe. well anyways.

but before that. da vinci code muna!

herm, what can i say? id agree that the momentum of the movie is nothing compared to the letters, but at least, the cinematography is astounding. i especially like the flashbacks, it was so great, it lives up to the name motion-picture photography. they're like the pictures i see on the encyclopedia, pieced together. it was almost there in the imageries. its just the momentum. some slack.

nevertheless, i was right on my take on paul bethany as silas. he's the perfect albino, as far as my limited knowledge about hollywood actors could think of. yes, he's the one. i dont think audrey tautou embodied sophie neveu very well, because sophie is more sizzling than that. i thought sophie's a bomb. but well, i cant think of anyone right now who would've played the role better. and ian mckellen? oh yes. and may i just say i cant wait for xmen3: the last stand. hmmm...

gaspard ulliel should have played the role of sophie's (audrey's) brother. haha, para weird! in one movie they're lovers, then here they're siblings. see if they still have good chemistry.

then drews. drinks. and cinderella hour.

masarap pala maglakad sa ulan...

with someone you could spend time under the rain with.

another sentence ended with a participle. really really weird thing happening inside me. well who cares. basta at the moment, all i know is tat when you're walking with someone under the rain, out on just city lights, exchanging numbers even if the raindrops are drenching you, but everything else feels right, and when you least expected it - you might... fall in love.

-turgahan sayisman kaigpanadax venga turgot veñdeta crucis-

BB42 Bubble

what am i doin? im supposed to be studying for the finals tomorrow.

...

ok lang. 17 points na lang naman para pumasa. *slack* uhm. just so you know. personal computer is working properly again. but cdrom is whacked. i could destroy it any minute now. yesterday i rented 4 movies and ended up returning them without watching them because freaking cd tray just wont fuckin open.

...

4 new friend requests on my friendster account. eeny meany miney moe...

...

im feeling nostalgic and all. i dropped by my friendster and tumbled upon my laiya photos with my ever cherished high school buddies... sheesh. the fact that we were once there, out in the beach, tanning ourselves in the most beautiful philippine sun, all bonded together like we're made to be together forever, makes me wanna ... uf... cry. coz im stuck here at the unit, still with the pale skin ive been wearing since the rainy season last year. i wanna go to the beach, with my friends of course. i miss y'all.

haha. best bud daryl is, unfortunately, the one who took this picture. so you wont see him there..

animo!

la salle is the one. nothing compares. in la salle, pasteurs are always greener.

erg. it's just once in a blue moon that i get so involved with my emotions about my highschool classmates, that i always miss saying how important all of y'all formed my highschool years. let me just say i value bb42 more than anything. i miss our bb42 bubble, gravely.

erg...

i need to see at least one person from bb42. i can deteriorate from loneliness if i dont see one.

uff. sorry, me's being too emotional here. too bad boys dont have "pms" so i dont have anything to blame this emotion overload to.

i just ended my last sentence with a participle. that's bad. something really wrong is happening inside me.

-i need chocolate-

Happy Day

chem16 partial results released a while ago. so, amid all the sweat, back pains, pungent fumes, and tears (oh yes, tears, chem is a universal depressant you know, well not in a barbiturate kind of way...) i still haven't made it to the excemption.. i haven't even made it to the passing cutoff! fuck. see, chemistry is a killa. but nevertheless, i will do myself some salvation. tomorrow is the finals, and hell yes i will study tonight like there's no more tomorrow. besides, what's a night of torture if the following night i'll be spending gimmick time with friends, watch some movies and whateverthings... yeah. will study.

let's call today the "raging-hormones-in-a-proper-way day." let's see, UP chempav, greenwich, starbucks, who was i with? yieeee! ok so this is where this entry plunges to the nebulous, but whoever knows what im talking about, give me a shoutout! ayan tag-board oh, sa side...

suddenly i feel like im young again, vital, free-thinking, useful, worthy... my new friends are persuading me to join this soccer club called SIKAD, and it got me thinking, im actually looking forward to joining it. lar. will do many things for my newfound friends. it's not everyday that you meet very nice people, people who knows how to appreciate, people who knows one's worth despite his lack on academics or org stuff or whatver.

as the days go by, i find it harder and harder not to hate econ.

anyhows.

hey check this photo out.

this is the knot i have once talked about. a little swish and a little flicker of the hand, it appeared! and then i cant do it anymore... wala lang. simple pleasures. heaps and heaps of beauty in this world.

some drastic changes to my room. yey! mum bought me jigsaw floor cushions! weee!

thata!

-bonne chance-

Sad Excerpt

http://livejournal.com/~super_ayen

i've been reading blogs of people who graduated this year.they reminisce about those good old times and how they're going to miss it.man. in a few months ill be in my 2nd to the last year in college.

...

in 2 years time (if everything goes well), i would also be saying goodbye to UP, to my friends, to professors, to the ate's and kuya's...and if things go as planned. i'll be leaving the country as well.

