Dotted Sweatshirt

i just saw a three year old street child buying a cigarette and smoking it in complete abandon. the child is a she, and her mom doesn't seem any perturbed by that..

what has happened to the world.

then i saw a couple alighting from a cab. they look like they've just been from a date in some posh place coz they're wearing formal attires and carrying boxes of red ribbon cakes and the girl has a bouquet of rose on her arms. awww...

hmmm...

am i wasting my youth? should i be smoking? should i be dating? should i not be typing this entry and be in some party instead? drinking?

i remember this gay co-pepper telling me how im wasting my youth by shutting everyone off. i told him/her im not shutting anyone out, it's just that i dont get the point of having so many friends, of attending as many parties as i can, or smoking and subtracting ten years off my life span... what's the point of it all?

time is running out. three more months and my teenage years are done. will i regret it if i dont do something crazy while im still young? i dunno... as far as im concerned, too much pressure alters the normal flow of things. so for now, i'll just wait and see what happens to me in the next three months.

i'll couple that with eating as much fat as i can, because when i reach my twenty's, fat consumption will suddenly follow a cap-and-trade policy... you go beyond the cap and you'll be punished. yeah.

and i'll eat more chunky chicken sandwiches...

-it's unusually cold... or is it just me?-

En L'air

was watching happy campers when an overwhelming feel of sluggishness came over me and i fell dead asleep in an instant. i woke up at a knock at my door but i didnt answer it. i simply couldn't move.

sometimes i want to go to the doctor, have my shot of testosterone and get the transition thing over with. the h-word is ruling my life. and life is not being fruitful because of it.

after two hours of dreamless afternoon sleep, i feel a bit relaxed, and my back is not aching anymore. maybe the h-overdrive is over for this month... goood.

today i met with angie michel jj and ate ly for our group report. uh.. it's about india.. and we are void of gimmicks that would make the presentation interesting. oh well..

we talked about this clique thing within the batch, and how incurable it is... it's like a plague. the batch reps simply do not have enough power to reverse the adverse effects of having a divided batch, if the "adverse effects" are actually realized. some people simply do not care.

you see when we were freshmen, two big cliques emerged within the confines of the school of economics.. anika's masa kada and the more elitist BABES...

anika's masa kada is a conglomeration of econ students who go plain. stereotypical faces, barely noticeable fashion styles, the things that are reminiscent of the underdog world. the Babes on the other hand is the delusional "world of stars..." it is the group of mestizos with slanted eyes; rich kids with porcelain skin and porcelain cars... their flashy attires and gleaming blingbling gives us a feel of wealth, power, and social influence. these are the two major cliques that emerged as the whole world that was econ watched, and waited.

the others, like me, simply went marginalized. cant join the masa kada because they simply are a bit jologs for me (us) (at that time), cant go with the conos because they simply dont see me as one of their kind. so i (we) went marginalized. on the course of this schism i met other marginalized people, and we formed barkadas of ourselves. until today, the batch is still divided despite efforts of uniting it.

i hope the next batch rep manages to assemlbe us as one tight group of students... connections start early. this is the time to know people so that when we go out to the real world, we'll have a list of names to contact when the need arises.

whatever, why am i ever talking about this...

lah.

hmmm..

angie is turning twenty one tomorrow. she feels like she's too young to be twenty one... me.. i also feel too young for my age. nineteen years and i still enjoy cartoons, still glorify material things, still want chocolate boxes and pajamas... when will i ever grow up?

ewan.

i think im having quarter life crisis again...

sometimes i ask myself why the world needs psycho killers and murderers when we have ourselves who can do the killing for us..

what am i saying???

-mon tete est en l'air...-

Tricky Downloads

good morning sunday!

it's barely one month before summer vacation yet i still cant see my way through. i have major hurdles to bring down before i finally get to appreciate the summer breeze lapping on my skin.

yesterday morning, i started my fraction of our written report for environmental econ. would you want to know what time i finished? eleven.... eleven oclock in the evening. you know what i did in between? watch movies (rather monumentally floppy movies), download whateverthings, eat, listen to my mum while she washes my clothes, listen to my mum while she cooks, listen to my mum while she blabbers about the condo saying i should have lived on some dorm in UP instead.. wala lang. despite the fact that she's blabbering and ranting sometimes, mum's company brings peace and comfort to this rather erratic world. even though we're not that close, i feel safer when she's around.

and i am still buggering her about the iPod. haha. (i think she really wants to buy me that because i caught her checking out the prices... haha!)

haay. i wish im as rich as the sultan of brunei.

today, i plan to do our public econ paper. i was surfing the internet earlier, i found out that the articles about the privatization of napocor basically says the same thing: that politicking gets in the way of privatization... what else am i supposed to write about that?

oh well..

