Impediments

holy crap! all hell's breaking out!



i just realized that the sembreak is near but a lot of paperwork is impeding my way to full freedomfrom this cursed semester. 2 more papers for worthless and senseless and pointless cwts, 2 more credit hours for psych101, final reports for psych101, final exams on micro, socio10 (sir trinidad can go to hell right now...), macro, psych101, and for chrissake, geog1... Anaknampuch!

jesus help me...

tick tock tick tock - 11:20 at my clock. micro exam tomorrow and i haven't studied fully yet. yeah yeah what's new? i haven't learned anything from my first exam (which i almost flunked... 2.75 ba naman??) but it's aryt, im not running for anything naman. passing is what matters for me.

but still im nervous because i have not understood oligopoly quite well. dammit!

arghh, this is one of those times when i just can't resist but... feel so loveless??

how would it feel to hear from someone say "hey you can do it, just think positive."

because my mind is all negative now. i want to pig out but my allowance is... ugh, a hopeless case. im still having the numbing pain at my abdomen. darn, i think it's gots to do something with my urinary system. it's so painful, i wasn't able to walk from 7:00 to 8:00 this evening.

oh please. not now. if im gonna have one of my attacks of acute gastritis, then may the lord accept my soul in heaven as much as how he accepted st. peter's... too religious. im so not ready to die. not now, i have plenty of things to do. i haven't confessed my sins yet.

i just finished reading the "NOTES of the UNDERGROUND"... the mood - loveless-depressed-hoping-for-a-better-tomorrow tone. haay, the sembreak is near but i can't feel it coming. arghh, now it's raining. see, the heavens are crying with me.

*sigh* 11:24. i have to go back to micro. shit. i feel so ... dammit.

*sigh* *sigh* *sigh* *sigh* *sigh* *sigh* *sigh* *sigh* *sigh* *sigh* *sigh* *sigh* *sigh* *sigh*

i hope someone calls me or texts me or do something whatver. i need a hug. maybefor now, im hugging my pillow - the cheapest affection i could get from a world that's so cruel. yes, here i go again - i dunno but tonight is just so emo. if tonight is a song then it would be Everything by Lifehouse. *sigh* fuck today. i hope sleep brings me to a better world. somewhere i dont feel pain.

arghh, ouch, my abdomen's seizing me again.

oh god it hurts.

huff, id better log out. my inside is killing me. id better call it a day.

going to bed.

-pain-

Abandon

ouchhh... my abdomen is aching like hell! im feeling a bit lightheaded and im sweating profusely. arghhh, kanina pa to umaga. this is killing me!

no more socio10 class! yey! i can spend more time with abi at katag. yeeha!

i miss len. i wanna hug her now. len says we look alike... i say:





mejo nga noh? at a certain angle. sheez, i never thought i was so ugly... HAHA! jokers. len is pretty so that means im... pretty too?? huh?

wow, i just remembered our small talk at len's last thursday. lique was admirable. she admitted that at current circumstances, she'd marry jejo in full abandon. she said that in full surrender to the future that our premature minds never even dared to explore. i envy her. i hope i also had the love of my life so i can say such things...

ouch!! it still hurts - the abdomen. im feeling a bit sleepy now.

that it. gotta attend to other things.

-attend-

Lysol

huff bored...



what the hell is mum doing at the cooking area? she knows there are lots of rat poo there and there she is doing somethings hellish whatever.

ugh, mum is making me feel like im not a good house keeper. she's making lots of comments over our "dumpy unit". well i cant blame her. im 2 busy to pay attention to house. anyways, mum forced me to buy lysol and other household products to clean the unit up.

at least now we hav lysol disinfectant to disinfect the rat poo.

sheez. i still have a hangover because of last night's gathering. im sleepy all the time but at least my body clock is still good. wow, i love yesternight. i want another one like that this sembreak. sheez, i should have ****** *** *nst**d of ****. awww, i missed my opportunity. sayang.

mmm, i bought cellos from... cellos. two boxes. one box for mum and ninang and jejo, one box for me... yey!! indulge!

ok that it, im gonna pig out first.