...

i hate goodbyes. though goodbyes also mean the start of a brand new adventure, it also means leaving behind things and people that have become part of your life. people and things that have become so important to you....that you have learned to love. i hate it when people can't stay...when they go.

...

i dont like the feeling of being left behind. but its not like i can do anything about it. we have separate lives, we have different dreams....sometimes no matter how people try so hard to keep things the way they were before...they just cant. things change. people change.things would be different. no matter how much i wish it wouldnt, i know it would.

...

i remember my conversation with tin at mcdo, about how we would eventually spend less time together and stuff like that and it makes me sad. really sad.oh well.

~end of entry~
...
...
*tears*

-...-

Ano Daw

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.... waaaah! everything's moving fast! wehaaaiiiit!!

ok so it's just been hours since i got over my 3rd exam in chem16, and man, was it a killa. i feel like ive flushed Php2020.00 down the toilet.

its so unfair. our lab class barely made it to the passing. eh ung iba, running for excemptions?? antataas nila! kung kami mga 160 ung range, lowest na nila un. imagine our disgust when everyone seemed enjoying a 201 lab standing, when the highest score in our lab class is 161. pero well. life's like that in chem. erm, disoriented pa ko. will expound later.

mum and bro and ate rica are at the unit, with none other than *drum roll*, my multiracial niece. i wonder what they're up to now.

erg, im so not making sense. im happy because i chatted with my bestfriends just now. erg. what? yes the girl, she talked to me a while ago, her name's kit. haha. pretty girl? erg. will organize my thoughts later bai.

-ewan-

Practicality Troubles

the trouble of being addicted to online gaming - people start talking to the monitor. haha. you should just hear what my seatmate here in cybercaf is blabbering about...

third exam tomorrow in chem! waah. wish me all the luck in the world.

mum is "delivering" my "fixed" personal computer tomorrow. erm, the problem with my mom is, she wont buy me a laptop even if she's practically paying more for the fixing of the computer than if she bought a laptop. but well. as jejo said, a laptop is hard to fix, because once you get something wrong inside, it's bugged forever. but whoever said pc's are none the worse? you keep fixing them all the time!

anyhows. later...

-bleep-

Stick Thin

ok. so this is what's been bothering me all day. people had commented on my thinness twice today, and i replied with humble declaratives about my being in chem as the reason to why i looked like a walking stick...

well. that's not actually the reason why i lost some weight again. herm, i dont want to put it here, but lets just say i was born thin, so maybe i'd grow up thin. does that hurt anybody?

maybe if you could paraphrase the thinness to LEAN, would have made my day bright... and with that as premise, may i just ask, whoever said being lean was bad?

erf. anyways. jl said id actually gain weight when i reach the magnificent 2-0, so, y'all just have to wait.

erg.

today is the day when i first tasted a fresh aratilis fruit straight from the tree. i was walking with my chem classmates at e. abada a while ago, and kc spotted a red fruit squashed beneath my sneakers, she looked up and behold, the aratilis tree. yum pala un. sarap. will plant an aratilis nearby.. haha!

bumped into ana at a girl's dorm at e. abada! wow! people are getting nearer and nearer. ana banana! we should go out! im just a few steps a way...

that's it. im still in the cybercaf doing this because personal computer is still somewhere out there, and im not hoping to get my fingers on it anymore this summer so... un. i only have Php20 in my wallet. haha, tibay ko. what if 21 pesos ung charge nung internet caf sakin? hala!

-bai-

Stereotyping Maladies

what does topo topo barega mean? i dunno anything about it, but topo topo sure sounds like food. so maybe it's topo topo from barega... wherever barega is.

truly, stereotyping gives you distorted images of reality. let's see...

people say:

~the school of economics - is UP's pugad for lasallites who, as what the trend dictates, are the purest breed of coños, with the highest ending surnames, with the most expensive lifestyles... hermmmm, tama naman. but not all of us from the upse are living the life of a model everyday. i myself do not impart in their standard, which is maybe my point why i had to go somewhere else - to bio, because im basically different from all of dem econ people.

~up college of business administration - pugad naman for xavierians. it's basically like a chinese school. BA caf is almost like chinatown. *noise noise noise* herm. i dont have anything to disprove the stereotype. so let it be.

~up college of engineering - the place in up where fraternities are made, and where they collide by force! whoo! marlboro country! riot here, riot there, riot everywhere. o baka ako lang may concept na ganito. ... whatever.

~the college of arts and letters - boholand! i dunno, but my idea of cal is bohemia. and they're all women! if there's a guy there, he might probably be gay who curses in the most luxurious spanish or french. haha! basta i think there are a lot of girls in cal. hmmm, girls galore!

