Ultimo

antagal ng mame. uwing uwi na ko! not a very white christmas after all. arghh! last na talaga to. adik! may reunion ata bb42 sa december 28 sa mcdo. kitakits!

17. He who angers you controls you. (amaranthine - http://www.jej-lique.1l.com/) - take a glimpse here, you'll find this heart-warming love quote at the end of entry dated 2005-12-16...

-heureux-

Bellarmine

yey! uwian na tomorrow! feel the cool of lipa under my skin, oh yeah!

for the first time in months, i practiced my pastoral rights... or is it really a right to attend mass, specifically simbang gabi? is it not an obligation for a very traditional christian? well.. im non-practicing so... no regrets. i just feel like it's so hypocritic.. attending mass. you know you have to dress up like there's some gimmick or whatever. that doesn't work for me.

but im still christian, the plain old christian me. i still believe in the existence of a higher being, which is proof to the saying that the strongest forces are the things we cannot see. i still believe that the Bible is an inspirational book, and that the shortest and most powerful word in my vocabulary is... God.

well anyhows, i went to the Church of the Gesu in Ateneo to have my first simbang gabi this year. was with lynnie. before mass started, i shot some photos first. salivated when i first saw the bright lights ateneo spent time to put up. the bell field was awesome, what can i say. the lanterns are even better:

the ambience was really romantic, should have brought a girlfriend there and kissed french in the middle of the cold night. made me realize that it's better to shoot a photo by urself than download it on the internet. so we went to mass, then went to starbucks to increase my collection of stickers so i get the starbucks planner for 2006. 5 more stickers to go. then mcdo, still with lynnie, ordered some fries. met jejo while eating. talked about something lynnie was planning for something. go you!

just felt once again the spirit of christmas, haha, like what i always said. i wish UP could muster some effort to at least put some christmas lights on the barren gray buildings. but then UP has to remain as secular as, say harvard, to maintain it's name. putting up christmas lights would have meant invasion of free lands for the muslims or the buddhists or the others.

i wanna have a laptop for christmas. better yet, i want to learn the keyboard this christmas. can i do that in two weeks? i hope so. i have the drive, yeah! geez, i really want to play the keyboard. i had this music teacher way back in elementary and she said my hands are fit for playing the piano because my fingers are long and thin. they could easily grasp the keys. since then i had this little inkling to play the piano. but then i realized that the piano is hard to play because its keys are, sort of, manual. so id hit it on the keyboard instead.

for the last time before the day arrives, everyone... Happy Christmas!

too bad i'll spend another cold white christmas this year. hay. cheers for a better love life next year! si len kasi eh! panira. haha. bleh. bya! till next year.

-heureux-

Me

just me.

-heureux-

Resolution

bored.

ive been thinking about my new year's resolution and i've come up with this:

i will get myself wasted drunk on summer...

or maybe this:

i will put life to my dead love life.

whaddyathink?

-sighing-

A/P's

Thata! BB42 people in the UP Department, pay ur A/P's next year.

-corpo-

Heureux

2:59 am. this is the latest ive gone so far.

len, please read this...
may i just say that im bothered having ur stuff here at home. mum's coming to fetch me on sunday, and i dont think it's a good idea having her see this on the top of my book pile (i put it there... haha, display! or air freshener maybe, mabango eh... how do u use it anyway?).

lynnie...
im not deleting ur candid photo. instead, im going to post it somewhere for everyone to see. YAHA! bleh! ;-)

carla...
we goin get that summer job aryt?

myself...
do not be afraid, just go with the flow. dont think of the future.

sarsi...
sori, i wasn't able to give ur gift. i know ur mad at me. please be not, it's christmas.

daryl...
u are a compendium of quotes. im sori i cant go at uste's paskuhan. tsk tsk tsk. too bad. i dont even know how to go there.

aizel...
i cant go to paskuhan.

noel...
i dont know this sem's pe3 sked eh. wag ka na magpakita kay sir cagas!

starbucks...
do prepare that planner for im gonna get it and own it soon! next year!

ate lida...
you damaged one of my sweaters! waah! there's this big patch at the front that's pale yellow instead of canary. now i cant use it anymore! huhu.

gash...
you better heal urself or else...

others...
happy christmas. may we all be happy for the rest of our lives. some lives are just worth loving. just worth loving. be happy everyone!

hey! it's already 3:12! for the record, ive been awake during the wee hours of morning for the first time in my life. will do more first times in the future!

