Realizations

Hiya Torian!

Ang INIIIIT!! I can feel my skin peeling.

Hey, we moved out of the damned de Leon's boarding house. We can't imagine staying there during summer days; we'd be baked alive.

We moved to Golden Crescent Mansion; it's behind McDo Katipunan, beside Kostka School. Jejo (my cousin and still my roommate) is so excited and his attitude was very contagious. We were thinking the whole day, trying to put some interior design in the very vague room. Jejo's girlfriend was there to help, and the three of us spent the day arranging furnitures (as if there were many), organizing things, and putting life to the room.

Jejo was so afraid of the curtain-less windows that he proposed on putting metal chains on the catchers so no one would ever barge in.

Now, Jejo left for home yesterday, and I spent the day alone again. Nevertheless, I'm still enjoying the feel of the new home... Wippeeee!!

Now I can watch TV, and American Idol, and MYX, and news...

Hey!! I'm finally free!! My Calculus exam concluded my freshman's second semester in UP. I didn't do well in the exam but I'm happy because I finally got over it.

My HS classmates are planning to go to the beach on the 9th and 10th of April. Good idea.

I can't wait to see them again. I finally enrolled myself to Anti-Society by refusing any "18 candles" offer or by avoiding too crowded places like Chiggy's and Palma Hall. But I can't resist having some good time with my HS classmates. They deserve it, I deserve it; besides, they're not society, they are life.

Last night, I was alone, listening to acoustic music over the radio.

And guess what.

I cried myself to sleep. Like a baby orphaned to the cold summer night.

I thought of many things...

I realized that I'm sticking to Anger Management because I didn't to get into any trouble again.
I realized that Jejo is a very practical companion.
I realized that I'd never go wrong if I'd be myself.
I realized that eating too much canned goods is dangerous - I can't breathe properly until now. Maybe because of the cholesterol.
I realized that living in Quezon City is very expensive, so I'm thankful that I decided to study in UP instead of the Ateneo.
I realized that even though I can't fit in easily in UP society, it's harder to fit in the Atenean realm.
I realized that I'm not in love anymore.
I realized that I'm a very beautiful person. SOMEONE always made me know how ugly I am physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, but I realized that he is just so full of himself and his definition of beauty is very narrow.
I realized that you don't have to be good-looking to be good. One have to be someone who can make someone smile to be good.
I realized that girls are very superficial. They always wanted to impress. But I'm no Chauvinist.
I realized that not all girls are superficial. There are those girls who are very simple yet I find them beautiful. They're those who didn't even try, but made an impression on me that's very beautiful.
Ironically, I realized that I badly need a girlfriend. When I saw how Jejo and Angelica faced the world holding each others hands for support, I thought I'd do better if someone's holding my hand too.
I realized that the mirror is so fake.
I realized that music is integral, not only to me, but to a lot of people.
I realized that I'm living my life very unproductively.
I realized that I need someone to talk to, aside from Jejo and my family. Someone.
I realized that that someone is very ideal that she can't even be true.
That's why I realized that I'm not in love anymore.
Damn...

When I finally closed my eyes, I felt someone's hand crawl to my torso. A Jasmine scent filled the air. I whirled around, tried to catch a glimpse of who it was, but it was too dark to determine the intruder so I closed my eyes again. But I did not feel intrusion in the purest aspect of it. That someone carressed my body, and it squirmed beside me. I felt cold flowing hair all around, realizing that it was a she. I snuggled back, and locked her in a possessive embrace. When she stopped moving, I opened my eyes. And there she was, so real. I saw her again, now in my dreams. I always saw her in a Harvard-patterned building in the university but now she's in my bed, hugging me. Not believing the sight, I closed my eyes for the third time. But when I opened them again - there, where ******* had once been snuggling me, slumped my fluffy pillow, etched with the recesses from the pressure of my hands. I woke up beaded with sweat and my heart was pounding frantically inside my chest. I looked around but there was nothing but bright moonbeams peeking through a small crack in the window.

Damn...

Gotta go home. I'll fetch my stuff first at the Mansion and buy my cousin a gift... She graduated with second honorable mentions and I'm really proud of her.

Check on you later...

-breathing-

Timeless

Hey!

Nothing to say, not much time.

We moved yesterday to new unit! Thank God.

Torian, gotta go.

