Unaiming Thoughts

youch. tomorrow is d-day.

french quiz, econometrics comprehensive exam, geog long exam. erf. i havent studied for geog yet. tomorrow na lang. econ131 muna.

i thought getting into IDEA was as easy as just barging in that enigmatic door before the comp lab... but no. it requires a resume and a true copy of grades from the college secretary. deng. and we still have to be interviewed for that. oh well...

will try nevertheless. at the moment, im a grab-bag. come what may. do what may.

i have this little sense of accomplishment today because i was able to pay my utilities at last minute stretch, do the grocery, and get home before 6. ive just pondered upon this idea that, what keeps a person through are the tiny little accomplishments that manage to sprout in one's life despite overall chaos. at least in my position, that's what keeps me going. everything maybe in ruins, but hell, the time cannot escape without any fruit.

so here i am, cozy at home. waiting for 7:40. i set a deadline upon myself. after that is hardcore studying. if i get tired after one hour, id sleep the headache in my head, and continue studying tomorrow morning (4:00). sleep is important you know.

...

tin left me! you nigga! i thought we'd go home ensemble?? oh well. nobody challenges the will of your dada. you werent even able to text a buhbye... it's kinda funny and freaky at the same time when i imagine tin being picked up from school by dada, at 19 years of age, with no trace of bad record, with a clean academic status, with nothing to ground her about. oh well. i am lucky i have my freedom.

but sometimes too much freedom suffocates. its like you're gonna burst due to the hypotonicity of your liberation. sometimes people need to have delimiters to keep everything collected. but not naman that delimiting. nah.

whatever. poor tin. but whatever happens of the suppression, let me just tell you this: thank you for inspiring all, me at least. you're quite a life you know. you just dont know it.

-allez!-

Dreaming IDEA

i have a dilemma again! you see there's this non-government organization in econ who offers very good training to students by form of publications etcetera etcetera. and they give allowances. now, they're opening one slot for anyone, because apparently, someone left his position, so it has to be filled. and i have so wanted to become part of the team...

by they way, the name of the organization is IDEA.

sheesh. one of my very good friends comes from IDEA, and she's been bugging me to join for days now.

nyay. i really want to, if not for pep. although...

why im still in pep:
1. i borrowed a bio book from one of my co-applicants, so it would basically look like i borrowed the book and ran away with it if i quit pep... for IDEA...
2. i happen to like the physical trainings in pep. keeps me pumped.
3. pep is extracurricular, and it is my only escapade from the daunting academic format i have got myself into. it keeps me sane.
4. my pep shirt is still being marked with an LA Gear tag, so im still waiting for its release.

why i want to be in IDEA:
1. it gives an allowance. money money, dude...
2. its a good training ground for whatever, they say. you get to make whole page publications by just researching everything on the internet. and you get closer to the econ professors...
3. i have good friends there. wala lang. ive just realized how much "alone-times" can make me a tad depressive. so as much as possible, i want to be in the company of people.
4. if you're in IDEA, you have free time and resources to research for things other than what is required by IDEA (i.e. your econ151 research memorandum...)

aargh. i really want to join. i asked aida (my friend from IDEA) to brief me again tomorrow. hala. as if i have the time. ewan. i think at the moment, it's either IDEA or PEP. not both. but i want both!! darn. kasi. pep can make inevitable negative cash flows from my allowance account in the near future, and i guess IDEA can fill in the void in an equal amount. haha, this is all in the terms of money. the econ-person me. haha.

if i quit pep, then id have more time for IDEA, more time for my bb42 bubble, more time for my friends, maybe i can even join tin and pie in their bi-weekly jogs around the acad oval, just as how we do it in pep. erf. i hate dilemmas.

and i just realized that i get the bigger picture of such decisions during the early morning hours. while im sleeping. i dream about them, and end up having a fucked up morning. deng.

waah! ok maybe i'll just consult ayen. she knows what's best...