-heureux-

Borealis

hhfff. cleansed my wound a while ago. geez. had a hard time taking the gauze off coz it stuck to the wound, and some of the blood had dried up, so i had to swab lots of hydrogen peroxide so it would come off. agua is stinging. darn the television set. darn the weak box.

me thinks the wound opened again. it looks like this:

ouch. i can see my meat. take a closer look:


eek. at least there's some improvement. anyhows...

hark how the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to sing throw cares away

jesus is here bringing good cheer to young and old, meek and the bold

ding dong ding dong, that is their song, with joyful ring, all caroling

one seems to hear words of good cheer from everywhere filling the air

oh how they pound, raising the sound o'er hill and dale, telling their tale

gaily they ring while people sing songs of good cheer, christmas is here

merry merry merry merry christmas, all the bells are singing merry christmas

on and on they send, on without end, their joyful tone to every home

hark how the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say throw cares away...

jesus is born!

haay. downloaded the vienna boys choir version of carol of the bells. then downloaded another version, the most traditional i have yet to hear, and the most beautiful too.

watched polar express a while ago. really fun, the movie. i've kept the animation in my computer for the longest time, telling myself that id wait until december to watch it. now that it's demi-mois de decembre, i watched it, and felt once again the spirit of christmas.

in polex there is this sleigh bell whose lovely sound can only be heard by a believer. the end of the movie talks about hero boy still hearing the beautiful sleigh bell's chant even when he's old, even when his sister ceased hearing it, even when the other kids don't hear it anymore.

christmas is wonderful, sleigh bells are fascinating. and santa claus is for believers.

before i die, i want to see the aurora borealis.

from my seat i can see the gold and turquoise lanterns illuminating the atenean fields. the simbang gabi began yesterday. the church of the gesu will be in full glory once again.

9 days to christmas. can't feel any better.

joyeux noel et bonne annee!

-bell-

Wound

very unfortunate day today.

was reviewing my notes in stat101 earlier, checkin out the freakingly mangled pieces of notes i took down. when i was done, i tried to return it back to the compartment where it has always been on the top of the cabinet. unfortunately stupid me, i used a box to reach it, and when i shoved my notes in its place, the box gave way, and i crashed at the edge of the television, giving me this long, nasty, and painful cut at the side of my midribs.

darn! wound should win an oscar for inducing such pain to a person. well i've disinfected it and put gauze in it so its safe and sound. still hurting though. awww... cant move much.

haha, had one of my oc episodes just today. i thought my wound would need some "medical" treatment, so i went to mercury drug and bought me some scrubs' stuff (haha, yeah, still into my dying dream of medical school... still mum cant hear my medical calling). i called someone first, u know, about the things that i would need to keep my wound away from infection. someone said i need betadine and cotton. i went to mercury and ended up buying these things:

haha! weird me. now im starting to think im being a bit vain. well... i call it oc. and i have this medical calling, you know. i even bought that very small petroleum jelly. i have this big medical book in lipa, and i think i read there something about petroleum jelly and restorative healing... hmmm... vain!

so anyhows. im still writhing in pain whenever my shirt comes in contact with my wound. grrr.

then met with ayen and vida at mcdonalds. gave my gifts. too bad i wasnt able to give sarsi and tin and lav their gifts... huhu. next year na lang.

thanks ayen for the gift! bleh!

skin diving improves my skin tone. yey! too bad i think the wound would scar. well. who cares?

eto na pu ung photo! bleh!

advanced merry christmas everyone!

-nasty-

Gifts

fhew... really tiresome day today.

had skin diving at ten. prof taught us how to use the fins which are not only very small for my feet, they're also fuckin hard to manage. had multiple cramps here and there... poor toes of mine. i think they've disfigured themselves.

btw, my beautiful day was destroyed at exactly 10:42 am when i saw this irritatingly tall gay primate called brylee tiu regarding me while i was getting my eek pair of fins. had to cover myself before actually talking to him. the primate can speak. it asked me if there will be skin diving later... i wanted to shout at his primitive primate brain that "you shouldn't have asked that question when you already see me drippin wet." but i said otherwise; "yes there is..."

then ate at lola lita's with friends (which are all girls.. grr... still can't relate to their musings sometimes.. the guy me..) then ice cream, then gateway for my gifts for my friends. really tiresome, especially when you're from skin diving and your skin sorta itch-aches and your toes just recovered from a series of cramp fits. had to buy things from beauty bar, solo, sm, p&p, etc. haha, female stores. geez. i really should have some guy friends now. well i hope they like my gifts. their from the bottom of my heart. hihi.

thata. gotta goa!