~chk - uh... honestly my original idea of chk is that it is dominated by dimwits who know nothing but swing the bat, dribble the ball, smash the leather bag, or do a tumble turn. i was wrong, because there are actually a lot of smart people in chk - they only get low on the acads because they have trainings and stuff, but some of them are really smart...

~college of science - as by empirical knowledge, most of the people in CS have no social lives. in fact, many think there lives in CS the nerdiest creature to ever walk UP. and my personal idea of a person from cs is: thick spectacles, baggy shirt, baggy pants, overloaded backbacks, books at hand, and a bead necklace - an obvious attempt to soften the stiff intellectual aura that effuses from their bodies - and also an obvious failure in my very personal opinion... wihihihi. but but but... no, it is not always the case. i mean go to chempav, and you will find yourself saying hey chempav people are not that bad. they actually look good, especially the teachers, because they're all young and lively and ... well, as for my case, sexy. hehe. and i have this chem16 lab class which is just adjacent to another chem16 lec class which is also a pugad for very beautiful girls. i mean one time i was eating my breakfast at the corridors of chempav (you cant eat inside the laboratories) i was just watching everyone walk by, and i noticed that this particular class has a lot of pretty girls in it, i might have just walked on in. hehe. actually i did, during the first day. stupid me i didn't look very carefully on my form 5. so i was there, seating round, basking in all the girl aura, when after 30 minutes, something alarmed inside my head and it said in ding dong: "this is not your room ding dong!" and it was right. erf.

anyways. my point is, stereotyping can lead to a lot of misconceptions that, according to the chaos theory, can lead to huge damages in some part of the world, in some aspect of the body of knowledge, and in some history of humankind.

un lang. sana naentertain kau!

-ice is the only solid that is less dense than its liquid form-

Random Thoughts

napansin ko lang. why is it called white chocolate mocha in starbucks? as far as i know it, when you put white chocolate in coffee to make mocha, you refer to it as white mocha. so anu ngaun ung meaning ng white chocolate mocha? hindi ba redundant?

tapos meron ding tazo tea... hindi ba tazo means tea? or more technically, tea is a derivative of tazo... tazo is the ancient drink. tea is more modern. blah.

i already know the reason why most of the time, water is cold. it's because of its specific heat! water has a really high s.h. that why it needs higher temperature to raise one gram of H2O a degree celsius higher. we should be thankful that water has high specific heat, otherwise, all the natural waters in the world will be lukewarm...

on pbb:

joaqui is a vermin. he basically doesn't know what it means to be disciplined.

fred is still searching for his identity. should he be uptight? gay? metrosexual? buff and straight? whatever...

clare is... out of place. poor girl.

jam is being contained. i imagine big brother telling his assitants, "no matchmaking for little miss teen-mom. it will destroy the personality spectrum."

brenda = obnoxious. no, she's more of a freak. (pero teka, hindi pala totoo na psychic sya... ok, forgiven...) ulet..

brenda is jaded. my brother says brenda looks like gollum in the lotr series. hehe (we are a family of weird concepts. more of my family at the bottom of this entry.)

bam is more obnoxious than brenda the psychic. bam is not really the clown in the house, he's more of the depressive brat who gets all the attention to himself by crying out loud.

niña is generic. no more no less.

matt is the real clown of the house. yes, there's a jester behind that bushy hair.

mikee reminds me of lemy. hrmm... therefore, kim reminds me of... _______(fill in the blank the name of lemy's girl fantasy. har. har.)

olyn is ... i dunno. she's vague.

gerald wins the hearts of all the girls in town. i mean, which girl do not want a half-blood who speaks tongue-tied Tagalog?

kim wins *drum roll* my heart. he. he.

aldred loves being dreaded that he put it in his name. Al-DREAD.

mikki is spontaneous. she has lofty intrapersonal intelligence. it's so lofty, i doubt that she's aware that cameras are all around her.

on the philippine idol:

i hope this is as fun as american idol.

...

brother: may kabarkada ako taga-leyte sabi pag daw signal number 4 ung bagyo, tinatawanan lang nila.

mami: oo, lagi dun malakas ang bagyo eh... hindi na nga yata takot sa bagyo mga taga leyte eh...

brother: mejo. pag lang signal number ten tska sila nagmmoor ng mga bangka nila...

?

bwahahaha! signal #10? may ganun ba?

...

mami's cellphone (na ginagamit minsan ni brother): "sige ha, kita na lang tayo tomorrow... teecee!"

mami: aba, sino to?

brother: sakin yata yan, si isay ga?

mami: hindi, si teecee daw...

?

bwahahahahahahahaha!!! ang hirap talaga pag malaki ang generation gap. mami, ang teecee ay expanded version lang ng abbreviation na tc which means - take care. ...

teecee? anu yun, bisayang teysi? BWAHAHAHAHAHA! lol.

my computer will remain unfixed due to the storm. storm made all shops closed. me hate storm.

i miss ayen and the rest of the gang. hermm... where could they be...?

hay. now that ive appeased my hypergraphic needs, im signing off. bai!