-dilemma-

Living Bohemia

ok, so maybe this is quite late, but i cant just let the month end without making an ode to my very dear friend who just turned 19 and rockin about a week ago.

this is a photo ode, so... you go figure.

on the photos:

i love freeze frames. i have been obsessing with editing the color channels of freeze frames, because somehow, if you neutralize the colors into a single prominent color channel, you bring out the monotonous beauty of a picture. or is it just me? the first one is in indigo channel. it's my first time to see a photo in that part of the spectrum, and it's nice. besides, indigo is one of my favorite colors.

the second one is a diffused glow version of this photo's yellow channel. i tried to put it in sepia tone but i think the reds in sepia destroys the "golden" theme of the picture... so...

the third one is my favorite. it's on dry brush filter after i reduced the red channel saturation of this photo. nice isnt it? or is it just me again?

on the model:

tin is a very good friend. i like doing tin's photos in photoshop because her face is not starkly angular, hehe, easy photo-editing, haha, but putting adobe aside, tin is one good human for real. i have always been inspired with the things she said, the movie moments, the practicality of her existence, the ghosts that haunt her (yes, they can be inspiring sometimes)... when you are with tin, there's never a dull moment.

well ok there are, but those are colorful dull moments. because somehow, tin knows how to put color in things that would simply be gray in my eyes. so you see, tin is bohemia. the color of an otherwise lifeless nothingness.

tin is a painting in midtones. no highlights yet, more on the shadows, but colorful nonetheless. take another look at the third photo. that's tin in full color as of now.

to tin, thank you for inspiring everyone. my wish for you is that you live long so you can live a life on the beach. joyeux anniversaire mon ami!

-photograph-

Evaluating Life

ROOOAAAARRR!!

if i just stop for a while, i will hear the rush of my blood.

i thought for just some unknown reason, the world is running me over. i woke up this morning rushing things, for no particular reason. i went to the drugstore, got a new set of toiletries without even thinking how i knew what i was gonna buy. then while i was doing the grocery, it dawned on me that the reason why im rushing things and my body clock suddenly burst to life with a loud ding dong, is because i wont be spending any more free time next week, since...

1. pep decides to join the compet so everything else becomes tighter... and we'll be having wednesday and saturday trainings...
2. my next tuesday is a no-breathers day. french quiz in the morning, geography long exam in the afternoon, and for the highlight of the show, a comprehensive exam in econometrics at the middle of the day. darn! now i know why the population of econ cuts in half every after junior year. the mere thinking about econometrics makes me just want to shut everything else and hibernate.

i hate econometrics, not because my professor doesnt have the capacity to teach it, because in fact she has: the latest BS Business Econ summa cum laude to date, captain of the UP Tennis Varsity team during her time, council officer of the school of econ, and a faux-beauty queen who could just have graced the runway with ease - what else could you ask for. every tuesdays and fridays, i come face to face with superwoman SA Quimbo (and she has a family - she's not a dork), but somehow, i dont get inspired by her achievements the moment i lay my eyes on the regression lines on my gujarati book. erf. prof quimbo always stressed that "we could pass econ131; we dont need to memorize the obscure equations to get it to above tres, we just have to internalize the basic equations..."

which on my comprehension complex translates to: "memorize the 21 basic equations in getting the basic regressional parameters... and that's not all, you have to know how to manipulate your calculator the fastest way possible, else you would consume a full 2 hours complete with only 3 columns of a 10 column worksheet. and you still have to answer the side questions... good luck."