Choir

j'arrive retard au maison... 12:10 am...

really really tired now. mind-wreaking headache gnawing at my gray matter. arghh... too tired to weave comprehensible sentences so im doing this blog ayong style:

cw10 late, so assimilation of new ideas = zero. then french quiz, committed mistakes so far: 2

then cwts. new friends: zye (zed ygrec e). left early for gen's concert.

then concert. rendezvous: starbucks. transpo: LRT. Concert: relaxing.

comprehensible sentences start here:
-concert was good.


i missed the christmas carols, especially my favorite ukrainian chant "carol of the bells". have to spend 100 bucks though for the concert (not to mention transpo expense...) well it's worth having heard a melody singer, a histrionic tenor, a para-histrionic tenor, and a power-soprano doing solos in one night.


then wendy's. food is expensive and not sulit.

incomprehensible sentences resume:

home. blog.

sleep. bye.

Rheumatic

hmmm... still doing my cw10 assignment which is not only freakin hard, im doing this at wits end. fuckar. prof is a bit demanding; though he compensates his obsessive urge to give us assignments, i still dont understand we're already discussing cruscibles when i still dont know if there is one and only one correct interpretation in creatively written stories. and i have this overly annoying classmate who survives cw10 by texting me and asking me the goings-on inside the classroom. annoying classmate only attended class twice.

praying for the clear mind of professor. force dropping is never too cruel for students who don't know when to go to class and when to be on the proper timing so as not to annoy easily irritated me.

the only thing why i keep on replying was that classmate is from the college of engineering, which houses, as of empirical knowledge i guess, the most notorious fraternities in UP (that is according to this other chem-eng classmate of mine...) and i might get mobbed on the AS steps if i dont reply. see... UP can be scary. or maybe im just too paranoid.

currently feeling defeated for buying my headphones which is not only a size smaller than the one jejo bought, it's also more expensive albeit the similarity of sound quality... darn, too stupid of me, should have bought headphones when Gilmore IT Center wasn't short of electricity and when it wasn't raining. haha, two factors why i bought the wrong set of headphones...

oh well, i might just as well make the most out of it (temporarily deaf because of non-stop listening at top volume of the song: GOING UNDER by EVANESCENCE)

gen's concert tomorrow. still haven't decided if i'm coming, though i already told ayen i will. im not really sure, as my estimates tell me to be cautious. class starts at 1130, then non-stop arts and humanities and languages and charity till 6. no lunch. and it has been my history to feel so sluggish every after cwts (it can really be stressful, honestly, trying to maintain good-boy-yes-i'm-sincere-in-volunteering attitude in front of ate julie who'll be grading my performance at the end of sem...). ugh, depressing, but i hope i can make it to gen's concert. i want to hear them sing christmas carols, i mean when was the last time i ever heard a real choir sing carols?? 2004?

looking forward to "carol of the bells."

i've heard enya's celtic version of silent night and it's, well, nakakaantok. haha, my new lullaby.

almost everyone is bothered by whatver nowadays. tin's brooding over her lost love something, poor girl. but whatever that doesn't make you happy is not worth our attention, right? remember our most practiced dialogue? : "i dont like him/her that i dont want to do anything about him/her..." this applies i guess, unless it's really love, like great love, passionate love, whatever you want to call it.

but look at vida... yeah she's ranting about brokenheartedness just today, but i believe i'll be seeing a stronger, fortified her tomorrow - see her moving on in the next few days. vida's strong... not that i say you're weak tin. hehe, what am i saying??

then here's ayen who, i dunno, i still dont believe you've got over this M thing. hihi, forgive me.

hayhay, another really long entry. just relieving my aching brain because of too much creative writing. boing boing. i hope ur reading until here (tin... thanks for making this blog "your daily read")...

my calves hurt. fuck. early case of rheumatism. eek. too young for that.

-rheumatism-

Photojourn2

I don't want to go to gen's concert...

i dont want to be with her...