...

grrr, annoying. i downloaded this copy of blood diamond from bitcomet, and i waited for like hours only to find out in the end that the movie is dubbed in FRENCH! fuck. so i downloaded another one. tapos ung dreamgirls pa, when it finished downloading, wala, just a bunch of system files instead of the real copy of the film. roar.

...

on a lighter note: my mum cooked pritong talong for my breakfast today... oooh, i love pritong talong!

...

mum bought me new pyjamas! yehey! i want blue ones next time... Ü

-blueberry cheese-

H-Day Updates

i finally paid my utility bills, leaving my atm account void. patay na naman ako kay mother kumander...!

i will vote for alyansa. they have the best platforms so far.

twice ko nakita ung crush ko today! first sa national bookstore. tapos sa video city!! yie. kaya lang what if she's lesbo nga! lagi nya kasi kasama ung girl na un eh... tsk.

tapos nakita ko pa si kit sa econ kanina... hay. kung kelan naman hormonal ako. i can just begin fantasizing about her... ooooh...

hmmm... hihi.

wait i will do something bai!

-marine biodiversity-

Hormone Overdrive

hormones are drriiiving me crrraazy again! grrrooooarrr!

i hate these days. these are the days of the month when my hormones decide to ooze out of my hands in the form of sweat and ruin everything i touch. i can hardly even type on the keyboard.

it all started in that fair thing. the crowd?? remember i hate crowds? i get queasy. and the disturbed set of hormones were carried on until this afternoon, while i was cleaning my unit.. i moved two inches, i sweated a bucket... i thought id die from overperspiration. my lord why did you ever create such things as hormones?

and this hormone thing caused me to go fill myself unnecessarily. ive been eating increasingly fatty food since the past two days. i can't conjure up the image of my stomach accomodating all the bread pan ive eaten, the asian salads, the burgers, the chicken fillets, and the buckets of porkchop... top everything with rice, mashed potato, and ice cream, and there you go. a meal fit for a king... pig king.

i hate the feeling of being fat already. being bloated doesn't feel that nice. can't move right. can't feel right. can't even breathe right. but then again, it might just be my hormones.

grr i hate! *burp*

and for so long, ive been dry whenever i wake up. but this morning, uff. i looked down on my midsection and saw that i practically wetted my boxers with "wet dreams..."

shit. i never had wet dreams since i cant remember when...

if anything can just mend me now. please... i think the pains of adolescence are exaggerating in my case.

but then again, adolescence should have been done two years ago. why am i still having these icky adolescent-changes-in-the-body stuff? what, it's quarter-life body crisis? oh gimme a break. everything's a crisis now, the body can't possibly go the same way our economy goes...

ok, now im hungry again. this is getting into my nerves.

-chrissake! breeaaad pan.-

Due Date

hoh my gourd....

im am in total mess. literally. i woke up this morning and everything is ajar. the prim shoe rack contains only two of my footwear; all the rest is everywhere in the room. cables cover the floor like snakes in an orgy, and the styros where i ate yesterday are still there, sitting on the table, with cold morsels of porkchop and stone hard whits of rice.

the floor is spotted with i dunno. my laundry is full, the water dispenser is empty, and my body is aching (we had BEST sports event yesterday...).

haay. cant move. but will have to clean later. the pains of living alone: no one helps you in the domestic chores.

but its ok, id choose this over living with.. ...

*stars - callalily*

yey... im done downloading my best friend's wedding and the holiday. ano pa kaya pede idonwload?

...

erg ayoko maglinis. tsk.

...

hala... i still havent paid my utility bills, eh ung isa dun due last friday... tsk. mapuputulan na ko ng kuryente!

and my phone/dsl bill is 2700! could you believe that? ok. it's cross-cutting time again.

...

huff. this is getting kind of tiresome. due date for this due date for that. im getting tired of deadlines. i have deadlines in school, deadlines at home, deadlines everywhere. if death is a deadline, can i go beyond the due date? just like what i do here on earth to well meaning service providers?

-good morning-

What Happyness

listening to my econ151 professor as she discussed the answers for the exam last tuesday was excruciating. i have realized my fixation with the problems of taxation already, ok? enough.

it's kind of ironic, coz public econ is currently my favorite subject. im learning a lot, really, and i love ma'am Ho. but my grades are not reflecting the amount of knowledge i have going. oh well, as they say, they're just numbers.

sumasakit tummy ko... huhu. sabi ko na dapat hindi ako kumain ng cornik eh. i still have allergic reactions to packed food.

wow econ111 quiz was fun! i enjoyed answering the questions, ironically. but then my penmanship is only as readable as partial hieroglyphics so, i guess i shouldn't be expecting a nice grade. you know what my last exam was so full of information and i think my essays were the best that they could be, but i still got a 1.75, consequently because my penmanship is more complex than the Greek alphabet. and mam tuvera have eyes those of... bats...

haha!

i guess she's almost blind. oops... sori, i dont want kharma now. but really, she squints everytime she reads something.