-pigging-

DK

heya!

whoa, yesteday was one good blast!! fun fun time with high school friends - made me happy once again. yey! i loves bb42...

after macro, i met up with ayen and ninya and lynnie at gcm for Jomie's play Dulaang Kapiterya. but before we went to UP, we went to kfc first to eat. len came later, and we all went to UP after. we almost lost Aldaba if it were not for... i cant remember, who forced us to alight from jeep.




jump time!!

anyways... there were lots of freebies at the Dulaang Kapiterya. i especially indulged on the free cups of frapand free chocolatey whateverthings, and cds and posters, etc. the 100 was sulit. especially if u were wid high school friends. the play was so so good, and jomie was in it. she played the murdered Bella. twas goody goody!




eeek!!

the best bunch



the bb42 night society... owning the road huh?? well well, they are my favorite people. i could hang out late provided that they hang out wid me too... yey!





then we went to len's crib which is tyler's crib as well and let's and michelle's and francine's... we did lots of things like sing and dance and talk... i had a knack at domesticating tyler because he's such a shy dog. then more singing and eating and body shots. hay, syempre the small talk before we slept was what kept my heart pounding the rest of the evening. mmm... well, i dont want to mess whatever up. i thinks im happy where im now, and i hope she happy too.

well... i think that it. after night, me and leontine headed to katipunan to take a bath before we go to class - it's already 5:30 am, no time to sleep! i attended my class psych101, and strangely, i was ok. but after that, i cut a socio10 class because i felt too heavy to walk. so i went home to sleep. from 10:30 to 1:30. then volleyball, then now. huff...

i loves high school classmates! i hope christmas party is equally a blast!

-parteyy-

Feeler

blug.

grrr, i wasn't present at this morning's remedial class in macro. jejo went in the bathroom first and he didn't emerge from it until i was 10 minutes late of schedule. damn, sayang, i was supposed to copy notes because im extremely lagging behind in econ101. but because of my cousin who like slept inside the bathroom for more than 30 minutes, i was absent at the remedial... thank you thank you...

anyways, i completed my cdc's today. we played with kids and twas fun seeing them play volleyball and dodgeball and patintero at the sunken garden.





then cwts. we had groupings for payatas tutorials. my group consists of: me, bida, tin, sarsi, ayen, trina, joshua, aimee, kat, nikka, fatima, jj, daryl, michel, and jc... yey! our group was so kalog, im sure everything will be fun.





things to watch out for:
jj and trina's love affair...
jj's leadership efficiency (because he was elected as our leader)
me and my partner in crime's (ayen) ... crimes... hehe... we'll be such a headache.

but i dont think cwts is fun. i think it's boring...

and oh by the way... *change mood*

im just having sentiments over what people think of me. i think they think im such an airhead who's so full of myself that i think im the most appealing person in the world. well to everyone who thinks so, let me tell you this...

im just rejoicing over the fact that someone thinks i contain physical beauty at least. i mean cmon, who would not be proud of this thing. for 17 years i have never heard anybody say im likeable or whatver. i feel like people think that im too full of myself that me being told that im cute is almost sarcastic. im sorry if i feel proud for having me as body and face because for the whole span of my childhood i have never felt like people loved me. everyone made me feel like im ugly and weird and outlandish, and for the first 15 years of my life i have never felt like i deserve my being. so forgive me if im too joyful for being told that im cute, because for me, it really matters. it's not just spoiling, it's proving to me that im somehow likeable and that society doesn't reject me...

im just trying hard to fit in. something i never liked doing.

when we were out at the cdc, a kid asked ate ajean who i was. the kid asked ate ajean if i was her boyfriend, and she said im guwapo... and it did register in me greatly. i fear that being called guwapo is bad. because people will think of you like your such a feeler.

im not that good-looking anyways. that would be so stupid of me if 'id think so highly of myself.

-angry-

Photojourn1

my article for today is a photo journal of my break times in UP. i took photos and here they are:

September 19, 2005...


inasal!!

fit me in...

the brighter side of me

the middle always have a crisis

tugush ah!!

yieee! what am i doin down here?
by the way, i had a haircut!

-haircut-

Multiply

my multiply account is brimming with photos.

im so bano with my phone and its capabilities that i wasn't able to study for macro. geez, this will get me fired off econ! but the phone's really cool. really, now i can send the photos in my cell phone to my pc. all because of pc suite!! yeeha!


me and ma cousins.

mmm, ive gots some uploading to do. bya!