See ya when I have more time!

-tired-

Extensive

Heya...

I wish I'd survive this week...

We'll be having our fourth Calculus exam tomorrow, and I haven't studied thoroughly yet. After that, I'll go somewhere and buy my friend a gift because it's her birthday four days ago, and tomorrow is her party at Mcdo. After the party, I'll finish my paper in PanPil19. After that is Sunday - I'll study for my three long exams on Monday and Tuesday. Haay, I'm barely breathing. My frame is no healthier, my eyes are almost gouged out, tummy is annoyingly flat, body can't retain all the rice that I've eaten, hands and feet are always sweaty because of stress, my hair is so dry because of... stress, teeth are tired of my gritting, knees are giving way, skin is ghastly, spirit is wounded, psyche is overfatigued, and heart is alone yet again.

By the way, I wasn't excempted for the Finals in EnvSci, so I'm doomed to study 13 topics on environmental conservation for the exam. Go me...

Anyways, the second semester days are near termination, so, I'm paying as much attention to the remaining assignments as much as I could.

I wanna go home - in Lipa. I want to breathe the usual cold breeze of the Lipa highlands, eat native cuisines, wallow at bed, sleep, dream, dream, dream...

I'm no longer dreaming of my better half. Love escaped me, because I never really knew her. The heart thing is not in my mind anymore; I think I'm better off single, because being in a relationship is such a burden when you can't even establish one.

Or maybe it's just because of this really hectic schedule??

Who cares anyways but me. Time for some extensive work.

See ya later.

-working-

Renewed

Hey.

My gastritis finally gave up on me. Finally, I've been sweating for days...

And my skin is ghastly pale, so, I'd better get out in the sun.

Our yahoo group is so full of outing plans. I'm really waiting for this since summer last year (???) - really. I wanna go skinny dipping with my highschool classmates. I wanna take a lot of photos for my albums... I wanna see them all!

Anyways, I'm really irritated by my MuL13 gawker. IT is just so annoying; kept on staring even if I challenged her with one of my impaling stares. Damn IT. I'm not gonna look at it again next time...

And some of my EnviSci classmates are so out of bounds. They kept on making such big deals on everything, even the minutest of details. We will be the next reporters, so I'm not really looking forward to a passive day. Those critters - I've had enough of their intimidating queries.

I wanna buy the Illustrated edition of The Da Vinci Code.... Hmm... But it costs a thousand and five hundred grand. Poor me. The book was - only in my dreams.

Anyways, gotta rest. I've got a very hectic sked ahead, and I just recovered from my freakin' gastritis, so I need to spend the day in bed. Bya!

-recovered-

Reduced

How’s you Torian? Lookin’ good.

Today was a very tiresome day. I barely kept my eyes shut last night because my tummy was infested by hyperacidity. Me was kinda scared, thought it would be my end (??). Hyperacidity can be pretty scary; it can give you illusions of intestines burning due to acid... Oh well…

So last night, I spent only 2 hours of sleep - very unusual thing. My sleeping time would extend to 10 hours at the most. So when the clock struck 5, I found myself sitting at bed with heavy eyes, the Ecosoc’s Constitution at hand, a bad hair-day to topple, and a damp butt due to bed sweat and a nocturnal emission of something.

Early this morning, I had my Final Interview in Ecosoc. It was pretty tough, hunger-inducing at the least. By the end of the interview, my eyes were sore, my backbone was aching, my skin was red and hot due to nervous exhaustion, and my tummy was too wounded to function, but nevertheless, I was happy because finally, I’m on my way to being accepted in the organization. Saying bye-bye to Loner-Ness!!

I continued to attend my Calculus classes at 10, realizing that my brain could no longer assimilate more calculations, numbers, symbols, etc.

Before 11, I pigged out at Katag. The mental exhaustion really made me feel like I lost 5 pounds, and luckily Jes and Mariel were there to relieve it. I spent some time chatting with my blockmates, making too much argument upon my very hearty appetite (which isolates me from about 50% of the whole teenage population - It doesn’t account my figure anyways; in fact, I should give myself more time eating than dieting). Mariel is sick of a chondritis-sounding disease, and she thinks of puking every after meal. Poor her; she’s bereft of the simple joys of eating…

Hey, we’re assigned to facilitate the culminating activity tomorrow, yet none of my co-applicants are making any effort to coordinate.