ROOOOAAAAARR!! what am i? Microsoft Excel????

roar.

ive been reading the bb42 ygroup, and danazart, my best buddy from lasalle, makes econometrics sound like it's plain and easy highschool algebra. daing. i just dont get it, why i cant imbibe econ into my system fully. there's a resistance... but well... whatever. he's in lasalle, im in UP. at least i have that cherishable thought that at some point back, i was intelligent enough at the right moment, that why i landed in UP and not somewhere else. haay.

and my love life. d'oh. it's dead. every night, i hear the ghost of tin's voice telling me that "hala, these are those moments when the urge to cuddle someone will make you go crazy *edited*..." oh the nights are the bitterest times of the day. i hate it, when i think of having someone sleep with me, by my side, talk so sweetly in tristan and isolde abandon, it makes everything look dry, because i realize that ive just been talking to my violet pillow. deng.

so i drown myself with hard emo music.

well back to my UP life, i believe that if i continue doing this multipersonal multitasking, i would experience the biggest pain when i graduate. as ayen says, it is the sudden stop that's most painful. haay.

nothing. just pondering over things. welcome me to UP.

-it's raining again. what could be more cruel?-

Choosing Synonyms

Choose the letter of the word that best describes...

1. TIRED
a) kimoy
b) keneth
c) ako ako
d) mephistos

answer: e) all of the above...

2. WASTED
a) kimoy
b) tin
c) ayen
d) sarsi
e) vida

answer: a) kimoy, there's no arguing... or b) tin will do, because of all the recurring maladies of the heart... tsk.

3. ROCKIN'
a) kimoy
b) tin
c) ayen
d) sarsi
e) vida

answer: f) all of the above... hehe. haha. hihi.

im so wasted, i werent aware that we'll be having our first exam for econ131 this saturday, and that i have an exam in geog on monday, and that i have a quiz tomorrow in french, and that we have a food fest tomorrow for geog... tsk tsk tsk. considering the fact that i just bummed totalus last five-days-vacation... tsk tks tsk. im such a-mess.

the snares blew my brain away. i have to look for it pa. later.

-blah-

J'ai Fievre

what i did the whole day was lie down, wait until i sweated all the viruses that has invaded my system, and battle this numbing headache which i have never experience before. i kept my feet off ground for a complete 17 and a half-hours, call that some rest - for me that was major rejuvenation.

im still feeling unwell though, but at least im degrees better now than yesterday.

haay. sayang. i should have taken my vitamins. i was in top form before i got this fever. for the first time in my life, i had the best forearms and triceps i could ever have. now it's disintegrated, darn the virus. i lost the grueling wide and narrow push-ups, 25 each in three sets (uff) and 60 crunches, also in three sets. not to mention the tricep crunches and the planks... erg. im back to point zero, and i have to start all over again, to get back to my peppy form. haay. starting by running the acad oval on tuesday.

i hope im better by tuesday.

*uninvited* - best score by alanis morisette. nice...

geez i should start writing wittier entries.

well next time. as for now, im off to dreamland!

-sleepy-

Corporal Punishment

ok, im still sick and i think it got worse tonight. i forced my ass to go to pep, because it is badly needed. for Php19.50 i butted in on traffic, sacrificing my dear health to the smoke belching voitures. i should have taken a cab, but well.

*la vie boheme* on my winamp. my medicine. and *no day but today*... kudos to larson...

i cant wait for monday. if it happens that they're cutting class after 11, then we're off to starbucks corinthian gardens. yeeha! chillaxin again. im planning to get french into my head, because apparently, im way behind the lessons. this morning, we're supposed to have a quiz, which i wasn't aware of, so i crammed all the l'article partitifs in my malfunctioning brain... but thankfully, mam ventanilla eventually cancelled the quiz. maybe she sensed that i fretted on abandon the moment she entered the door. i think she likes me... and she doesn't me to get a big throbbing zero on her quizzes... haha!

im doing good in my snares. i hope my fingers would get used to all the paltos i get from doing the drums. haay. i love pep.

i hope i get well tomorrow. there are still so many things left undone... i have to keep up with my life, because i have come a long way, i guess, and im only doing so by giving up the precious moments i should share with my friends. haay. too sad.

-tempra-

Chuis Malade

huhu. im sick.

it's 3 in the morning, i cant move my lower body much. there are somethings in my lungs that makes it hard to breathe. erg. huhu.

it's so cold. huhu.

im sick. im scared, im alone, and there's no one who'd take care of me... huhu. puhuhuhuhu...