-uploads-

Suite

dammit!

psych exam was moved to tuesday!! argghh!! i studied until one in the morning the day before the exam. then prof moves exam to tuesday! so everything is just a waste of time for some good sleep...

but

well staying gave me time to talk to lots friends like ayen and lynnie and abi, and my new bestfriend.

arghfft!! exam in micro is on the 25th! i haven't read anything yet!

i hope sarsi posts the notes on time. i have a lot to read before i could catch up.

hey! it's cheerdance competition today! i hope UP wins! it's our last claim to UAAP excellence. then tonight, ecosoc will be holding its annual adhoc event... today's event is entitled Krunk Bustin, and there'll be lots people there, but unfortunately i cannot come because:
-i have lots of things to read
-i am anti-social
-i dunno where Club Halo is
-my back is still aching
-i want to stay home because mommy will be here

hmmm...

i finally found a pc suite software at the internet! im downloading it now... finally i can copy the photos in my celfone to the pc. yey!!

that it, have some downloading to do.

-download-

Strike

psych exam tomorrow!! nohoo...

i hope i pass this one. this is my ticket to the department of psych. go me!

jejo is already asleep. i'll sleep when the clock strikes 12.

listening to jason mraz' summer time. drinking milk. reading psych book. chatting wid len.

-happy-

Tutees

blug.

was back from mcdo. we went to payatas first and got a glimpse of the children who will be our "tutees"... haha.

then mcdo. we talked about lots things like who changed the most, who will be the next couple, who will get married first, etc. twas fun.

i love my highschool classmates. they the best pipz in the world.

im happy for no particular reason.

baha!! i feel so good.

-blush-

Christmasy

im starting to download chrismasy songs!! yey.

christmas is my favorite time of the year.

i want to see a christmas tree here in our unit. we have a 6 and a half footer bluish white christmas tree back in lipa, and i want to bring it here in qc. hehe.

i always liked that tree, becuase it is blue and white. bluish white. mum used to adorn it with blue lights and blue balls (??). she covers the feet of the tree with a red cloth that has santa in it. mmm. i cant wait for chrishmas!

i like nsync's rendition of "o holy night". its an a capella song, and their voices are wonderful. but i hate the guys - they are very out of trend. i like christina's version of "o holy night" too. very groovy.

i will download more...

-downloading-

No

no psych class.
no volleyball.
no more food in the cabinet.
no more allowance.
no more phone credits.
no love life.
no hope in acads.
no more clothes.
no best friend.
no bluetooth device.
no body fat.

nooohh!!

-roar-

Bum

whoa!

ive been surfing for five hours...

such a bum.

-bum-

Guinea

yey!

Econ101 was cancelled because of transpo strike. no class after micro.

hung out with tin and vida, played some volley. i was so dirty i have to change. felt uncomfy when i took the jeep to katips because i was so dirty and on my right was a very fair lady clad in white. uncomfy. on my left was another korean lady who was eyeing me constantly. i knew i was dirty...

now im at home. i have to take a bath, because im itching. im hungry too. its good that my appetite is back. now i can gain the pounds i lost last week. my back and butt and arms are still aching because of the schoolympics... lar!

ninya talked to me on the fone yesterday. she said she was finding a new friend in angie. she said they share common sentiments. i like angie too. she's pretty and she's nice - lethal combination. ninya complains about lack of love life. haha, love is a plague. lack of it is in everybody...

mmm...

signed up for psych101 experiments. they'll treat us like guinea pigs, haha, i hope they dont inject somethings lah.

i hate injections. eek...

i wanna be a doctor though. i want to use that thing u put in your ears then you listen to everybody's heart and tell them if its still beating the right way. hehe.

i wanna listen to my heart. i hope its still beating the right way.

bleh.

-doctor-

Schoolympics

Whew!

Got tired from the Schoolympics yesterday. I played volleyball for nothing...

