Birthday

Halla!!

Woah, It’s been a while since last post!! I’m now back in QC after spending a week in Lipa, and I’m sure me’s gonna miss my home. Oh well, let’s get started!!

Days before my birthday (May 28 – yeba!!), I met with Homer for my next session of botox injections for my palmar hyperhidrosis. So we went to Homer’s clinic and waited for minutes until the refrigerated botox turns liquid. Then Homer went on with his business, injecting the toxin on two spots of each palms… Everything went A-ok, and Homer was chatting with my mum and ninang, when suddenly, I felt a strange swelling inside my stomach – something that made me feel like puking... Then I had this slight light-headedness, and it continued until my whole body burned like hell, and guess what… I FAINTED!! Yeah… Embarrassing was the right word to put it, but I think I had a reaction to the botox. So I fell to oblivion, and the moment I woke up, I was in a stretcher-sofa in Homer’s lounge, three electric fans aimed at me, and a lot of faces blocking the light high up… Geez, think of fainting… That was the very first time in history that I fainted due to injections – that was actually my first time to ever faint!!

Haha, funny experience. Ganun pala pag nahihimatay. I haven’t told Homer that I’m afraid of injections, along with spiders, sharks, and being surrounded by manic homosexuals. Now I have something to bully me… Nyaha!

Then Carrie Underwood became the newest American Idol… I was expecting Bo to cop the title but Fate has her ways. Maybe Carrie won because she resembles Kelly Clarkson at some angles… Yeah whatever.

Then it was my birthday!! After a year well yes, it was my birthday again (??) and I’m very happy about it because I have arranged to meet Aizel and Darryl in the afternoon to celebrate my passage to adulthood! Of course, what could be more happier than to spend your day with your bestest buds?? At one point in the morning though, I was dreaming something like someone who’d surprise me and throw a surprise party at me, complete with birthday cards and surprise gifts and surprise people (??), just as what some of my classmates had done to their someones which I happen to have participated… But then I realized that that is a very far-fetched idea for someone who doesn’t even have a best friend… Oh man, I’m cryin now *sob* *sob*, bwaha, no time to cry! Anyways, so Aizel and Darryl and I met at Mcdo LaSalle and ate first before we roamed Robinson’s Place in search of Aizel’s newest prospected phone. Yeah, she lost hers too, and now she’s opening her options to a lot of Nokia phones. In the end, we narrowed it down to Nokia 7260 and Nokia 6230i and the other foldable Nokia phones…

Then we watched “The Wedding Date”, a romantic comedy fit for revengeful women who seem to be getting too deep in their quest to violently claim back their ex-es. It was funny, and it has a little bit of hot scenes, and I enjoyed it. I actually have a picture in my phone of Durmot and Debra kissing. Yeah it’s illegal, but the guard didn’t ask if we were carrying camera phones in the first place… Not my fault.

After the theater house, we went window shopping again. Aizel checked out the youngster’s stuff (always the one who never grows = Aizel) at the department store while Darryl went to the clothing lines. Yeah, Darryl’s never lacking in the field of garbology and fashion and style. You know sometimes I get envious of Darryl because he has this almost ripped physique that always went good with clothes, and he’s never had a hard time trying to find something that would fit, because with his body, everything seems fine… You’ve got to see him Torian; he stands 5’9, sports a bit of tan, and has spikes as hair. He’s a complete fashion bum, and a LaSallista by heart.

Anyways, we capped up my birthday celebration by taking photos through my cam phone and developing it in a weird machine that creates pictures retrieved via Bluetooth. Then we went home, and mum was supposed to buy me my favorite ice cream when she realized that she doesn’t know what my favorite ice cream is. So we ended up eating the night out with lots of different kinds of chicken instead.

By the way, classmates are almost forcing me to treat them somewhere. Oh well, I don’t have the money to treat anyone in some classy restaurant or whatever. I hope they understand. I’ll bawi next time. As if there’s a next time?? We’ll see.

Nevertheless, thanks to everyone who remembered my special day: Dittle, Det, Sarsi, Ayen, Linnie, Injoy, Pia, Danazart, Lique, Famae, Albee, Mum, Jejo, Ace, Niña, Ninang Lali, Tya Indak, Ann, the rest, the remaining, and the et cetera… Thanks! And to ***, thanks for making my day complete. Hehe, now they know I’m adult and can be independent and can be put in jail and can go to bars and can watch R-18 movies and can court or get courted and can love legally. Yeah!