-wawa me-

Point Nineteen

waaah darn.

i flunked my laboratory exam by a mere 1 POINT!! putangina!!!!!! damn damn damn. and because of that, i'll have to take the final exam... 1 point for the finals. i should have answered one item correctly, too bad i didnt...

aargh. i really dont want to take the finals. final exams pull my grades down all the time. aarghh... ewan, bahala na si batman.

i lost the time to get a haircut today to sleeping. i think my body catched up with the hours of sleep it lacked, that's why i woke up too late in the morning, that i missed my biology lec class, missed getting introduced to ms. rodellos the terror biology prof, missed the notes, which were badly needed because mam fernandez (new instructor also) is one pain in the ass, she looks at notes, asks us to bring that big biology book over there, and demands us to recite all the time. daing.

i hate biology!!!

chem is totally better.and the crowd in chem is... KUDOS. compared to my bio crowd... ugh. what the hell? all the dorks in the world are there.

well back to sleep, im glad i slept for long. tin said i was bigger today. yey!

anyhows. i have to catch up with my lessons in french and 106, because ive left them behind for the exams in bio, which i failed din naman. (!@#$%^)

hay. i need a tutor. help me please...

...

it was tin's power dinner pre-bday bash yesterday. i got the ultimate relaxation in 1 month. haay. tin's birthdays are always a-blast. now, almost everyone is grown up. i wonder how our agendas will change, because now we're consenting adults already... no more childish whateverthings.

happy birthady tin! my very dear friend. let this moment set you free.

...

pretty pretty!!

that's my classmate in geog143... sheesh. sobrang may tama ako sa kanya.. i cant say how. there's something in her that makes me wanna stare, kaya lang di ko masabi kung ano. daiiing.. sayang talaga, i should have sat next her, if not for that meteor garden looking guy with a fake face = mukhang aspaltong binleach... haay. and her name is AF. haha! hmmm AF. teka, naaarouse ako...

...

its frustrating, how people you like cant like you, and the people you dont like, ARE EVERYWHERE AROUND YOU!! waaaah! die beng die!! i hate beng. that low-life. beng is the biggest turn-off a man could ever have. why cant she just be a bit more sophisticated. tangina. she's hunting my econ106 and 131 classes. everytime i do 106 and 131, i always feel a chill at my nape, kasi anjan ung leech-lady na laging tumitingin... nyikes...

para kang nagkaroon ng admirer na bading. fhwodeifwoefoawj eelk...

buti na lang makikita ko si AF bukas. *blush*

-bonne chance-

Feverish Day

no day but today... yar.

haay. so many things have happened in so little time, im losing my real-time keep up with acads and orglife and pep... in the span of four days, i went bowling with pep, got drunk for the first time, went to a UAAP game with sore throat, had 2 long exams and a closed-book problem set, flunked exams without me knowing it, slept for an average of four hours, spent sleepless nights hanging around some study buddy, studied until three in the morning, battled stress headstrong, cut class for the first time this sem, missed breakfast and lunch for a puny merienda, etc etc.

im am uber stressed.

but i kept telling myself, after all of that pain in the ass, i'll have some chillin - which comes in the form of PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN! yehey! til wednesday.

happenings in UP a while ago:
-we didn't have physical conditioning today, thank God. i wouldn't even have made it to my second push. im feeling feverish and weird, maybe because im lacking sleep. darn. and the 2 exams and one problem set got me at wits end. double darn. at least im chillaxin tomorrow.

-i got a fraternity invitation today. nyay, scary. the pep drummers were at the kiosk in front of the gym, when this alpha sigma guy approached me and asked me if i could go to their grand symposium eklat later.. syempre i just looked at him first. he said wala lang daw un, it doesn't mean that im committed to the frat if i attend the grand blahblah... eh duh. un na nga un di ba? i think everyone knows that if you dont want to get into a frat, you must not attend grand whatevers. otherwise they would think you're looking forward to becoming a member. then hazing, then induction, blah blah blah. i think i rejected the offer gracefully. i hope.. haha! hala, mamaya may tatambang na sakin, ako na susunod na mabubugbog sa AS... haha!