No one has tried to sweat a “hey, I can help…” Except Cecille and Sarsi.

I hate them! I hate them all. (Except Cecille G. and Sarsi)

I may be the Batch Head, but that does not disqualify them from helping! I already did my part by disseminating the details about the activity, yet there seems not a sound from me to them. My co-officers are none the better. I can’t believe them, they’re very – impossible. I can’t do this by myself because, first, I’m a guy and I’m biologically not into such stuff as organizing and coordinating. Second, my gastritis is peeking again, so I’m basically incapacitated. Third, I need a break... A very long break… Like – BRRRREEEEEAAAAAKK!!

Huff.

I hope my destiny girl saves me from this torment…

For now, I’m eating. Granola crumbs are stuck in my braces, and my retainers are so full of deep-fried Krunch Pao morsels. I hope I will develop a terribly bad breath so I can “blow the breath of death” on my very passive and stagnant and out-of-reach and careless and not-so-tired co-applicants. Grr!!

I am very sick by now. That means no gym for today, full bed rest for the night, daydreaming before real dreams, food for the wounded stomach, and more music for the tired ears.

I’m tired of listening at their “I-can’t-be-there’s”. Damn those maggots.

ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!

-angry-

Hectic

Hellougher!

Just went home from school. Tomorrow is my Final Interview in my organization, and I haven't memorized the Constitution yet... Arghh... If I memorize that 9 pages of shit by tomorrow, that'll be my record for the longest memorized article ever in my life. Huff.

The day after tomorrow (is not doom's day, nyarhar) is the culminating activity day... I haven't any idea of how we were supposed to culminate any activity (??), my co-applicants are so busy, the task is left all to myself. Huff huff.

The reading of tomorrow: Nervous breakdown early in the morning, sweat spurting all over, shaky hands, busted ego...

Sarsi is having Quarter life crises... Go her!

The day after the days after tomorrow (Monday) is exam day for Anthro10, the days after day after the days after tomorrow is Finals week. Geez, i can't even hold myself together, and now, the finals week. Darn!

Anyways, a Zagu shakey shall dumb all my pain... See ya later!

-busy-

Blood

Heya, Torian… Me.

It has been quite a while. I’ve been busy the past few days; the finals week is coming, and the teachers just never ceased barging us with lots of papers and projects… Nevertheless, me is still breathing.

Hey, my middle finger is bleeding. I accidentally scraped the skin off with the toilet flusher handle. Well… Icky blood, clumsy me.

We (I mean I) was tasked to prepare for a culminating activity in Ecosoc on Saturday. But they informed me only, so my other co-applicants are very well unaware of the assignment. I’m thinking if maybe I could just revert the responsibility to the members of the organization because this week is hell week, and so are the following weeks, so help me God and His divine assistants…

Just watched A Walk to Remember and I cried. Really worth watching. I wish I could meet my own Jamie Sullivan.

Yanna is moneyless. Poor her.

I had such a blast in Eastwood last Saturday (still have a hangover). IC was a little killjoy though, he forced us to leave at 15 past midnight. Harumphh…

I think I’m diabetic. The wound on my finger is so slowly healing. Hurry up!

Haay, Ms. One-and-Only = Hopeless case…

I wanna be a little more rebellious. I want a Kabbalah tattoo. I want another set of piercing. I want more slippers for summer. I want more food and money. I want to buy a book by Sandra Brown and Anette Blair. I want to see a very cheesy movie. I want to watch Swept Away starring Madonna and Italian guy. I wanna be a varsity player and get cheered. I want to have a girlfriend and be fondled. I want to have two cellphones with two operating simcards. I want a car and learn to drive it. I want a laptop complete with everything. I want a keyboard and learn to play it. I want to be a commercial model. I want to wear designer clothes. I want to swim at a turquoise beach. I want to share the beach with my friends – everyone. I want to listen to more music. I want to live life fully. I want to dream of better dreams. I want to be satisfied.

Torian, life is never too good to be satisfying. I wish I’d be happy na lang.

*The face can speak of a thousand emotions but it can easily mask what the heart truly feels… Don’t be fooled, for the happiest face maybe masking the most hurting heart…"*

The most hurting heart now speaks amid a thousand masks.

Mask is my world. Nothing is real.

Reality is a figment of my imagination. My reality lies where no one has ever decided to tread.