So that’s it. Not much had happened since my birthday. We went to Mavalor’s town fiesta in Rosario, went to Nanay’s house only to find out that she’s thinner than ever… Oh well, the life that was never exposed to the powers of medicine – granma is now consulting quacks for pain relief. Yeah man, it sounds pathetic and very false, and who knows what the repercussions are – I mean, quacks are so not scientific, and their ways can sometimes kill… Yeah, talk about it next time…

Now, I’m wondering why Jejo hasn’t arrived yet… We’re supposed to plan dinner now…

Check ya later Torian!

-wondering-

Unlucky

Blugguugg…

Had my Stat101 final exam and I totally sucked man. I believe I’m retaking Stat101 next sem.

*I Could not Ask for More – Edwin McCain*

So, me’s depressed again, as always. I can’t pig out because my allowance is plunging to extreme depths. Haay…

Ugh, I’m really disappointed of my performance in the final exam of Stat. Kasi, today is not a good day. I’m lacking of sleep because of the wretched mosquitoes, my heart is aching, hyperhidrosis is back again, and I’m having the worse headache since last week. Dammit!!

*I’ll leave my fears behind,
Cause tonight I’ll be right at your side…*

Champ is a lucky man.

-unlucky-

Random

Holla!!

I’ve been back from Lipa – tomorrow is my final day of summer classes, making way for my final examination in Stat 101. I haven’t studied thoroughly yet though; my sabotaged and nearly destroyed Stat 101 manual always gives me this foreboding that I’m not gonna study anymore...

Lipa is absolutely cooler than QC. I love it there.

Mum has an adopted son named Rexson… Rexson is 19 years old. Rexson is Lester’s associate in their lean-to business in Malvar. Rexson calls mum “Mame…” I have a new brother.

My mortal enemy’s wife became a very rich girl last month… Well, they really were – ever since she was born…

Diana Rose Henry was the daughter of Evelyn Henry and her husband (??) Mr. Henry. She has three siblings, two biological and one adopted. Her family was a high-ended clan; Mr. Henry, an American citizen, is the owner of Baguio’s richest mining company – Benguet Mining Corporation… So, they were very rich since the family started but everything ended when Mr. Henry died of surgical misconduct. Then they plunged to poverty: financially and emotionally. Their assets were a meaty bulk that cannot be liquefied easily so they have to wait. Their extended family, on the Henry’s side, were the old school sinisters who chased one around because of their money… So… Blahblah, everything follows, until they found a way to dispose their land asset to a Korean investor. And now, they are rich…

And because of that, my mortal enemy finally moved out of our house and abided by his wife, the rich girl from the Baguio Mounts.

My last news about them was that they bought this silver Starex recently, and my mortal enemy was never lacking of brandishing it everywhere. ?? Hello, the guts of the hugest bum I’ve ever met… Whatever, I’m still sure that his Starex cannot lift him from the financial and INTELLECTUAL poverty that he is experiencing now – and forever.

Now my mortal enemy is planning to buy a car, because the SUV is a very huge and inconvenient vehicle to ride downtown… ?? THE NERVE!! Shit lah…

Mister donut’s munchkins are the best munchkins I’ve ever laid my teeth on… Yummy!!

Ryan Sabaybay won the StarDance Competition in ABSCBN. Good for him, and I’m proud for him because he is also a Lipeño like me…

ABSCBN’s new talents from the first season of The Search for a Star in a Million is a no no match against GMA’s Pinoy Pop Superstar’s finalists… Wala lang. No match, man… Jerome sucks along with his smugly face!

I saw the most beautiful women in the world for me yesterday at tv… Guess who…

*drum roll*

The Olsen Twins!! Yeah right Torian, my tastes are changing from the tanned olive skins to the blonde beauties. Well, it’s just a crush, and my 17 years of maturity (??) is telling me that it’s normal. Anyways, Ashley and MK are the most gorgeous creatures I’ve ever seen. They’ve got the essence of being woman, and they always got my hots on… Man… If only I was in Parent Trap…

And oh, I like the unevenness of their teeth... Have I ever told you that I have fetishes on glassy eyes and arranged uneven teeth?

I saw Jenny Hernandez too. She is very beautiful too, as a whole package. Cute front. Cute back. Cute face, what more can you ask for?