-mirror-

Drebit

huff... really really bored. ive been gobbling lots of chocolate kisses here. me thinks im diabetic now. hoping to gain some pounds.
i miss you. what are you doing right now?
so i did some camwhoring na lng...
i'll see you soon... very soon.



harhar... not what you're thinkin...


grrr... i still dont get accounting. the debits and the credits make me go crazy! and what are these types of accounts? i've never heard of them during highschool bookkeeping. pfffvrt...
i feel sick lonely. i need you here by my side.
gen's concert on tuesday. im still not sure if i can come because i have cwts from 3-6. i hope ate julie dismisses me early. hay. i want to watch gen's concert because they'll be singing christmas carols... yeee holiday!
thanks for calling yesterday.
thata! i've gots to return to my accounting...

-accounts payable-

Julia

i think it's going to rain...
it will be seconds before the rain engulfs the land.
i'm bored. jejo went back to batangas and he'll not be here until tomorrow...
when i was a child, a friend told me that whenever it rains, the plants lose life, the sun hides,
still enjoying my headphones.
and happiness suddenly succumbs to gloom. a silver blanket covers the city, and suddenly
there's something wrong though, my ears feel hot after some time listening music. haha, coz the ear protectros are covered with leather. kaya mainit.
everything is grim. when it rains, i would be forced to leave my playmates house... go home
i want to watch monster-in-law. but it's still out of video city.
feeling void inside... for the rain had washed away the happiness, just as what my playmate
drat that renter. he's been keeping that movie with him for a week now!
always told me. i would huddle in my bedroom, cover myself with piles of blanket during late november rains. it's cold. i never liked it that much when i was a child.
...boing bored boing...when i grew up, i dreamt of feeling the trickle of raindrops hitting my skin. it felt good. yes in my dreams. they were tiny drops of medicine, giving life to what has withered, to what was dry.
really bored. and hungry. im gonna buy cheese buns later.
i looked up at the sky, and i was blinded by the arrows of heaven that darted from the sky.
this is the last week of school this year. huff, i haven't really accomplished anything. except for the perfect score i got from 106 i guess... haha.
it felt good. i woke up.
listening to nickelback music!
i wanted to go out under the rain since then. im 18 now. but i have never went out to the rain.
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
but i have always felt good when it rains since then.
(You're the only one who knows that)
i grew up more. i always looked forward to the rainy season, because the rain gives life, and my spirit needs it.
Nickelback's music soothes my aching mental muscles. im loving alternative emo-rock nowadays. still rocking to evanescence, creed, goo goo dolls, avril lavigne, kelly clarkson, and dashboard confessional.
something's bothering me now.
it seems shallow but, i haven't found a girl who jives with my type of music. all the girls around listen to ballads and pop and the like. hayhay.
it will be seconds before the rain engulfs the land. a child is hunting me. i can see him from here.
oh, i slept very late yesterday (i mean a while ago...). it was 230 at my clock. haha, talk about tv-thlon...
"kaya pa yan magpaulan! palabasin nyo ya't, tinyo, inaatake na yan ng hika, kaunting ulan laang..."
i was watching star world, and i came upon this pageant called miss world... ahh, pretty girls here and there. hehe. i find the candidate from slovenia very pretty. the africans are.. well.. agbani darego (as i remember her, the nigerian) still stands out against them. i like dark girls. but not that dark.
the child is crying...
the host says there are only 9 blondes in the competition. hmmm, brunettes taking over the world...
"wag ka nga. susunod pa eh, diyan ka laang!"
there's one redhead. not that pretty. not my type. haay, still waiting for julia to make her first move... hihi. julia? julia? where are you?? yoohoo??
it will be seconds before the rain engulfs the land. i feel strange. i have a forebonding
i haven't seen the candidate from the philippines yet. i hope she's a stomper so we get the title, and the miss world pageant 2006 will be held here, and foreigners will go here, bringing with them millions of dollars, so our economy becomes livelier. haha! the economist that i am. cherishing by the fact that the peso is getting stronger.
feeling of remorse. i don't want to rain. not now. because i can only look from a window.
holy... chemical romance on my headphones. yeah!
i can only look. from my window... as the ghosts of my childhood haunt me.
well, that it. gotta study for accounting pa! i haven't learned anything because prof always asks me to write the things he says on the board. so i dont get to copy our lessons. grr... drat that!

awright bye!
-merry christmas-

Machinist

hmmm...

another entry. still standing to what i said to tin: "im the most frequent blogger there is..."