-belated happy birthday blog-

Summer Rains

wow, its raining hard outside. the wind is tearing gcm apart. eee scarrry...

pero ansarap. this is like lipa city - the temperature i mean. in lipa, its always cooler. but not that cool like baguio or tagaytay. but at least its cooler there than here.

angginawwww...

the water is freezing. for the first time this summer, i warmed water first before i took a bath. normally i dont. but you dont actually care dont you? haha.

haay. today is sleeping day. i woke up around 7 just to find myself dozing off to sleep again. mum and big brah left already with the personal computer. i hope they get it fixed. and i hope the repair shop is available now that signal #2 was raised in batangas. hay, poor batangueños. all wet today.

one more week to go! then its chillaxin. under the sun i hope. ive been informed that classes will start on the 13th pa. thank God. enough time to get me rejuvenated with some summer lovin. beach tau!!

-lamig lamig-

No Depressives

fralalalala.

im like the most prolific blogger there is. haha. who can beat my three entries in 24 hours record?

i think i have a mild case of this mania called hypergraphia. ive talked about it once. but... wala lng. i just want to write something about it. haha. hyper... graphic... hypergraphic. ive read about it from national geographic. its obviously a disorder that concerns writing. and you know the worst case is when the hypergraphic person actually writes on the rest room walls.

freak.

...

im happy. despite everything... hindi pala. im more of CONTENTED. yeah. that's right. contented. i dont want to be affected by the negativity of sad people. i just dont want to be back to that stage na walang patutunguhan. be happy for a change. pero well, now that im happy, i look back and say, ah maybe its a stage. and i had to pass through that to get things into concept. ngaun i believe ive graduate from all the depression. i may not be having the time of my life, but at least i laugh harder now. with my newfound friends, who makes me feel so special. be happy!

whatever you're thinking, just dont let the negativity out. happy is better than sad.
-smile-

Foolish Cheetah

grrr... dapat kasi hindi ko na lang ginaya sagot nya!!! fuck!

major lesson learned today: if you know what you're doing, and as long as you have solutions to your anwers, DO NOT CHEAT!!

you see we had a quiz earlier and i was getting along well with my answers when my seatmate stooped upon my paper and told me that we have different answers. erg. well, knowing her, their lab class is performing very well compared to ours, and i deduced that maybe she was right because their lessons are always ahead of us (their lab prof is a spoonfeeder), i changed my answers. I CHANGED MY ANSWERS. MY CORRECT ANSWERS! my final answers turned out wrong after we checked the quiz. fuck talaga! dammit.

so instead of having a perfect score, i get zero. fuck.

guys, do not cheat, no matter what, as long as you know what you're doing...

that's why cheetos go to hell, they dont get the right answers. they end up having hell a life in UP. puhuuhuu...

-kharma-

Partial Equilibrium

85 out of a hundred and fifty. what the hell was tat?

kasi.

i knew i wont make it above a hundred. ang init dun sa room tapos andami tao, crammed! tapos hindi pa ko nag-aaral. hay hay. good thing that was the hardest exam.

so wala din ung 110 ko nung first exam. 97 din average ko. erf. ok lang. at least i knew just a while ago that my lab standing's still doing fine. will endure. one more week of no social life. kayang kaya.

antagal maayos ng computer ko. grr... galit na talaga ko! kakainis...

final exam in chem16 is on the 24th of may. and then classes start on june 5. that's barely 2 weeks of peace and quiet. it bothers me that starting from now, the vacations i will hopefully have are only weeks long. 2 weeks max. kawawang bata. im overworked, under... laid.

anyhows. shifting results to be released a day before last day of summer classes. antagal. i cant wait. i hope i get in. sayang naman Php100 if they wont let me in.

there are a lot of beautiful things that go unappreciated by many. a lot. really.

-frala-

Paralyzing Histamine

today is the first time i got real exhausted since i dunno when.

we had our second long exam a while ago, the stomper. my mind was completely blank when i was doing the exam, shit, and my back was numb because it started out really painful this morning. then my hormones did their usual play again, and everything is so complicated when they do it... i dont think i will pass the exam, shit it was really a killer. and im not in my best.

huff.

ninong pete cotauco died yesteryesterday. poor guy. died from cancer. he used to be the dean of the tertiary department of lasalle. he was one of my dad's greatest friends. now they're together in cielo. too bad i wasnt able to spend more time with him... the world just lost a great guy.