My classmate in highschool is having her moments again in our ygroup. Her stubbornness is drilling on me that I'm having false sympathies on her. I not being mean or something but why can't she get over it? Her opening up in our ygroup is very immature, I may say. Hey - dis my blog. Hay naku, she says she's getting tired of being fed up the same counseling, oh well. Honey, that's the system. One cry, one counsels. And it goes over and over again.

Now what bothers me is why she can't move on. I mean, man, I had my moments too, almost everytime I went out of my haven. Yet I'm not being hey-I-want-some-affection boy or anything to that effect. I'm trying very hard to mask my moments and now my highschool classmates sounds like she's seeking unfair appreciation - something that when given would make a void from the giver. Aoh man... Me again.

Hey, I've been digging this blog of someone since last week and you know what, I think I'm getting myself too deep in her profiles that I'm really into her that I feel like I'm fallin in love or something?? Whatever man, I suck, yeah, hell lots. The girl doesn't even know I exist! Yeah, whatever, this is shit. Can someone actually fall for someone who's just writing... AAAAHHH!!

Someone's got to answer me... Well, after my random thoughts have settled.

That for now, gotsa buy shampoo and food.

-random-

Starting

Yoha!

No Stat 101 today. We had volleyball competitions with the all-boast-professional-volleyball-demeanor Volleyball Class Summer of 2003 though, and it was one of my conditionally best plays ever (I’ve been committing errors though).

Mmmm… I’ve got nothing to do. Good news, hyperhidrosis is temporarily gone. Hay, it feels good not to sweat.

I’ve been listening to Hale’s Broken Sonnet since yesterday. Ugh, I’m falling in love to a song again. Abnormal me. Sometimes I doubt myself if I’m really human, or subhuman, or worse, not human at all. And you know what; me’s also scared of myself – or for myself – because I think I’m having a psychosomatic disease or something. Remember what I told you earlier, about the attention-deficit syndrome thing? Well guess what, yesterday, I cracked into two when I realized that I placed plastic bags inside the refrigerator… ? …. Aoh… Well… Instead of putting them inside the cabinet where we usually put them.

Are you doubting too, Torian??

Then I was walking around the house like hell yesterday, and when I looked down, guess what man, I wasn’t in my own flips… Instead, I was using my roommate’s slippers… (??) Pretty scarrry…

Then I have this thing on entering doors designated for other things like the women’s wash room or whatever things. I’m totally fucking off.

Well, at least I’m still sane (I think I’m schizophrenic though). Akkkkk!!

Hey, there were some sortta funny messages from our ygroup and I quoted some of them:

Political Correctness For Teenagers

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from
"rebellious follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. He's
"vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're
"conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just
"abundantly verbal."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's
"digestively challenging."

http://www.getty.edu/education/teacherartexchange/archive/Aug00/1161.html

Haha, really funny...

Updated my phones calendar. I got my most beloved high school classmates’ birth dates from our ygroup. I’m so stupid, I pressed something on my phone and suddenly everything was gone, including all the messages, videos, and images, so it’s like starting all over again.

Famae is a corny jokes compendium… I’ve been milking her messages yesterday pero un nga, stupid me, I deleted everything.

I had only 6.5 hours of sleep because mosquitoes kept on sucking me. Now those mosquitoes are scaring me too, because they always bite me and not Jejo. Every morning, I wake up full of mosquito bites while Jejo’s skin is as flawless as ever. Hmmm… I smell something really fishy, more like mosquito-y… Bzzzzz…

Hmmm, what could other people be doing right now?? Pia offered to watch the last installation of Star Wars with me last time, but again, I rejected her proposal. Sometimes I’m thinking like it was me who was not giving everyone a chance to befriend me. Well, I dunno. Maybe trauma. Kasi there are those who’re not really into being friends only… like **** ******** - ugh, that scheming bitch; some go down to intimate somewheres and I end up being like abused? Or exploited? Then they develop grudges, so I leave, then they haunt… Rahh… Whatever blabbers…

Am I not giving them a chance? Am I bitter or something? Hey, I approved Lags’ friendster invitation just seconds ago…

Baaaah…

I need some fresh air. And a new lifestyle. Or better yet, a new life… But it’s hard to start all over again.

-starting-

Intimidated

Ya...