10:37 at my clock. Ayen texted me. said she's at starbux. she told me to come over, coz unit is really near starbucks. i told her i cant come because im in cainta. actually im not really in cainta. im in katipunan. and i lied to ayen. hmm.. because i dont feel like going out. hehe. eh wla na ko maisip na alibi. hay...

kakatamad eh.

just read ayen's blog. haha, enrico, zach, rodrigo, victor and of course julia. id really like to meet them.

mmm... i think rodrigo is scary. the model he is... really tall. but tin will definitely look good with him. i hope zach is funny as what he's supposed to be. my hunch says zach is a computer game junkie. victor's face is sharp. is he russian? enrico is smart. i can never talk to him straight. and julia is dainty. yey! dainty julia. like her.

and her nickname is not lia!! sarsi, no three-letter nicknames anymore. im done with iya, mia, pia, lyn, bla, bla.

now i want to go to starbucks. i want some coffee...

currently gobbling chocolate. what do i do now??

sleep?? yeah, else id become "The Machinist!!"

Nohooo!! he's too thin. eek.

-sleep-

Lanterns

helo torian!

i had an early christmas present for myself.

i bought a set of headphones from gilmore. costed me more than 300 bucks... quite costly for a device dedicated to music only, but it think it's cool, coz i bought the big ones, the really big ones that cover your earlobes for 300+ when i can only get something like that for 1000+ from the mall.

im going nuts with the headphones. they're big unlike my other teeny-tiny one... and the sound is better, maybe because my ears are completely covered by the heads so i can't hear much of the goings on outside... hah!

i actually shot photos of myself... i can be a bit manic sometimes. when im excited... haha!

haha! really funny, that!

awright! it's working well!

hmmm... i took my braces off, and got done with my retainers before i developed that dimple... abnormal.

hey. it's christmas season. well technically it's advent, and i can feel the chill in the air. i was walking a while ago in katips, and i saw the trees in ateneo in full splendor once again. i was walking from national bookstore, i looked to my left. it was raining, but the beautiful lights cannot be ignored. on the other side of the avenue shone lanterns of turqoise and gold... another one of ateneo's artful-classy-ambience-inducing-antics. i never took that against them. i remember last year, ateneo was also an eye candy. last year, thousands of gold and silver light bulbs luminated the atenean arbolade.

i hope UP becomes that too. but then UP is secular. Christmas in UP is a case under study, not a holiday, not a national event. Christmas ranks alongside Yom Kippur, the Ramadan, and Thanksgiving... Christmas in UP is but a detail of theology.

hmmm... but no one can deny the cheer when bells start caroling and when Christmas songs start playing in the air. aaaahhhhh...

Joyeux Noel!!

Still loveless. another white christmas (make it gray... coz rain is gray...)

-Christmas-

Smiles

thinking of better days.

i watched this cheesy movie, hoping to ward away the pressures brought about by econ106 and accounting 1. movie was about this friend who was madly in love with his best friend, but his best friend was in love with someone else. aww, too bad. poor guy.

well the thing is there are people in this world who love their friends too much. unfortunately, the love they give is never reciprocated enough, because most of the world, in my point of view, is blinded by the rules of aesthetics and society. haha, my drift is blurred...

suddenly i realize how much im missing on the friend-role department. i hope my efforts are good enough.

i find relief in the presence of certain people... i find pride knowing all of ayen's five smiles. i find cheer imitating sarsi's jerky-groovy motions when she's singing. i find enlightenment when i practice french with tin. i laugh whenever im with noel. i roll over when im with darryl and aizel. i just hope they never get tired of me.

still haven't found my Best Friend - that someone who i can talk to in full abandon, and who'd care for me and love me to pieces. huff...

oh well...

friend evaluation later...

-evaluation-

Engagement

Bonne nuit Torian.

Just watched a very long engagement.

it's the latest addition to my list of favorites. it's love story saturated with drama. i just like the story... and french of course. and i think audrey tautou is beautiful.

the cinematography was quality i guess. i had this film classmate in one of my ge subjects and she said that a movie with a good cinematography is a movie that doesn't make the audience dizzy. so there's like camera techniques, color channel mixings, angular technicalities, etc. well i didn't feel dizzy with the movie so i think a very long engagement has good cinematography.

oh, and i think the scenes were interwoven based on a pattern of emphasize-then-subdue. first one scene is fit to monitor, then the scene next to it depicts another part of the story where the previous scene plays a detail role. cool...

melancholy. stretched over the span of a movie that was dead-long suspense from the beginning. felt good that cornflower turned out to be alive. a bit disheartening though that matti's persistence is awarded by amnesia. but it's a part of the beauty that's jeunetine...

le professeur de la francais dix said le realisateur de "a very long engagement" es le directeur de "amelie" aussi. ?? geez, my francais is bad.

a very long engagement is a masterpiece. im glad that i watched it first because sarsi told me that amelie (also a film by jean-pierre jeunet) is better. that way i wont get any disappointment...

thata. gonna write something worthwhile later.