...

i dont want to think in this certain way, but i cant resist thinking if everything people do in this life is worth something. i mean worth is so relative, it's almost arbitrary. i work my ass out in chem, just to get me started with my big dreams, and i try to exude this healthy-i-have-a-dream aura for real, but then i look ahead, and start doubting if everything im doing now is worth it. man. it's really a long long way to medschool. i was so unlucky to be doomed with such angst. life's so unfair. everyone else is better. everyone else is enjoying life. everyone else is happy. i thought id be happy doing what i liked doing... i was only half-correct. sometimes, when exams get so depressing, i get all too anxious of whatever, and start losing the hopes i have capitalized from.

i will see the results of my shifting tomorrow. i still want to be in bio no matter what. may it be just a stage, my being weak and whatever. just please... just...

haay. its so hard, man. having no one beside you when you try the waters, having no one to back you up when you feel down, having no one to... erf.

bat ganun?

i suddenly hate everything. i hate my hair. im too ugly. i hate me because im so stupid. i hate my guts. i hate my aristocratic relatives. i hate the tv for not having discovery channel. i hate computer for being so irritatingly useless. i hate my pictures, why is he always smiling? i hate everyone. i hate having bumped into four econ people and waving at them when they greeted me. i hate staying up late at chempav for a teacher who wouldnt come for the consultation. i hate walking alone in a pitch black UP. i hate walking alone in a pitch black UP not knowing that two people are following me. i hate reaching the lighted part of the road and the two people tells me they've watched me go, and they tell me i have a gait. i hate being so bad in the exam, i might have flunked it. i hate mental blocks. i hate everything.

darn.

putangina!!!!!

-pagod na ko-

Yappy Youngster

kc... no im not 16. it was a joke! in fact im turning 19 by the end of summer! im a man already... im not a kid anymore. like who's saying you dont look like a kid with your cutesy ponytail?

we all look like kids.

nyay. it bothers me, now that everyone's saying i look like a kiddo... i mean at first it sounds great --> who doesn't want to look young? but then, if id be deemed like a kid today, it may stick up to me for the rest of my life... and its not cool being always a kid, i mean i wanna be like some big man with facial hair something... haha. iw. well people like it, raunchy guys always appear in paper bags, girls carry paper bags, paper bag is everywhere...

id been looking at myself in the mirror these past few days. i really have this very lean body that i say maybe photographers might afford to get a cut of me for some magazine or some portfolio whatever. hehe. i really think i have to get my body exposed. sayang eh, when i grow old, it wont be there anymore, the vitality, the leanness, and everything will be replaced by fat. which is not so photogenic anymore. they should get me to the photo shoots... im serious!

well. in my dreams. heaps of taller guys out there.

anyways i got myself a new haircut. not the usual "shark" updo, i asked ate lorna (my coiffeuse) to cut it side-swipe style. look at me, i look younger more than ever. eeek! noohoooo...

id be hijo forever...

-jeunesse-

Chem Drugged

ergggg...

erm...

ak....

whats this? my idiolects not working...

haay. i just realized that whenever im not doing anything, everything comes back to me beaten up child who doesn't have a bright future who is always depressed who has no friends who has been through years of being goody goody and went out underappreciated. so that's why i loved having chem16 this summer. didn't give me the time to go back to my lone self. at least when im studying chem, and it's basically taking up most of my time (the time i spend studying chem is longer than my sleeping time), i have no time to spare for reflection and being sad over my fucked up life.

im so such a lackluster. how many times have i thought of this.

ive been reading blogs lately (of my peers), seems that im not living the life i should be living. ive landed to blogs that talk about lives revolving around love, lives revolving round friends, round family, round ... friends, round barkada, round parties, erggg... it makes me feel like im way mature for my age which is - half-true.

hum dum hum dumdidum.

ang lungkot.

no one has texted me today. that's depressing.

it bothers me now (that im not thinking of anything) that i dont have anyone to talk to, not one to send a quote or text message or something. everyone's basically focused on their separate lives, and there possibly couldn't be anything too important if i send them text messages, and they wouldn't even bother deleting whatever, and its just wasted money, which i, well i......... huff.

i think my point is, im eighteen, and i dont have a girlfriend at the moment. AND IM NOT EVEN DATING!!

...

nyerk. whatever im saying.

i basically have a weird concept about everything.

tell me the reason why i picture myself as the person who would kill the hours in a stuffy library, eat alone in a restaurant that serves oily food, watch tv, laugh out loud, hear my voice resound the unit, and feel so stupid for being so alone when there are so many people out there partyin, eatin with friends, whatever.

aaargghhh...

let me confess something. (since most of my friends have found out that i have a SECRET blog)...

im not so much of the innocent boy with a big heart that everyone knows. you see, i had "relationships" with girls who, as far as my knowledge had the capacity to understand, are only up for the perks of having a guy pose at the background for their "that's-my-fling/boy-toy pic". ive had flings with girls who are not really up to doing serious stuff, just hanging round, laro lang, more of puppy love with a university twist. and its kind of trashy ... ?

i didnt like it. having flings with people just for the sake of not being single at the moment.

basta i always end up feeling used... !@#^&*(

erg wag na nga.

if i go back to studying chem, maybe all these things im feeling will go away. hopefully.