Exam #3 is over finally, but it totally sucked man. Exam number two was a stomper, got 42.5 out of 65 - really menacingly low score. Exam three is worse, all were answered out of sheer guesswork (??)... Man, I'm flunking Stat101 dammit! I don't want to retake this again, but I can't seem to understand a whit of it. Shiaz, everything is pissing me off.

Good thing hyperhidrosis is not attacking my nerves... I've been dry since yesterday night.

Today is a no-volleyball-lesson day, so classmate in volleyball named Jayson is inviting us to meet at gym and discuss things bout anything not related to vball. Bonding session... Jay kept on texting, like as if I'm coming. That social butterfly, been boasting that he hooks with celebrities like Christian B and Jay-R all the time. Like what is he - a talent scout? Can talent scouts search for talents in the UPD gym while playing vball at the same time? Shit lah...

Me is really intimidated with classmates in Stat101. It's as if they're Stat101 Incarnates and I'm dimwit-needing-to-drop-Stat101-na... Argghhh!! Why do I have to be intimidated all the time! At home, at school, at the streets near Chiggy's... Basically everywhere, and it carries on like it's ghosting me or something!

I've been fondling my hair for the longest time now. It's just now that I realize that my hair is very soft and downy... Like a baby's HAHA!!

Haay, what do I do now?? No Stat 101 anymore until Monday. Maybe I'll watch cheesy movie to relieve my rotting mind. See ya later...

-depleted-

6670

Hey!

Me’s been to Lipa yesterdays and mom bought me new phone. It’s not my dream 6822 though – they say the phone was phased out months ago… So she bought me a big phone instead. 6670… Looks like 7610. Whatever.

I’m kinda bano with the video capturing feature of ma new phone. I’ve been creating a fool out of myself since we bought it, and it was fun, man – I’ve gots to capture myself in streams! Yeba!!

The package is incomplete though, kasi the PC Suite is missing, so I can’t deposit my photos to my computer. Well shiaz, who cares bout relaying it in pc This 6670 Imaging phone’s equipped with a memory card that would go until I’m no longer bano with the stuff. Man, this is awesome!
Jejo went out; his girl fetched him and they’ll eat somewhere…

It’s freakin hot in herre! Man, this is serious; the temperature during midday can tip to body temp! Good thing the climate in Lipa is not as worse as here in QC…

Danazart doesn’t know my new number…

Ayen and Sarsi and the rest and me had a lunch out at beach house. It was damn hot, sweat's trickling all over man. Shit lah, twas cool nonetheless. Ayen and the rest kept on teasing me and Sarsi though, yeah whatever man. Sarsi's a beautiful lady, but she's just not my type... ??

No densing here, just really not gonna happen. Sarsi doesn't even like me... I dunno man, the devious works of Ayen and her comrades. But, well, who knows. Shiaz, still not happening.

Ayen sent me lotsa photos from our outing in Laiya, bad thing I don't have my PC Suite cd to relay the photos here. Maybe next time...

I hope ma friends send me quotes. I wanna see lotsa them. Gotta up my folders…

Hey, I’ve gots some work to do. My calendar is so empty, I need to check out ygroup and retrieve birthday files… See ya round!!

-phoned-

Dreams

Bluggug... Blogging again.

Someone told me my blog has very poor layout... Well, his is worse.

I'd been through the toughest exam in Stat 101, and I'd be damned if I ever get a perfect score. Get real, man... Stop dreaming. Uno's are not in my vocabulary. Uno's are for Brylle's and Rachel's and Jomie's.

KFC is getting my nerves wacked. Stupid staff, too stupid to function. I asked for water and they give me a glass full of ice. Tanga. What? Do I wait until the ice melts down before drinking it? Damn annoying.

Gots nothin to do. Exam number 2's done, no volleyball game today. We officiated, I was line man. Did a great job by looking avidly at the lifeless lines. Gym is hot, so I was standing there, stooping down, sweat and all. Good thing I got my handy fan. But hiaz, day is so hot. Stupid temp - my classmates received text messages saying today will be a 42 degrees Celsius day. I'd be damned.

Volleyball classmate is acting like he's gay. Always behind me, goes wherever I go. He intentionally volunteered for Ball Retriever because BR's are always near lines men. Touchy lizard, always tryin to get some small talk like: "pumasok ba?", "grabe it's so hot in here...", "Akin na yung bola mo..." Tangina. Is it just me, or do you find his dialogue too gay too? Kept mouth shut but my nerves are protruding. Scheming fag, I'll kill him once he touches me.