-pia lost composition because manpower turnover for the frisbee clinic was pathetically low. so we had to cheer her up. I had to cheer her up - im being a cheerleader the moment i decided to lay my fingers on those drumsticks. besides, she had to be lit up, because she is my friend, and i dont want to have people around me claw their ways drastically out of endeavors weeping or broken or whatever. it makes me feel weak, makes me realize the inevitable endlessness of stress, life crisis, and fuckin discontentment.

my friends have to be strong so i can be strong. without them i am but a figment of unreality.

...

thanks niña for lending me the jacket. your my savior!

well, later then. i have to keep up with sleep pa. tomorrow, i'll have speed reading sessions, a community development committee activity, and some major chillaxin agendas. till tomorrow.

-i feel feverish-

Drummers' Night

... ?

geez. im out of my league.

drummers' night last saturday. went bowling. i sucked big time. then we went to gerson's crib at visayas av. we had booze, open forums, smoke (lots of it and i hated it but well...), food, videos, etc etc. for the first time in my life i got drunk... well at least that's what they say. i dont really remember much..

its not the wasted drunk thing, but at least, kudos to me. i got drunk for the first time after a hundred times i tried to be. im living the genes of my family - tangero! bravo bravo!

it's nice waking up coiled in a sofa, in a warm sunday morning, with a numbing headache, in the midst of 20 or so booze heads. haha. we went to mass together, then went to ninoy for the games, then headed home. it was a long day.

ahhh!! ayen!

i am talking to ayen in ym. she's currently asking me to go to krus na ligas so we can do the prob set in 131 together... ok, later. will rush.

later.

-rush-

Blue Kid

uff, im in a mess...

am not eating any junk food anymore. for the rest of my life. darn it.

you see ive been trying out this desensitization scheme ive imposed on myself towards my allergies. so far ive managed to remove my allergies on detergents and iced tea. the iced tea part was quite easy - i gulped down c2, waited for anything to happen, and luckily, nothing did. i asked mum to ask doc if it was ok to continue drinking iced tea. doc said as long as there's no pain in the tummy, everything's a-owtei.

the detergent part was harder. i would get boils on my hands whenever i tried to do the dishes. and it was crazy itchy. but it's all gone now. ive even managed to do the cleaning of glasswares in our chem16 laboratory class - using detergent of course.

then i tried eating junk food, the normal tostillas, see if i could go by life not avoiding the things i love. so i bought a pack of tostillas from a nearby store, gobbled it as i watched this porno movie i found on my cd case. well guess what...

my tummy started churning like hell. i tried drowning myself with water to keep everything in, but... well. i puked everything out, including my dinner (pork chop and string beans and rice), my dessert (yogurt...?), and the icky golden tostillas chips. they just came out a slimy orange fudge submerged in thick pasty foam. ak.

damn. im such a blue kid.

now im hungry again. but i dont have the appetite. having seen that... blarhakhklerja..

it's getting late. maybe i just have to sleep this off. bai.

-tummy ache huhu-

Typhoon Day

it's typhoon day today, so classes were cancelled (along with my 2 biology exams, yehey!) i think i slept for more than 12 hours today.

waaah... i also want an ipod...

not just any ipod. i want a black ipod nano... like tin's... haha!

joke lng. actually id settle for whatever brand, i just want an mp3 player that can store photos and other files in it. more of like a media player. im currently surfing the Creative page for more options..

yuck, as if i have the money to buy me one. mum wont let me.

well at least i havent tried asking her. hmmm...

ive just watched underworld evolution and tristan and isolde... aww.. how tragic. i wish that kind of story doesn't happen to me..

today im a total bum. too bad we have classes tomorrow. darn.

i miss pep.

huh?