-no trace-

Jade Land

rihanna is so fuhreakin hot! tsssss...

see, i told you tin, most people in the caribbean are very pretty. i dunno where you got that idea that uber-coal-black people live there. maybe trinidad and tobago, but... i've been researching much today, and i learned that in barbados (where rihanna was from), most residents are black, and their eyes are all liquid, like green or hazel, or hazel-green.

see that's it! green-eyed people with olive skin... its like jade land. land of the beautiful people. i wanna go to barbados. see if all people there are fur real.

-hot-

Far Away

huhu. i think i failed my 11th experiment.

i missed the (NO3) anion! uhaa! andaya naman kasi, bakit sakin pa may ganun. anghirap kaya palabasin un. buti sana kung carbonate lang or phosphate or sulfate... erg kainis. basta i tried thrice, still i found no sign of nitrate. there should be a brown ring in my solution, eh wala. so i think the solution is problematic muwahahahaha. its not my fault...

andali talaga dun sa ibang prof ng chem. we sat into a class again this afternoon. parang lax na lax ung iba... erg. mali pinili kong lab. a matter of A or B. i chose B and everything became dark.

phbttt....

kakaasar.

i wonder how kellie pickler's coping with her being out of idol. i think elliot will win. or will he? he made paula cry... and ayen too. i like his voice. he's like jason mraz. they produce a sound that's not forced, a magnificent sound, not stressful to hear. erm...

i wonder wot i'll do tomorrow. i think i'll be studying my brains out again at starbucks the whole day. i have to be early so i can get my favorite seat at the table. no one's getting his her ass on that chair.

napansin ko lang. weekend before last, tska nung last weekend din, i studied at starbucks, lagi ko kasabay ung 2 people dun. i'll arrive at starbucks at 8, andun na ung guy na nag-aaral din... may book sya lagi dala na cardiology... hrmmm... tska meron syang sariling tumbler. tapos after an hour, dadating ung gurl, (na pretty, hehe), tapos oorder sya ng iced coffee. occassionally the guy will get out, smoke outside, and return with a cola. tapos ung gurl, every thirty minutes, nagccr. every thirty minutes din ata tumitingin sa salamin. lagi syang nag-sstretch. palagi sya tumitingin everywhere. to us, to the counter, to the door, to the cr. tapos titingnan na naman nya sarili nya sa salamin. haha. hahaha. napansin ko un! bwihihihi. i wonder what will happen to us tomorrow... absent ako nung last sunday eh, i went back to batangas kasi. siguro something happened to the guy and the gurl already. i missed the action! sayang! haha!

oh well. simple pleasures. sometimes i just want to sit somewhere and watch people walk by. it gives me a feeling that there are a lot of people out there who gets the same mistakes as i do, who share the same sentiments that i feel, and who is as unsure of fate as i am.

walk, strut, walk, strut.

walk strut...

-footsteps-

Humanizing Entropy

erm, i just thought of some things, so i rushed back to this cybercaf to get them sucked out of my head.

i was just from national bookstore, and i got absorbed by the many books that reviewed and critiqued the controversial book written by dan brown about the affairs of jesus. well, it just bothers me why they have to waste papyrus just to say that this fiction is wrong, or that fact is non-existent, or this is a book of errors, just to put above the title that it is the Unofficial guide to revealing the secrets of blahrblahr. i mean, the book is a fiction in the first place. why do they have to scold a beautiful fiction because it tried to sound like its the true bible. not that. they can hound the da vinci code all they want. all i can say is that the book is one of the best creative fictions i have ever read so far. not one stupid and poorly made story. dan brown is a creative writer. he's a genius.

was just chatting with tin... here:

tin ablaza: guess what!

kimoy: oh!

kimoy: anjan ka pala!

kimoy: ok i'l guess

tin ablaza: haha

kimoy: you will join tf-log?

tin ablaza: wuts that??

tin ablaza: ah yeah!haha..

kimoy: taskforce logistics

kimoy: !!

tin ablaza: like i have a choice..

kimoy: yeah you have

kimoyo: i declined the proposal

kimoyo:

kimoyo:

tin ablaza: ooo, very bad kimoy..

tin ablaza: well i can put it in my resume..

tin ablaza: what im trying to say is, i found your secret blog!

tin ablaza: bwahahaahahaahaha!

tin ablaza: im such a techie!!!!

kimoy: huwaaat??

kimoy: which one?

tin ablaza: secret..

kimoy: whatever

tin ablaza: ang galing ko..

kimoy: as if its a secret to me

kimoy: which one???

tin ablaza: oo nga naman as if it's a secret to you..

kimoy: is it the green and white and brown one?

tin ablaza: secret!kimoy: argh fuckar! SPILL!!!

kimoy: oh no, not the angry blog one

tin ablaza: hihiihi!