Man, I'm bored. But I'm not studying. There's plenty of time for it tomorrow. I wonder what phone mom bought me. Me told her that I wanted something like a Nokia 6822 or anything more fresh than that, but lah I know mom goes for the cheap ones. No more hope for Nokia 6680.

Had wet dreams since yesterday, shit lah. When do they stop? I'm already 17, and fluid still keeps comin. Gurls do the body fluid stuff, nothing for boys. But this is real man; I find it eeky. I wonder how much semen I discharged yesternight. Damn funny, good thing it doesn't stink. Man... Good thing Jejo doesn't find my shorts blotted with a lot of alien wettings.

Gotta go home now. It's only tuesday, can't wait for Friday. Can't wait for my new phone.

-wet-

Slipping

Hey.

Today was my wettest session in volleyball. We had a game with another team (There are three teams in our section), and fortunately we won. It was enjoyable, because I was shouting the loudest my lungs could give me, and me was jumpy and smiling and clapping all the time. I was so noisy, maybe the other team got distracted, and gave us the win...

The first win!

Yeah.

Well, not really happy for it. I've got other things in mind.

I just ate in KFC (what's new?), and me got to be seated in the midst of lovers wasting time in lovely romance - you know, caressing, giggling, story-telling, confessing love, and everything else that homes to that. Eavesdropping was the last nature in me so I'm not proficient in the stuff, although this time, I heard how lovers talked...

Soft.

Gentle.

Sweet.

And they could talk everything. From hardships to luck, from tearful nights to happy moments, from terrifying ex-es to new lives... Huff. I was kinda envious.

I need someone who could listen. Well, Nia somehow makes me feel special, but it sounds funny how I can talk like I'm her savior when I can't even save myself from something. Nevertheless, I will be consistent - I will love her like I loved all my other high school classmates. I will not put out the light that puts hope on her destroyed world. I will, I just will.

But this will is superficial; I can only imagine the hollowness inside it. I wish I can just be with Nia, and spend time happy. She is my closest match, in my opinion, because like me, she never dwells on "big life". She appreciates small things, and she has problems of her own. Hay, if only she can hear me right now.

I could be surrounded by an ocean of people yet feel like I'm still alone in my small and simple world, waiting for affection and care and appreciation. I could belong to others' circle of friends yet still feel like I'm not needed. I could blend in the surrounding like I'm but a puff of wind; always there, and always ignored. I could just be around, and yet doesn't make a presence.

I'm a commoner to my own world.

I remember this letter from Lian back in high school. Confessions of friendly love shared between me, her, Det, and Ana. For me, it was not just friendly love - it was Supreme Love... It was affection, a most longed for gift, a feeling that would always be welcome. But now, they've been in their own lives, I'm on my own, and I feel alone as ever.

Lian says: "You're a special person, and you'll always be a special part of me."

I say: "I need you now more than ever."

May God guide me through this. I'm aching now, I've never addressed this directly before. Now is the time Torian, to finally accept it, and make a solution for it. I'm depressed, badly, deeply, that it kills, slowly, and surely.

I'm slipping.

"I need you now more than ever."

-depressed-

Arid

Hello.

I hate this day!! The temperature is skin peeling... Yesterday, the temperature here in Quezon City reached 36 degrees Celsius - one degree shy of paralleling the normal human body temperature, so it's like you're skin-rubbing someone else's body all the time... Damn!!

I'm short of sleep, because of the heat. It's humid pa, so it really doesn't feel good to stay outside. Man, this is not called for.

Geez, I maybe so lucky to have the blankest mind – I sometimes just end up shutting up and getting lost in oblivion. I’m developing this Attention Deficit Syndrome… Hehe. I find myself pacing like hell inside the bathroom (??) Or I leave the toothpaste uncapped (??) Or I sleep during 4-5 in the afternoon and stay wide awake during midnight (??). And guess what, I also have this thing for entering doors… Twice I entered wrong doors, both were too embarrassing. The first one I entered my Stat 101 classroom when it was only 8:30 in the morning. My Stat 101 class starts at 10, and a class precedes us. So… Basically I entered the wrong session, and everyone from the class that precedes us were all silent hihi’s… Later that day, I felt frequent calls of nature… So I was always scampering towards the washroom, and in one instance, during that same day, I entered the washroom, but again, the wrong door. I instantly noticed the different layout of everything in the comfort room, and when I wheeled around, scribed at the huge door was a throbbing three letter word: “SHE”

Damn.