-la la la-

Cold Isomers

dammit.

i have two long exams piled for tomorrow, and i havent studied one bit about them. darn. it unnerves me, how i used to tell that im very good in bio, when situations are... pathetic. i thought my forte resided in the natural sciences. i was wrong.

or is it just sir quilang who makes school get on the way of my education?

darn all cellular membranes in the world. darn the idle nerve cells in my brain. darn me... and sir quilang. bleh.

no. sir quilang's a good guy.

uff. DHARMA for crying out loud.

ive experienced all types of "cold" today. cool bed, freezing water, cold treatment, cold feet, cold whatever. if i was a biologist, i would have made a thesis on life's response to the lack of warmth in physiochemical, emotional, and spiritual ways.

but then that would have been psychological. i hate psych at the moment.

the frigid rain made me realize that oppression isnt the only common denominator between me and my friends. we also share this common trait, this common genetic makeup that suppresses mental function.

we have a fear of being alone.

as of now, it's just me and my immediate universe: me, the cold food im gobbling, this computer, and the adulterated thoughts of her. welcome to my world.

maybe i really should study. im not entirely sad because im alone, and it's not the exact reason why i cant get any bit of info in my head, but i just dont know. ive been hanging in this abyssal nothingness (forgive my redundance) every night for the past couple of... years. well... ok so maybe im really sad because im alone. uh.

i wonder why, for the longest time, i am still solitary and cold...

at least the girl at the drugstore smiled at me today.

-frigid-

Amity Six

holy fuckin crap.

kumusta naman ung standing ko sa bio? holy fuckin crap.

never mind. 5% lang naman un...

was at ninoy aquino stadium yesterday. up won over ust. yeba. good thing, coz otherwise i would have cursed everyone in salinggawi to death. you see we were cheerleading in front of this very indifferent UP crowd, screaming our lungs out. well it just takes some more vocal boom booms to get them hyped. they were a tad enthusiastic in the end. for me the UP crowd is still the best ensemble over all. but man, that called for some screaming! and my vocal cords are...

so who cares if the babbling battalion screams like theyve jugged down fifteen liters of extra joss?? and salabat? who cares. thats artificial. the voice of UP is pure adrenaline pump, pure raging hormones, pure maroon blood. yar.

whatever. basta im happy that we won. my overdoing my vocal baahaas paid off.

then acad mode for my bio quiz the next morning (which is today), and guess what, i flunked a quiz for the third time! yeeeehey! baizer!

fuck talaga. but yet again, who cares. everyone else failed anyways.

then today, another session for pep. i feel like the hands of pep are embracing me, they're really good people. gooood. fuuuuunnn...

tin ----> non, je n'a pas un probleme. le raison pourquoi je ne parle pas chaque fois est je suis tres fatigue. desolee.. ma organization es tres dificil.

bon, ben... le quelque chose de mel... ... NON! je crois je l'aime! non non non... non... c'est un mauvaise pensees... mais... ouufffff... merdre. je pense de la fille chaque nuit! avant je dorm! non! huhu. j'ai mal a la coeur...

i learned 5 mind games today. yey!

more pep tomorrow. conditioning again. then on saturday we have the drummers night. hala!

-grace under pressure-

Update Update

huff. just got home.

i hate rain. ruined my day. but thank heavens i didnt miss anything. coz today is the opening for uaap. and the pep was expected to be there. but it rained so hard, i cant even get anywhere. anyways, rain just drenched some of my stuff. i was there at araneta for teh opening... it's a bit boring. if not for...

wala pala. boring pala talaga.

i love multivitamins. keeps me fatter. keeps my appetite boosted.

will get a haircut soon. tin says i should.

went to pep rally. first time. it was boring. we should have left earlier. was home by 1000. slept over at mari's unit, which is a very faraway abode... mga 2 steps away from my unit..... far. mari is afraid of the dark. hihi.

what's taking the water refill so long? im uber thirsty. i hate the service of that water station. when i call them early in the morning to deliver water, they'll get the refill delivered 12 hours after. fuckars.

lynnie ---> sori i dont have much time. i wish you could set future gimmicks on wednesdays, so i can go out with you guys. you see my mtthf have no airspace, so...

bah. sleep na ko. uber tired. i havent slept for weeks.