tin ablaza: wahahaha

kimoy: ?

tin ablaza: i will find time to read all the entries in this particular blog..just not now..

kimoyo: yeah as if you can, i will change everything's address right now

kimoy: you know

kimoy: now na

tin ablaza: eh even if you change it ill find it..

kimoy:

kimoyo: how did you find it??????

tin ablaza: sorry..

kimoy: hahaha, i suddenly got hyped

tin ablaza: i wasnt intending on finding it dear.

kimoy: nah its owtei

kimoyo:

kimoyo: i just hope i didnt write anything that might offend ya

tin ablaza: oh no i hope i dont find anything im scared of finding out those types of stuff

tin ablaza: well anyway i have got to go..

i have an exam tomorrow..

kimoy: haha like what?

kimoy: ow ok

kimoy: good luck then

tin ablaza: will catch up with you soon..and i will hope that we still get to hang out hihi..

tin ablaza: huhuhu..sad wala ka na..

kimoy: course

tin ablaza: tin ablaza: okay, bai!

kimoy: nawww

kimoy: bai!

harhar. wala. tinatamad na ko magpalit ng address. later na lang. sige read all you want. i know im so such a softie inside. erg. just dont tell my secret romantic frustrations to whomever. its really embarassing. im such a hopeless back then...

anyhows back to moi....

i just realized that whenever i bumped into someone in UP, our conversation would always end up having my shifting in it. i mean, i have basically told everyone that im shifting when im not even sure if the college of science is really going to accept me in. i have yet to find out on the second monday of may, and gawd, geez im so into the assuming. ok will stop telling everyone that im shifting.

and the medschool stuff. erg. i have basically disseminated the fact to everyone. and im not even sure if we had the financial strength to land me into medschool, nor the intellectual capacity to get right into it, and ive been babbling loud like im a medstudent already. darn. i have such a big mouth. will stop speaking about medschool.

i have realized that my blog had been sounding so much like a periodic table. i have let's tag to fortify this assumption. haay. chem is taking a toll on me. the part of my brain allotted to chem and the sciences have expanded and taken over the other parts that include econ, social science, anthropology, and the like. i just hope i retain my creative writing faculties, and my geography, and journalism, and music, and the arts... ?

erm. yun lang. it's already dusk. and this is my second entry for today. i actually have an idea: i want to print all my entries here, and compile it into a book. i wonder who finds it interesting to read. me and my pathetic-hopelessly-romantic-geeky-half-intellectual-half-party-animal-jaded-depressive self. maybe my mum would find it interesting. maybe she'll get any idea why i so wanted to get into medschool, or why i am irrationally afraid of spiders, or why i eat too much and remain my ectomorph self. hermmm, will need a lot of dosh for the printing. and my book will be entitled:

THE BIOGRAPHY OF KENETH THE KING

or maybe

CONFESSIONS OF AN ECTOMORPH

nahh, very little confessions on the earlier parts, ah!

THE HIGHWAYS AND BIWAYS OF THE LIFE OF A PARTY PLATYPUS

nyerk. that's kinda like defeating my definition of myself. im not a party platypus.

will settle with this for now...:

THE GATEWAY TO THE MULTIFACETED...

-yar-

Chewbacca Blah

yehey! we were dismissed early today by our new prof. (ma'am lim was back to her province because her granma died and she wont be back until tuesday)... hay, i just realized that we were the most unfortunate people to take chem16 this summer because both our profs are difficult profs. all the other chem teachers are laid back and cool. ours are tight. and strict and demanding... erf.

oh well. maybe that tells why we had relatively higher scores during the first exam.

hrm... boring...

i wanna get a haircut. i noticed my hair is getting bushy around my ears... a few more weeks and id start looking like chewbacca. with hairless face of course.

chewbacca is blonde, isnt he?

la la la la la. im so blank today. maybe my brain needs oxygen to function. will walk to xbr. get my monitor fixed. darn monitor. buggy.

-ugh-

Crazy Graphing

ok. i forgot that i have already passed my pre-lab for chem lab so i dont have much to do tonight. i have an assignment though, which is to list the melting and boiling points of the first 20 elements on the periodic table, and then graph them. eh erg. how do you graph (cram) a range of +3000 degrees Celsius into a sixteenth part of a bond paper? sure this is a test of some skills yar man...

why do people have to speak too much. there's this one classmate from chem16 who told me she finds me cute (like her brother... ??), and after that i started to view her in a very different way the first time i ever regarded her. it always changes, when someone tells you you stand out of the crowd because someone finds you cute, or someone thinks you look like someone's brother, or someone thinks you look like the burger munching model on the commercial... basta, i cant explain it the way i want to explain it because, erm, you know how people think these days. once you said something to flatter yourself, they'd label you a feeler. hrm. what am i saying. argh.