I’m no pervert; I just never knew where my feet carry me, until I’m on the wrong spot na...

I hope Norelle becomes the next American Top Model… She strikingly looks like Iya Villania - very cute.

-perspiring-

Apart

Ei…

It’s already 12:19 in the morning, and maybe I’m the earliest riser of the day here in the condo because basically I haven’t slept yet.

I was reviewing my dox in my computer, cleaning up files that are for trash bins, when I came across an email from Paula, our classmate from high school. She was talking about adjusting to her new life in Australia, her gimmicks, their moving in, her school, and her cute neighbors… I suddenly missed Paula, because she was the sincerest girl I’ve known. She laughs when she’s happy, she cries when she’s lonely, she speaks her mind… She never quits on what she started, she is headstrong, and very inspiring. Ugh, I really miss her, the times when were great friends during early high school, even before I knew Lian and Ana and Det, before I got Nia and Darryl as bestest buds, even before I developed lasting friendships with BB31 and BB42, there was Ruth, Paula, and me… We were very great friends, always making happy moments on otherwise tiresome moments of studying World Literature. Haay, I wonder when she’ll come back to the Philippines. I wanna spend some time with here in the near future. I hope it shall happen. Please, may God permit… I miss Paula.

I also miss Jueliene Javier, my very cute classmate during my freshman year in La Salle. Ugh, I really hate it when my friends go out of the country to stay there, not knowing when they’ll ever come back… I wonder what Jen is doing at this moment. They say she was now into hair dying when she was originally the ultra demure princess of shyness back in high school… What could Paula be doing at this moment? I hope she’s happy, and I hope she’s also thinking about going back to us again in the near future.

It just leaves me with this feeling of abandonment. Life is so complicated that it includes parting and farewells and long-distance communication… I hope God whispers to Paula and Jen and Edgy (who is in Italy), and tell them that we are so willing to hear from them because I, on my part, misses them tremendously.

Huff.

I especially miss Paula. The best laughter and taunts… Well, some things are just best kept secrets…

Oh God...

-cherishing-

Abyss

Yo!

It’s very noisy outside. It’s already 11:38 pm in my computer, and the road drillers are still busy destroying the ground for the installation of a new line of pipes. I’ve just watched American Idol, and now, I’ve nothing to do, and I can’t sleep, although I’m feeling tired and sleepy (??). Maybe tonight is one of my frequent emotional-instability-seizures-day. Well… Fine by me.

*I Surrender* I dunno what’s on this song, but “I Surrender” captured me, and I fell in love with it, to a point that I play the song at least once a day. The lyrics were captivating, the vocals were hard but can be sung along, and the overall feel of the song is so enthralling.

Nuff.

I wish mom buys me a good phone. When my very beloved phone got stolen, I was forced to use hers instead, and I’m having a hard time using a phone that is used by someone else because there were data inside that messes around mine, so it’s a hodgepodge. I’ve been surfing at Nokia’s website, and I want the new Nokia N90 photographer’s phone. It has two integrated megapixel cameras, and it has Bluetooth technology. It looks pretty advanced and it can store a lot of pictures… That’s why I want it. But it may only lie in my dreams because mum always told me that she couldn’t afford such luxury…

Hey, I found a Gnostic Bible in Aeon books, and I wanna buy it, but it is too expensive. The hard bound book costs an astonishing 2 thousand Philippine Pesos!! Basta, I want the book because I wanna know more about the gospel of Mary…

So much for my wants… I never really got them anyways, so why entertain the fascination??
Haay… I'm so not synchronizing with the world, with my age, with my mind and body… I can’t explain something stirring inside me, really weird. I’m feeling stagnant and wasted but I also feel something inside that is always there, waiting for the right time to get out of its shell… I AM waiting to get out of my shell… I wanna live a normal life, a life that you spend friends with, and not a life where your time is wasted reading books, thinking, nursing past wounds, replenishing depleted souls, spending time alone, crying, and desperately forcing one’s body to fit in. I wish I can just get outta here, and be in a world where I can spend my being, my talents, my capabilities… For now, I can only dream, and eat, and drink milk, and still disengage from society. Poor me…

The OFF! Spritzer that I just used while typing is irritating my nostrils… I wonder why I always get mosquito bites during nighttime while my roommate never gets an itch… Maybe my skin is delicious and his is not. Haha!