-later-

Caliwag

Fuckar. friendster account for imaginary character is a mess. i hope creative writing professor believes in my character. his name is Shake Caliwag, by the way. he's weird. he's a social butterfly. and he idolizes people he doesn't even know just because his chic classmate says this person is cool.

mmm. was looking for someone to pose for me as shake. unfortunately no one would listen to my plea. so i chose the photo that i have in hand, and edgar's photos are the unlucky ones to be most available. so i edited his face on adobe: bloated his nose, elongated his face, and pop-eyed his eyes so he'd looked different. i hope he did...

there. im done with cw10. haay. ive got to rest my eyes.

tomorrow is work out day. gonna eat lots from now on. have to gain some pounds. tin says that the best way to do so is to eat real food instead of sweets when hunger strikes. for one month. o geez. go me.

ayen has a new crush... waah?? this is the 3 thousandth guy... hayhay. haha, go ayen! collect and select.

*losing myself to the music of nickelback*

taught children during cwts. not really my field. i hate street kids. they're very raucous. well i dont like kids very much in general. they're just so riotous. i remember im not such a pain-in-the-ass when i was in grade school.

mmm. sleep, bya!

-sleeping-

Counting

When I was younger my playmate would make me count the stars. He said if I don’t count them they would just disappear. According to him, the stars are the most insecure elements in the universe and they need constant attention. If they don’t get enough, they will just hide themselves in the sky.

So even when I started going to school I didn’t stop counting them. Until one day I realised that I’ve been wasting my time. The stars are too far away for them to hear me as I count them out loud. Yet looking back, it occurred to me that he was quite right about them. Reading beyond the lines, they represent us and our blessings in life.

Nowadays most everyone spends more time stressing about making money or doing complicated things thinking that it would make life better. The pace of life has become so fast that some people have not noticed other things to which money or fame does not matter.

I fear for those people. I fear that they will forget the serenity in looking at the night sky. I fear that they will forget the beauty of the stars as they shine during a cloudless night. I fear that in trying to keep up with their hectic schedules, their stress will consume them and their shine will slowly fade like those forgotten stars. But most of all, I fear that sooner or later I will be exactly like them.

The people who have warned me that year 12 is going to be stressful weren’t exaggerating at all. This is true especially for those with part-time jobs on the weekends when they’re supposedly taking time out for themselves.

This is where stress comes in. It is defined as the body’s response to various demands made upon it. A good amount of stress helps people to keep alert and motivated. Too much stress over a long period of time can lead to serious illnesses such as anxiety, depression, high blood pressure and heart attack.

As a younger child, I didn’t have to worry about stress. Life was quite simple. It didn’t take a lot to keep me happy. Watching Sesame Street or Disney Classics on the telly already overjoyed me. Then I went to high school and found out that my Sesame Street English wasn’t good enough. That not everyone can be my friend. Worst of all, I realised that Maths isn’t very fun for me anymore. The more I knew about the world, the more it took to make me happy. I felt what it’s like to be pressured and have my stress levels sky-high. It became apparent that I have forgotten to stop and breathe. I have forgotten to count the stars.

excerpt from
"Counting Our Way Through Stress"
by Paula Luansing

Prickly

helo torian...

so stupid to have woken up very late in the morning. econ109 starts 830, i woke up 825... i had to deal with the crunch time by not putting conditioner on, not wearing my shoes until class, and not having the time to eat breakfast.

class in the morning is from 830 to 1130. by the time accounting ended, my stomach is aching. but we have to go the movie house to catch just like heaven, so again i forgot to eat lunch. by the time movie almost ends, im feeling dizzy. i thought i felt my fingertips and face tingled with the same sensation i have always experienced whenever my gastroenteritic attacks showed up: cold, prickly, and painful.

got a perfect score on our last exercise in mathematical econ. results given earlier. got a perfect score. again... i got a perfect score. that's once in a blue moon.

looking forward to francais dix demain. i wish i could be as fluent as mon professeur.