I played patintero, then dodgeball with the conyo's, then footsal with the hulky juniors... damn, they were good at footsal. Syempre we (sophies) were too exhausted by then. i managed a goal though, but whats one goal compared to their five??

damn, now my muscles are aching. i thought i will never be able to walk again this morning. well eventually i did. but my butt's still growling in pain. and my back too.

grr, then i have to put some attention to acads because im failing. arghh, this semester is cursed.

why of all time do i have to be subdued by my hormones.

at least the schoolympics got my mind off certain unbearable things.

-aching-

Blank

shit...

i have to leave this behind.

-leaving-

Look

arghh!! lumulutang n nmn utak ko...

still cant get over it. me's beginning to have the bads of it. i cant focus at school, i cant eat properly, i cant get some good sleep. arghhh...

tomorrow is schoolympics. i hope by tomorrow im feeling better. i dont want to play when im feelilng sick something.

i saw len again kanina. haay, fate's so cruel. i dont want to see her muna nga for a week because i hurt whenever i see her. then i see her at katag. natameme n lng ako.

len is the one girl that i always wanted but will never be mine.

arghhh..

maybe i really need to look for My Bestfriend... someone who'd care for me, someone who i can talk to all the time without being intimadated or something.

heartaches are so destructive.

-heartache-

Saddest

These are the most painful words i'll ever read...:

im_len17: wait, pano kung ayaw ko pala?
t_keneth: ayaw mong ano
im_len17: ayaw kitang pabayaan
t_keneth: i can fend for myself
im_len17: aganon?
im_len17: kukulitin talaga kita ng kukulitin!
im_len17: hehe
t_keneth: its not fun anymore
im_len17: sorry..
im_len17: hmmm...
im_len17: kahit like kita?
t_keneth: ur only doing this to make me feel better
im_len17: hindi naman. i just thought youre just playing around kaya i didnt take you seriously. just now ko lang narealize na hindi
im_len17: cge ill give you tine, pero i want an assurance na after ng one week, everthings back to normal
t_keneth: sure
im_len17: no, i dont belive you
im_len17: no, i dont believe you
im_len17: kaya nga ayaw kita tigilan kasi i highly doubt it, na everything would be back to normal
t_keneth: i said i will try!
t_keneth: how can everything get back to normal if you dont give me time to forget this?!
im_len17: so, ibig sabhin nga most probably hinde na mababalik yung dati?
im_len17: ikaw kasi eh!!
t_keneth: o cge, i'll tell u my side]
im_len17: go
t_keneth: siguro nga we were close lately
t_keneth: and i gave you affection
t_keneth: you know during lynnie's birthday
t_keneth: we were side by side pa nga
t_keneth: un eh dahil i was hoping that we would end up having something
t_keneth: e ngaun n cnabi mo na that there's no chance na maging girlfriend kita
t_keneth: nag-aalinlangan ako na maging close ulit sau
im_len17: okay, fine, yeah, mashadong tempting yung nangyari last saturday. and i didnt expect you to be like that. pero, kasi you were asking too much from me KAGAD, hello, thats not easy, pero yeah, lets say, nagustuhan din naman kita, pero hello, parang ambilis naman kung tayo kagad. gets mo?? ang bilis naman kung girlfriend-boyfriend na kagad. no cguro, mali yung sinabi kong theres no chance. --yun nga ba talaga exact words ko?? hindi ko kaya sinabi yun!!
t_keneth: un nga, sorry nga if i hurried you. kaya nga we should put this behind
t_keneth: so leave me alone muna for a week
t_keneth: im not going anywhere naman eh
t_keneth: kng gusto mo ittxt p kta everynight
t_keneth: para lng close p dn tau
im_len17: cge whatever you say.
im_len17: bahala ka na nga.
im_len17: pero naiinis parin ako
t_keneth: sorry
im_len17: pero alam mo yun, gusto ko yung status natin just recently, yung were close and stuff, tapos you tell me secrets and everything..
im_len17: gusto ko lang mabalik yun..
t_keneth: mbblik nmn un eh
im_len17: i want a guy bestfriend..
t_keneth: but give me a week first
im_len17: sure ka?
im_len17: i doubt it
t_keneth: bkt b wla kng trust sakin?:
im_len17: eh ikaw na nagsabi sakin nag-aalinlangan kang makipagclose sakin ulit..
t_keneth: no
t_keneth: i mean siguro i cant be physically close
t_keneth: but i'll still listen to your secrets
t_keneth: and i'll tell you mine too
im_len17: e ayako nga ng ganon..basta gusto ko yung dati..
t_keneth: o cge cge
im_len17: sure ka kaya mo yung ibalik?
t_keneth: sure
im_len17: hay nako, sige bahala ka na nga..i guess nasabi at nagawa ko na lahat ng kaya kong gawin just to make things okay. well if it still didnt work out, then its over..
t_keneth: which is over?
im_len17: everything