My eyes are drooping…

*Bring Me to Life – Evanescence* One of my favorite artists, Evanescence has a voice that coincides with my inner screams. I like the way they put they’re lyrics over melodies - very gothic but very well-read.

My eyes are closed…

I need a cuddle. I need to be touched. I feel like I’m lacking some touch therapy that I feel so alone and so unwanted. Yeah, unwanted. I feel very out of place. Do people miss me? Heaven knows if my favorite people (high school classmates) are missing me right now… This wish is far-fetched. Who would miss a loner, an anti-social, a “docile” imbecile, a loveless spectre, a shadow? I don’t feel special enough to capture the attention of people. My friends are very random, and my only permanent circle of friends are my high school classmates who I cannot see right now. I’m gaining friends, in my Volleyball sessions, my Stat101 classes, but I want to have people around me. Some ones who would laugh with me, cry with me, be with me all the time, and catch me when I fall. In short… I WANNA HAVE A BEST FRIEND.

I’ve none. The last Best Friend that I considered was Lian, Ana, and Det, all of which are out of sight right now.

*Broken – Seether featuring Amy Lee* My favorite song. Reflects me, a broken piece of delicate porcelain. Huff… I’m living such a forsaken life, depleted of care and affection and appreciation and love. I need someone who’d hold me high and steal my pain. I NEED someone who will not feel right when I’ve gone away. I NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN TASTE MY TEARS…

-hurting-

Missing

Hi...

I miss my highschool classmates.

My volleyball sessions are really getting over me. My deltoids are so aching, and my body always trips near dehydration... Nevertheless, I'm not missing a thing - enjoy naman eh.

Ann (Ms. Kyla-look-alike) is fascinating me. This girl who is a foot shorter than me occassionally bursts into ritualistic dances and sometimes street dances in a manner so abandoned like there's no more tomorrow. And she is maputi pala, she's not dark.

Poor Leyn, she can't even get the ball over the net.

EJ is so funny and his jump-serve kuno.

Joel is deadly.

Ms. Escobar is an English-speaking Brent-native who plays volleyball very well.

Nuff.

Hayy. Life is boring - too short to experience everything.

I miss my highschool classmates. I wonder what they're doing right at this moment...

Ayen is surely at arms reach. I'm not seeing Niña around, maybe she's still mad at me. Abi and Mari may not be taking summer classes because I really don't see anything of them. Poor Jomie, her lola died days ago, maybe she's mourning. Lique is happy with Jejo, and Eeween is pretending to be happy with Grace. Edgy is very far from home. Ana is basking somewhere, Claudet is at home in Tanauan. Albee and Faye are collaborating on staying in Crescent where I also live. Leontine and Carla are also taking up high-ended Math summer classes in Ateneo. Kristel is I dunno where. Mihaela is preparing for recruitment (ABSCBN). Joseph might be studying in advance for the next sem (well, what's new?). Nia is struggling through personal problems - rumors about her father choosing Nia's stepmom Nadia instead of Nia, poor her. Ruth is slight gothic, and her bangles show. Kim might be playing basketball right now. Lemy might be messing something in his computer... I can just imagine he thick spectacles an inch away from the computer monitor. Grace is already in the country after spending some quality time in a first world country. Pauline is playing volleyball for the La Salle Taft Volleyball varsity. Darryl might be in a spa, taking care of his skin. Roxy might be at home – the homebody. Zara is spending some romantic moments with her boy toy. Gen might be singing for the UP Manila Chorale, and Babsie is so into her new circle of friends. Ann and Charm are into their academics…

Now some of my classmates who caught my attention recently:

Ice.

This girl is out of her mind. She claims to be into some sort of emotional instability, and she’s dwelling on it. Poor her, she doesn’t know how to move on. But for me, I think crying over heartaches are pretty petty and are so not deserving to be spent some time. They might have caused some pain in the heart but it’s not healthy to continually induce depression especially during this stage of adolescence. We are in a stage where bonding is an essential part of growing up, and dwelling too much in depression can create trauma or disorders. Girls should never cry too much over boys during terminal relationships… Well… I’m just speaking based on overview. Sino nga ba naman ako to speak such, when I’m not so knowledgeable of this stuff.