mmm...

me being with girls all the time bothers me. it doesn't before, but it does now. why dont i make friends with boys like me? things would be a lot different. i would have had a girlfriend by now. coz being with girls sort of exposes me to them, and i dont get excited seeing girls lately.

but it's a good thing also though that im not in love in the meantime. not gonna get in love anytime soon.

why do i have this feeling that the company i provide to people is just an add-on to what they have? why do i feel like no one needs me and i can vanish anytime without anyone noticing. why do i feel like when i vanish, no one will ever care to look for me, or no one will ever find me because they never really knew the places i went to??

i have this paranoid thought that out of the 20 people i talk to everyday, only 5 are sincere. the other fifteen just speak to give me a proper conversation or to appear friendly to somebody else.
it's disheartening to know the fact that you are just one person in a sea of people, each of which have their own lives to tend to.

i remember this friend i have, who had no one really close to her but her boyfriend. and despite the odds, their relationship managed to strive in this cruel world. they're actually happy, being with each other, even though a lot of people despise her. i did despise her too, once. but now, i long to be inspired by them, take part with the hapiness that only them knew for sure. if they would only let me. if the world would only share.

-hibernate-

Balanced

studying for my exam tomorrow on the history of economic thought.

what i've learned so far: (really boring stuff starts here, not worth reading...)

We study the history of thought because:
1. of a pedagogical reason
2. it is a source of new ideas (ironically yes, there are things in the past that may surprise us)
3.it gives us insights about the ways of the human mind
4. it refers back to the perplexity of economics as a science.

Economics vs. the Natural Sciences:
1. Falsifiability
2. Replication
3. Complexity
(i don't really know what these things are, i just remember prof de dios' attempt to vividly bring to life the sigmoid function... well i think they're worth remembering...)

Views on Mercantilism:
Schmoller: Mercantilism is a policy of economic unity
Cunningham: Mercantilism is the striving for economic power
Hecksher: Mercantilism refers to the strengthening of the power of states
Keynes: Mercantilists aimed for the relative advantage of their nations

According to Hechsher, Mercanitilism is different avant to the universal static ideal of the Middle Ages and a little stunted from equalling the laissez-faire. haha, whatver.

Feudalism (is exemplified by the feoff system)
Jean-Baptiste Colbert, a French Head General and Prime Minister, devised policies for a feudal France:
1. There should be a unification of policies over large areas. He did this through the Cinque Grosses Fermes.
2. There should be large-scale infrastructures like the Canal du Midi.
3. A French merchant marines and nave should be formed.
4. There should be awards for monopolistic privileges.

PW von Horneck's nine points for Mercantilism:
1. Land should be used for agriculture, mining, and manufacturing.
2. Raw materials should be used for domestic manufacturing.
3. Encourage big working population.
4. Discourage the export of gold
5. Discourage the import of goods
6. Only allow the import of raw materials.
7. Use barter for exchange instead of metals.
8. Export surplus manufactures.
9. Do not import goods sufficiently supplied domestically.

*secular means no biases

David Hume's Price-specie Flow Mechanism:
-The Balance of Trades will increase as a result of the shift of the IS Curve, but it will return to it's original point.

Keynes' Reconstruction:
-The Balance of Trades will increase as a result of the shift of the IS Curve, but the LM Curve will shift correspondingly, to remain at the same r with a higher Y.

boring stuff ends here...

ugh. i hope i remember this tomorrow morning. everything that's academic in me seems to be falling out of place, i don't think im as bright as the high school me anymore.

gained a little pride though; i balanced my accounting assignment. yeeha! accountancy is not really my field. it's one of those darn subjects i got the lowest grades when i was in high school. it came along with philippine literature, technology and home economics, practical electricity, ughf... these subjects make me sick.

but nevertheless, today was the first day i ever balanced a journal. that's worth cherishing.

studied at starbucks nga pala. konti n lng, makukuha ko na ung organizer. (haha, 12 more stickers to go...) i like studying at starbucks. i think mari's still there doing her psych experiment's related lit...

haay. blog's getting boring. i really cant find anything that's so interesting in me. maybe if i start talking of my past flings, id get the blog started. get me out of this alternate universe first.

to tuuut, i thinkit's alright to get pissed off by somebody. its normal. it assures you that you're still human. besides it's healthy. i guess.

i envy kring. she's always happy nowadays. maybe because of *******.

yes, it's because of *******. i just checked out her blog.

i hope lynnie's somber right now.

the seniors are such losas. their constant apprearance did nothing to tarnish my view of the losers that they are. poor people didn't experience anything during undergrad years, that's why they doin it now. it's crunch time! pet yesterday, kiss today, fuck tomorrow. get pregnant a week later. unfortunately kept the condom guy used, showed it to him to prove preggyness. parents discovered nasty condom later. got grounded. with a baby. tried pills. failed. tried abortion. lacerated inner walls of vagina. had a deppressed fit. claims life was destroyed by guy who served as pre-graduation fling.

every disastrous thing can happen before this semester ends.

i pray for the souls of the destroyed...