*youch.. my tummmmy is eching...*

*pursuit of happyness...* bai!

-black-

Valentine's 2007

happy valentine's!!!

-jour de les coeurs..-

Growing Hair

uhhh..

i went to the hair dresser last monday, coz i saw this guy on the internet whose hair looks like mine when i was young - long and wavy. i went to bench fix hoping that my dear coiffeuse ms. lorna would be able to remake my do when i was in elementary. i was all set, i even caught a photo of the guy para gagayahin na lang pagdating dun sa salon...

but when i arrived at the fix salon, i suddenly had a change of mind coz i overheard some girl telling her boyfriend that since magsusummer na, kelangan na ipagupit ung hair para hindi na mainit. ako naman, always valuing second opinion, hindi ko na pinatuloy ung long cut gupit. sabi ko kay ms. lorna i'll just go back to my original shark's fin do.

pero pinakita ko pa din kay ms lorna ung photo just to tell her what i really wanted to have as "hair..."

tas sabi nya sakin, "oh, bagay naman yan sayo ah! ipapagupit mo na naman buhok ma sa maikli, edi kelan mo pa papahabain yan?"

me: uhhh...

ms. lorna: ikaw kasi wala kang pasensya sa pagpapahaba ng buhok.

me: erm... eh kasi kapag humaba na...

ms. lorna: alam mo mukha lang kasi mabagal humaba ung buhok mo kasi imbis na pababa ang paghaba, patabi ang tubo, wavy kasi, parang lumiliko kaya hindi mo nakikita kung gano talaga kahaba ung buhok mo.

me: ah ganun ba? pwede bang...

ms. lorna: actually maganda naman buhok mo eh, hindi mo lang inaalagaan... ganito... (ms. lorna launches into a speech about hair care tips...) hindi ko muna gugupitin, papanipisin lang natin ung sides at ittrim ung tuktok, papahabain muna natin tas bumalik ka sakin pag lampas eyebrows na. ayos ba?

me: uhh, kelan pa ako pedeng...

ms. lorna: ok *snip snip snip*

...

so in short, wala na kong nagawa, haha. although i cant really see the change in my hair (since sabi nya pinanipis lang nya..), i think in some way or another it will begin to grow right.

i love ms. lorna to pieces.. hehe.

so my goal at the moment is to grow my hair until its past my eyebrows. ok, ilang pimples kaya ang titirisin ko bago makalampas ng kilay ko ung buhok ko???

hay. sometimes time is so slow...

-wait... wait.. wait.-

Saint Valentin

wow, great game from the UP Volleyball Varsity, they won against UST 3-1... yey! ive always liked watching volleyball.

wow, its valentines day and im at home reading my geology notes because we have an exam tomorrow. consequently, two of the players in the UP varsity are my classmates in geol, and im wondering how theyd manage to study tonight after the game, when all their muscles are aching and all, and they might even have dates to go to tonight... in short maybe they'd not be able to study for the ezam, and that gives me confidence to not do my part of studying since ung mga classmates ko naman eh hindi din nagaral. hehe.

sori i still cant get over my failed public econ exam. i have to brood about it and i have to cease studying for a while because studying just didnt help me pass the exam.

anyways, linnie and len were here this morning and len gave me a stalk of rose... haha! baliktad na talaga mundo. len says she and her cousins planned giving a rose to some guy... para daw sa "WOMEN EMPOWERMENT.." well tama nga naman, women should be given enough power to drive the world. not to worry, the internatinoal scene has already addressed that through the MDG goals.. (there was one goal there that promotes women power... haha)

anyways. my valentines is fine, although not that thrilly with all the hormones and stuff, but im doing fine. im doing great. im still convinced that i dont really need love life right now because i have to focus on many other things, so ... .

edit...

hmmm... i love it. love is in the air. i like it this way. coz people are kinder, softer, and they stop thinking about problems for a moment...

happy valentines!!

-l'amour est dans l'air!-

UP Fair

im aaaaaaching..

my game plan was to immediately go home after our dinner at mang jimmy's, take a good nap and then download notes (if there are any...) for my geology1 exam on thursday. but but but, my very beloved highschool classmates wanted me to come with them to the UP fair and watch bleached bamboo on stage. i was reluctant at first but you know girls, their persuading power can surpass anyone's steadfastness. so i gave in in the end despite my aching shoulder blades and drooping eyelids. besides, you cant possibly leave four naivetelles in the midst of all those jumping jologs around.

the fair was fun, i got to see all my former schoolmates like angelica, kristel, iona, etc.. and i saw a lot of friends.

we rode the ferris wheel pala! ulgh, it was a wrong move. after the cheap ride we were all sagged and lightheaded.. wrong moooove.... at least we caught pictures at a different altitude.