-blug-

Crying Lala

coach lala cried today.

now the UP pep squad will get all the blame, no matter what happens, no matter what we choose to do this coming uaap season... the issue has become so complicated that it reached a point where someone has to let go, and now they're talking about retirement. will ellaborate next time. as for now, i might as well retire everything. brlah. u can just imagine the impaling rattling of my forearms and fingers in pain.

but im half-happy nonetheless.

wow. it's 12:09 on my clock. and i just got home. i remember i left home early yesterday, only to come back a day after. it's the 7th of july. mamaya, balik na ulit sa UP, acads from 830 til 230, then pep na ulit.

mcdonalds is no longer my second home.

UPgym is.

good night. good morning pala. sleep tight. and may tomorrow bring me closer to...

-Jyx Annvrsr-

Ma Vie

some loser. when i think about it, i surprise myself for being the toughest loser to walk earth.

i have completely changed.

i cant believe that spending a span of two years in the "most prestigious university on the land," would ironically make me succumb to dumbness, would degrade the intellectual pedestal where my psyche resided, and all the while retain the pain receptors to feel the eventual decline of my faculties, my learning prowess - that lysosomic power i hide in my brain that set me high against my brothers, against my kin. i never wanted to be like them. that's why i developed at an early age the art of ingesting information faster than food, faster than air (i was asthmatic). faster than i can read an encyclopedia (and im a speed reader... 6 years ago.)

now, almost half of my time out of home is spent in extracurricular activities, simply because it is the only venue that i can find happiness, in at least one part of my life. everything has crumbled, and this may be the last thing in store to keep me going.

i dunno.

i have come to that point where my brain stopped learning. that point of "knowingness." it's like i dont have enough room for new ideas, that's why even professing my forte doesn't even give me satisfaction.

now, im just like everybody else. or worse, i might even be worse.

i hate life. everything that's in my life seems to be destined in an ultimate failure. my acads, my love life, my family life, my social life, my intrapersonal life. gone was the keneth who is all confident, who speaks his mind in the best flourish of english or Tagalog, who dances, who sings, who acts, who tops the honors' list. gone is him. all i have now is a big blunt loser mechanicalized by the weather of time.

and i cry, again, for the umpteenth time, i cry, but no one cares. as they say, we are all alone at the end of the day. but it's just so unfair.

i have become so kind of others, that i spend time, every night, thinking about their whereabouts, what they could have been doing that exact instant. all teh while i thought about them, but then i realized, why do i have to waste my time doing such, when nobody thinks about me in return.

i dunno.

it is just so unfortunate that i had to lead my life. society forces me to smile, despite the fact that i hurt inside. because society didn't want a lonely me. sadness is something i should tackle alone.

and it's so hard. i just want to die.

feel the bliss of eternal sleep. as the death-eaters make me one with the elements.

it is a very harsh world. and im a very tough loser to exist in it - it amazes me.

-je suis fatigue-

Condo Life

what's with today? everythings crappy, i cant even find some peace-place anywhere...

first i woke up with thirteen fucking mosquito bites all around my arms and feet. i planned to bombard those pesky critters with baygon-my-hero, only to find out that there's no more baygon in the can. so they're still buzzing round the unit like tiny vampiric electrodes, and they're driving me insane! anyhows, just so you know, im really very anti-mosquitoes... if i had the chance to be a biological diety, i would have decreed all mosquitoes extinct. damn them. coz whenever they bite, the bite will eventually turn into a wound, and it bothers me that their saliva is running on my bloodstream. damn.