Len.

Len is so out of arms reach. I’m not saying like I’m holding grudges against her – in fact I’m happy for her because she’s into modeling na, but her status only leaves me with one conclusion… She’ll not find a hard time forgetting social commoners like her high school buddies like us. She’s now part of alta society, and I fear that she’s so up there that she can’t even see her way down. I’ve been to her blog once, and everything that I saw there was nothing in relation to a past that we shared… Well, sino na naman ba ako to demand being remembered? Wala lang, this is my blog so I’m speaking out my mind. Basta, I feel left out. I wish she still recognize me when I happen to trudge along her way of silk and silver.

Aizel.

Lost her cellphone… Haha, just like me. She also lost her 5 year old sim card and I know how it feels to lose such a big thing. Yeah – BIG. Kasi it already have SV – that is… Sentimental Valyu!! And losing it to thieves are so infuriating that I was: “Pucha naman, bakit hindi na lang cellphone ni Ayen ang ninakaw??” Harhar… Ayen kasi has a Nokia 6220 phone, and it is very technologically advanced… Hihi, peace Ayen!

Lian.

I’m not hearing anything from her. Wala lang. Just worried. I know she’s in safe hands abroad. Wala lang. I just miss one of my favorite girls. I miss JACk – the people who appreciates my innermost evils, the girls worth keeping until time passes me out. Hayy, I miss my girlfriends.

So much for now, Torian. I still have to address my aching trapezius.

My tummy is not flat anymore...

Man, I'm learning how to curse! Some of our plays in volleyball can be so engaging that I sometimes find myself bursting in *Fuck!*'s and *Tangina!*'s... Tsk, tsk, tsk... This is bad. This will provide mummy a reason not to buy me the Gnostic Bible, or a car, or a new cellphone... Delete!

-missing-

Singing

Teka!

I wanna sing-ti-ri-ring-ti-ri-ring...
A happy song-to-ro-rong-to-ro-rong
I want the best the best the best the best the best
Among the rest the rest the rest the rest the rest...

I love life!!

-serotonin-boosted-

Updated

Heya!

Now, it has been quite a while... It was my mom's birthday when I last updated you. What can I say?? Happy birthday to the one who reared me into this world... (As if she'll be able to read this???@#$ She can't even find her way to Microsoft Word...)

Hey, I've just finished reading Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code, and so far - it is the most intriguing, faith-shaking buster I've ever read! After reading the last line of the novel, I was like: "This is beautiful but I think I'm losing my faith..."

Fortunately, I'm still catholic, although the orthodox part of my Christianity is continually growing. Hey, I wouldn't really mind if Jesus and Mary Magdalene were making out... Well... It's quite out of context but I really don't care if Christ was too human to fall in love with a member of the female species. And it also doesn't bother me if Christ and Mary Magdalene brought forth a royal bloodline that exists until today. Da Vinci Code is a fiction, so I'm controlling myself from believing too much of the story, but it just makes me think that Brown had something else at the back of his mind which pushed him to write a very controversial bestseller.

Who knows, Brown might be a member of the Priory of Sion, finally finding out that now is the ripe time to unleash the secrets of the Lost Feminine.

Ewan...

Basta, I like the last few lines of the Da Vinci Code... Talks about Robert Langdon finally reaching the Holy Grail, finally surrendering to the Lost Feminine's bones, and talking about the Lost Feminine as the Wisdom of the Ages... The end.

What a conclusion...

I was also cherishing the times when my highschool pal Edgy was acting out this Pepin d'Heristal and Pepin ang Pandak in one of our History sessions... Who would have thought that at that time, he actually acted out a historical figure who belongs to the holy bloodline of Christ...

La lang.

I went back to Rosario last Friday to prepare for the annual town fiesta. There were a lot of food, cooks, people, children, children, children, babies. Ang cute ng pinsan ko, ang liit liit! He's already 6 but he's only two feet tall; his borther is already 2 but he doesn't differ much from a year old baby; and my other cousin Erica is such a babe. She's very cute!! I love kids... The harmless ones...

The town fiesta was very full of people.

I'm not missing next year's fiesta. It was such a blast.

Now I gotta study some Stat. Tomorrow is our first long exam and I still can't comprehend the meaning of the Coefficient of Variance and Measures of Dispersion... Gotta go!

-high-