because of my lightheadedness, i had to drink something to freeze my floating brain, so we scoured for some shake. and it was so funny coz the stand where we brought my supposed to be cookies and cream shake was manned by a person who is obviously youthfully ignorant of the shake business. he even had notes in hand... on how to prepare a shake. haha! how funny. and it was his first transaction for the night.

then it's off to the crowd na. man, daming tao. oh and there was this goth girl who approached and ATTACKED ME!!!

nah, joke lang. actually she approached us and she was talking in some weird goth language i dunno, tas hindi namin sya maintindihan. basta in the end ang nagets ko lang eh she wants to win in some raffle whatever and she needs signatures from band members... eh napagkamalan nya kong band member kasi mukha daw akong banda (?) kumusta naman.

anyways, some of the bands were great, but the crowd was tired i guess because of the mental stress from acads kaya hindi sila makaparty ng todo. oh well. bamboo was great..

and we went straight home. la na tulog na. when i woke up this morning i was still wearing the pants i used last night. k, hindi na ko nakapagbihis sobrang pagod. anyways, today is another day.

UP Fair was fun.

will study for geol11...

-blah-

Premature Learning

hello sunday, how are you doing?

me, im doing grrreeat. you know what, we have a major exam on public economics on tuesday. i started reading my handsome book, and ive been reading since yesterday and guess what, ive finished a mere three chapters out of eleven! and i barely understood what i read... grrreeat..

three chapters down, eight more chapters of premature learning to go...

the problem is, im a very slow learner (well at least in the fields of scarcity and correct allocations...). that's why i spend a lot of time reading and reading and reciting and punishing my soupy brain when other people could just breeze through their notes and know everything about, say, the taxing system, in an instant. it's kind of unfair, but i have learned to live by it.

anyways, i am very uber proud that my redesigning plans were successful. yeah, the single accomplishment i garnered over the past few days.

erg.

you know sunday, if i still cant get all the public sector whathaveyous into my central processing unit, i might resort to what angie told me... "drink glutaphos..." the brain tonic.

erg.

do i really have to resort to that to refresh my memory banks? oh life.

-arrow's impossibility theorem-

Layout 4

wow, new layout.

and im still pouting. tsk, quarter life crisis, beating of my ego, hungry stomach, name it, i have all the reasons why i should pout. but dont worry i dont pout that much in real life.

i love colors that are barely there. i love whiffs and threads, of blues and whites and silvers, like the streaming feather clouds when the sun decides to sleep.

-fractal-

State Crab

i probably should be getting along with my lengthy exam notes (two chapters less than 300 pages) for tomorrow, but things happening around me forces me to stop, reflect, and think of the things i did that made me not only this stressed, but also equally sad.

for the fourth time since i started giving out my wonderful resumes, i have been turned down by ignorant hrd personnel from prestigious banking institutions in the country. why do they always fail to read the "For INTERNSHIP" label at the top of my resume? i have wasted a lot of money going to and fro makati hoping that i would finally get a well deserved internship program, only to be dismissed by the human resource department because they missed the "for INTERNSHIP" part in my resume. and here i am now, still void of any internship whatsoever.

actually their lack for internship programs is nothing. what perturbs me is the fact that i got harrassed in the process. you dont just go to makati and talk to people. you get interviewed. and ive realized, the "dog-eat-dog-world" mantra starts at the very beginning, during your personal interviews with crab mentalist ignorami.

i feel harrassed. for the first time i have actually went out of my league to embrace a dream that was never mine. for the first time i put my heart on it. what bothers me is that it is not accepting me the way it should.

now im thinking again. i dont want to give up a dream for the second time.

i gave up a dream once, and you can just imagine the pain i experienced when i finally decided to drop it. my mental faculty was shot, my emotional stability went Bail. it basically killed my ego.

-enough-

Of Age

tin says the trend for this sem is: going home early...

what's so special about going home early. nothing. just the idea of relaxing on some nice warm bed, the weather's cool, and you have food around. i know it sounds sad, i mean if this would come from a once livewire like me, but i actually am enjoying myself's company lately, and going home too early is not that bad. i dont think being a homebody should be limited to the geeks and agoraphobics.

when acads are becoming too stressful that you'd just want to throw yourself out the window, the comfort of home is solace enough.

and since ive been staying too long at my unit for the past few days, im becoming more acquainted to its anatomy more than ever before.

i like cleaning the room now. i mean, ive always hated cleaning, as long as there's room for another step id keep everything as they are no matter how dirty. well now, ive started sweeping the floor, arranging my stuff, attending to my utility bills more attentively, you know, i might even make a very good father for these things.

i dunno. maybe it's the northeastern wind chilling everyone around. or better yet, maybe this is the coming-of-age chapter of my life!

whoa.

that's freaky. am i growing up?

-nah.-