so i just busied myself with the laundry (i dont do the laundry, i just arrange them in a plastic so it would be easy for ate lida/laundromatperson to fetch it and get it washed), man, i should get a schedule for the laundry. maybe once a week. every weekend. coz if you dont get them fetched for like weeks, they'd, uh, start smelling really weird. it's like sweat with a tinge of raflessia essence, and uh, athlete's foot. iw.

i opened my closet and voila, a-mess. more hours doing closet.

then i stumbled upon the rice cooker, which, for a certain play of fate, played upon my curiosity. i later found out that mum forgot to clean the rice cooker, so the contents inside (rice) had turned into...

A ROLLING MASS OF ORANGE FLUFFY MOLDY FUNGI!!

yuck...

i cant even tell where the rice is. it just became an orange blob, with a sort of powdery middle. and the stench! o my god. it's fatal. but i wont even sweat cleaning that monstrosity of a blrrrrshrhuulk... who would want to get their fingers into that "living" mass of glob, especially if you have paltos all over your hands? there's no way putting those fingers into the rice cooker to purge it from the icky fungi. no, uhn-uhn.

and for the third time now, i swept the floor because it never appeared as dusty as it is moments ago. the dust just kept on sprouting. they never disappear!

uff.

see guys, it's really not that easy living alone in a condo. you have to do the chores and all that, when at home, you can just relax, feel the fat accumulate in your joints, chill, whatever. living independently doesn't just mean independence and freedom, it also means cleaning the floor, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, and keeping ORANGE GLOB CREATURES FROM GROWING IN YOUR APPLIANCES!!!

waaaah! ROAR! i need domestic aid... huhu.

that's just the domestic side of my living here in QC. i still have to think about my acads, and my orgs, and the other thigns that happen in school. that's why people living with their parents have no reasons to whine about acads or orgs because they basically have nothing else to think about but that.

bitter. well. as tin said, at some point on the way, i made a choice. so i have to live by it.

-i feel feverish, but who cares-

Two Days

urff. 3:09 in the morning, and im still awake. i think alcohol has a reverse effect on me. i should be travelling dreamland by now, but voila, im wide awake, and my gawking eyes are as red as cherries.

i just had the two best days of my life since highschool...

pep = play. keeps me on my feet. pep rocks yeah!

yesterday, had some trouble with carrying the drums to aldaba (it has become a habit, that we go to aldaba every after training...) coz no one wanted to bring them there. the original plan was to make the applicants carry the drums, but we wouldn't concede. so the order transferred to the late comers... still no one conceded. for fairness, we finally decided to play this game which actually doesn't have a title, if it's even a game. the object is to race towards a rendez-vous (in this case, gerson = head drummer) and the last ones to do so will do the work. the catch is, you have to spin yourself first in this unexplainable crouching position 10 times, so before you even stand up, you cant keep balance anymore. it's so funny, i can remember running towards gerson, but my feet kept on carrying me the other way. it was really funny. and fun.

o before that, we had our quasi-initiation rites at casaa, as, and fc... we cheered in front of everybody, something i really wont do for a thousand bucks, but i would for pep, haha, whatver.

then yesterday i had my first power hitting session, and man, it was... HARD! fuck my fingers were throbbing all night after that. but well, anything for pep.

then today, went to drews, drank shots, kisses, lots lots whateverthings, friends, new acquaintances, whateverthings.

blah.

je suis tres heureux... allez!

...

to the girl i have erred.

we should stop this throwing-daggers-thing... only low-lives do this. we shouldn't. i shouldn't.

i would want to say sorry for causing too much rut. maybe im really ignorant, if that's what you say. maybe i really haven't grown up since whenever. but well, i would actually prefer being ignorant, coz it still bothers me until now that i may have been one of the bad guys myself. being ignorant keeps me innocent, at least. so sorry, let's be happy, and we'll be friends of course. see ya round!

...

donne moi une coupine!

-heureux-