My reality
Is something that’s imagined
I never felt true

-"Haiku of the Superficial"


-bleeding-

Home-alone

Heya!!

CR went home to Batangas, so I'm all alone at home. Luckily, we were required to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean, so I've got something to spend my time for without feeling bored. So I asked CR if I can borrow his video rental card (I haven't any). I rented the Pirates and 4 other movies including the very cheesy A Cinderella Story (because I missed it in the movie marathon during the Tambay Week), the very fictitious ANACONDAS (whos dialogue is very unmoving and static and stale), Hellboy, and A Walk to Remember.

Hey, I thought that Walk to Remember movie was one of those CHASING-LIBERTY-PARALLELS... Apparently it was not. I think it was beautiful - Mandy was beautiful, and so is the story. Me was teary-eyed before the movie ended... Really beautiful; so the walk to remember is the walk down the aisle pala... Aww...

I wish there really are people who can change other people's lives..

Anyways, me still have to work on my reaction paper in PanPil19, which doesn't seem to be fitting for a reaction paper. The guide questions were not really making us work on a reaction leaf, but on a written report or something... I still have to search the net for answers... Huff..

And then there's this fame party thing that our organization is sponsoring in Eastwood. I really wanted to go, but I can't. Why? Well, first, I have a lotta load to unload... Second, I don't have the money to buy myself into the that first class hang-out. Third, I'm not in the mood for flaunting the beauty that was me. The Talent Center will be there - they will be holding VTR auditions. Well, me's not the kind who would go for VTR auditions, but I would very much like being discovered and appearing on commercials (Ha! Go me!). But then, my face is still not ready - zit breakout is coming, now that I'm approaching my quarter-life crisis. Huff, better stay home.

Bush-wacking is very tiresome...

I'm hungry again, and hot. Gotta chill.

Log on you again, Torian... Wish me luck in love.

-my back is aching-

High-end

Ei Torian, tis been a while.

Hey, I had a very emotional night yesterday... The organization that we founded (UPI) had a logbook where you may post random thoughts; I kept the logbook yesterday, and while I was writing my blahblahs, I found myself too depressed to function. Nevertheless, I wrote, in the hope of relieving the tension inside me... I'm very depressed lately.

Yesterday was my very first time to tour around the elite-infested Eastwood City in Libis. The place was very beautiful, and the people in it were as high-ended as the fancy malls, so I had a hard time preventing myself from gawking at everything. I like the life of malling, going in and out of stores, adding personal things to clothing collections, but the money is always a limiting factor. I envy those who have silver spoons instead of wooden ladles, those who have cars instead of cabs, those who have mastered the art of social flirting and socializing instead of the art of fitting in. Haay, if only me was rich.

So basically I lost my 500 pesos for Constantine which is worth 121 bucks, food, cab fare, and a Starbs frap. So much for the high-ended life. Money is just something you let go as easily as buying candies... But the catch is, I spent the time with two of my favorite people - Ana and Ayen. It had been a very long while since last sighting of Ana. Not much had changed, but if there were any, it's definitely for the better (?? although Ana had an ID violation before we met... TskTskTsk). Huff, I hope we'd always get together so that I'll be saved from Loner-ness. Oh by the way, Ayen is so into my LOVELINE (good thing, there's always something to divert her conversations... Hihi. Em not saying anything unless I'm sure of myself).

Anyways, back to Katipunan - or to UP - there is a very beautiful someone in my organization. She's very dainty and very feminine... You know, the girlfriend material. But maybe she's just beautiful. Looks can deceive. Most often than not, the most beautiful of humans are the proudest kinds, the oppressive, the ill-tempered. Although she doesn't look like it, ******* seems nice. Haay, I hope we'd be friends...

My Ms. Girl is still not in the mood for talk.

My schedule is becoming tighter and tighter by the minute. I hope I'd survive the second semester without having to undergo over-fatigue or dehydration. The heat is just so - hot...

Anyways, that would be it for now. Check ya later.

-nilalambot-

Quicker

Hiya Torian, me.

Lacking intellectual conversations lately. Gotta read...

Hey, still loveless.

I'm hungry every 45 minutes. My allowance is dropping below sea level because of it. Darn.

I think I have a Psychosomatic illness. Not really sure.

Ok, got to go.

-busy-