-shit-

Over

huff...

i still feel down. i had this very hot discourse with len, and i think i hurt her. well i was hurt too, because she was so mean and she doesn't seem to feel the affection i gave her during lynnie's party.

i was so so hurt.

i had always been obsessed with len since i was in high school... now that i made a great leap forward of trying to make her feel that for me she's special, she turned me down.

i hadn't done anything, and here she is telling me that i had no chance or something. syempre what do i have to be in the ranks of her other boy friends? these boy friends would include people from xavier and san beda and other high-ended guys. yeah yeah, im a whit compared to them.

i made a big mistake. i shouldn't have hit it on len because our relationship should only have been platonic. its the kind of relationship i share with the rest of my high school classmates. and i broke it. i hope everyone can forgive me.

i told people that in the game that i and len should be playing, "ang una ma-inlove. talo..." it seems that i lost.

argghhh.. kaya pala i was feeling so so weird lately. i cant eat, i cant sleep properly, i cant even do anything nice. kasi i fell in love.

and in the span of 2 days, my love fell down to ruins.

its very hard for me.

len kept on repeating that IT's over... until now im still confused. maybe she finally ended any chance that i have to being her boyfriend. huff...

so be it.

well, i realize everything naman. i just have to convince myself that len is really not the one. maybe she deserves more affection, or someone better than me. and maybe i deserve some other girl - someone who would reciprocate the affection that have been oozing out from me.
i was just so stupid for shocking len. now i created a mess, and i dunno what to do to clean everything up.

-messed-

Len

a week is all i need...

-sorry-

Can't

i feel so weird.

i cant eat much, i cant do anything, i cant focus. my head is afloat, i cant talk much, i cant study. whats happening?

i feel so so weird. i cant even sleep but i feel tired. huff...

-tired-

Leontine

blug.

i feel so weak. i had quality time with high school classmates yesterday, we slept at leontine's place because it's her eighteenth birthday. we drank, ate lots and lots of food, talked about whatever things, watched movies (we didn't finish anything though), slept, sang, ate, ate, drank.

i was always in the hot seat, so my butt aches.

ninya said len should be my girlfriend for two weeks... haha, i cant imagine len having a boyfriend. well if im game, and una ma-inlove - talo! haha.

whats taking my lunch so long. the delivery service is late.

hey here it comes. gotta eat first.

-hungry-

Gayuma

whoa!!

tonight was awesome!!

aizel and kring visited us. we had dinner at gayuma and lynnie was there and abi and mari. i was so i happy i think i lost IT. haha! lar.

i was so so happy! when im wid my high school friends, i temporarily forget my problems and i take some time to rewind and breathe and laugh. now i realize how much i really need them. it's a need. i feel like im hooked to them. which is a good thing.

aizel is still the same old aizel. haha, one of my best buddies, she never fails to make me laugh. of course, we had a lot of photos - funny candid photos which i want to share to my other best buddy who failed to come. i want to make him jealous. haha, yar!

kring still does her massages... cool.

it was so goody goody of abi to still sticking to us even if her mum would be angry at her if she went home late. ahh, high school classmates are so so good.

then abi and leontine. i never knew i would actually enjoy time with leontine, u know, considering our past, which was a blur. well past is past. id better leave it there.

haay, lots of photos, lots of food, lots of irritating servers, lots of water, better than sex, etc. it was such a night!

tomorrow is the real celebration of leontine's birthday. until tomorrow!!

-excited-

Grandmother

... lola died 8:30 pm yesterday...

after almost 1 and a half years in paralysis, she finally let go. hmmm. im relieved. at least she doesn't have to suffer in pain anymore.

something's wrong with me. im not feeling anything. maybe the grief will seize me later. hhhhh.
---

-died-