basta it's like the way i started to feel when sarsi told me that tin (higher batch) always stared at me during accounting class. or when tin (friend) went gaga over teasing me with this whiny ignoramus from cwts. or when ayen started matchmaking with me and an overly pathetic jologs depressive from my batch. erg... get me?

haay. anyhows...

graphing is still a problem. maybe that's why i dont see myself being an economists, because economists do graphs all their lives. i dont really know how much patience i have for constructing graphs, all i know is that an x-axis, a y-axis, calibrations, and the points are all i need. no more z-axes, utterly redundant labels, and luxurious titles. at ung iba may kulay pa. hlf...

whats the life in graphs? i cant see the money IN graphs...

i see the money in frogs, in laboratories, in a hospital... yehh... schlewp *drools* speaking of medschool (?), im dreaming of the specialization i would take if ever i graduate from medschool. pediatrics is my number one option. well cardio used to be on top, but after what one of my friends said about how someone could die in you own hands if you were taking care of their hearts, well, it would be number now... and number three is... herm, the dream of all the male medical doctors in the world: OB-GYN!! haha!

ok that was a joke.

will go take a shower. its extremely hot these past few days.

-at standard temperature and pressure, hydrogen's boiling point is 20.28K-

Quantum Barfbarf

erf. tackled quantum mechanics today. wuhuhu. yesterday we were in thermochem. now we're quantifying quantum numbers? fuck. sabi ni ma'am, kami daw may kasalanan kasi sinummer namin. erg.

mam lim: "ok kau, write on the board the quantum number set of lanthanum..."

mephisto: "ma'am, ano ko? Deep Blue Computer??"

arghhh... principal, azimuthal, magnetic, spin, principal, azimuthal, magnetic, spin, principal, azimuthal, magnetic, spin, magnetic, spin, spin, spin, spin...

spinning is head my.

will cut my fingernails. but im not good at it, lar. bahala na. ive been cutting my nails improperly for the past 15 years of my life. haay. kelan kaya ako magiging expert...

light has two natures... parang si jesus... ?

-blah-

Cloud Five

ok this is gonna be meat-packed. im totally out of time. redox calorimetry enthalpy entropy gibbs whatever law, name it, i have it in my mind and it calls for some organizing... anyways. to my high school classmates, my monitor is still not working so the photos from my camphone are still unuploaded. i have yet to decide wether to fix my monitor, or trash it, and the 6 years ive been with it... so. inspiration please...

tin - your world doesn't revolve around me, so move on. its the best way out. i know its painful, but hey, we'll constantly see each other, and maybe we'd be able to spend more time when we reach the end of this treacherous road. so cheer up. im not going anywhere far. i myself hate being left behind, but dont think like it's what's gonna happen. im just 5 buildings away from econ. who knows, we might even spend all our free times together... so cheer up! lets face the remaining years of college with a smile on the face. you know what else i have to say...

ayen - read above. haha.

sarsi and vida - thanks for the very good company. i fancy myself more intelligent after my two years in econ because of y'all.

aryt that it bai.

-cant breathe-

Trois Jours

wihee! happy happy weekend.

spent saturday at rosario, batangas. today is rosario's town fiesta. im missing all the fun and the food because i have to come back here at qc for my ever beloved chem16. erf. they're making my favorite rural food called puchero. sarap. its dalicious.

this weekend is a blast. first i pigged out again after a week of lunch-void school. then i got hounded by frenzying girls who thought i was some whoever. then went to one of my highschool classmates debut party, lots of photos, and food! wee. photos still to come. u see my cpu has already been fixed but now, it's my monitor that's bugging out. ayaw mabuhay. erg. as ayen says, time to buy a new one. but i dunno where. i want a very cheap one because i dont really want to invest much on high-ended monitors like the ones i see on tv, the flat screens, the lcd whatever...

hay. now everyone in my class is adult. i wonder what we're going to be up to now that we can practice legal stuff. hmm... ?. ewan. ang masasabi ko lang, it was nice hanging out with the people whom you shared highschool with. back at el grande (the resort where the debut was held), we were lounging at the quasi-hotel rooms and i was lying on my back in one of their comfy beds and i felt like my heart was swelling when i heard the voices of my highschool classmates, the usual voices you hear every morning at lasalle high, in their casual batangueño accent, resounding at the corridors as they talked of whateverthings we have already talked about back in highschool.. its just... uh... and the card games, and niña's fortune telling, haha. it was all fun.

i cant wait for the photos!

people didn't party hard! erf. during the party, it seems like only me and ayen and niña can really strut. everyone else is a party platypus. haha! hmmm, look who's talking... no but really. tickle is just lying. im not a party platypus. some other people are...

watched pbb teen edition. the new guy is as cocky as a dick. ?. haha. pbb is good. it gives me a study of the filipino people. some filipinos are just so full of themselves.

ok. more thermochemistry tomorrow. back to the pains and glories of college life. haay.

-so little time-