-reverse optimism-

Theme

good morning torian!

me's surfing early in the morning. im so bored. gots lots of assignments to do but i dont have the drive to. currently eating my fastfood breakfast.

chatted with aizel a while ago. aizel fell in love with mr. gwapito-silent-type-at-the-party who later turned out to be gay, and danced wildly. haha, poor gurl, says she thought love at first sight was true. now she's doubting again, and soothing a broken heart. go gurl, get over it!

jejo slept over at boss mike's crib, so im all alone. planned to have another movie marathon, since i haven't turned in bridget jones' edge of reason yet. but foolish me, i accidentally turned it pala ung second movie na di ko pa napapanuod. tas ung andito ung napanood ko na. furk!

so here i am waiting for video city to open. am totally bored.

i think im gaining some pounds. skin diving develops my muscles i guess. next sem i'll do swimming.

downloaded a new service pack for windows xp. my desktop looks cool now! with all the penguins, yey. also downloaded object dock software to organize my desktop icons. man. it was such help. my desktop is spotless clean. try object dock, it's cool.

had another dream. high school classmates were there. it was a party. summer party i guess, coz there was a beach. a lot of booze, a lot of swaying clothes, lots of bikinis, lots of skin. lots of fun. i was walking at the crystal-clear beach shore. it's a beautiful scene. the wind was soothing, and an array of light beams from a clouded sky pointed down to the sea...

tinatamad na ko magkwento. basta it was beautiful.

-gained-

Ayen

yesterday was ayen's blowout for high school kada. was a laugh trip and a reunion combined...

ate at cantina, yeah, my first time. food was good, but the atmosphere was disrupted when my ecosoc orgmates came and invaded the place (haha, me can be easily oppressed - it was the OF barkada). i feel like the seniors are passing the torch of coñotica to innocent freshmen who are so stupid to play their parts. well whatver. ayen's blowout's a blast... of zombie pitcher.

mari and me went there together. found ayen and len there. "len's hair looked like extensions..." nyaha. ate grill food. two per plate. shared with niña. then ayen ordered zombie pitcher and attacked it like it's plain juice. lynnie's a drunkard haha! headstrong girl, drank 4 bottles of zombie. then gen and gerard came. pleasant surprise wieebiee. haven't seen gen for months. bought a ticket from her (she's a member of the UP Manila Chorale). they ate, then ordered margarita. lynnie had another 3 glasses of marg. funny how lynnie got drunked. haha, she drank more than i did (3 z's 1 marg.). so awright, lynnie wins the drunkardest person on the table award.

the drunkards... stop poking your finger there ayen! haha

the enlightenment of lynnie... nice! haha, parang the exorcism of emily rose. harhar, sinung lashing, sinung lashing?? sumigaw ngayong gabi!

it was a losa thing though that friends don't drink much. mari tasted the zombie only. gen and gerard only looked at the margarita. don't remember if i saw len drinking. hayhay.

or maybe im just the one becoming a drunkard myself. haha. i can see the glass of gran matador from here. my tummy's getting bigger and bigger. should have some discipline from now on. but am still looking forward to getting wasted drunk sa summer.

felt a bit tipsy after drinking session. kept myself somber by buying creme brulee at starbucks. burned my tongue with the latte. then went to lynnie's crib and slept over. saw lorelie nga pala. smiled at her. she smoking. turned off. i dont like smokers.

talked lots at lynnie's condo. geez, wasted time by foretelling future through cards. madame niña was card master. haha, cool interpretations. i especially dont like my set of cards though. the other type of prophet-telling is interesting. we're so good in interpreting things:

sinung ayaw ng mga magulang? tuut...
sinung ipagtatanggol sa magulang? si tuut pa din...
sinung pangmatagalan? si tuut talaga...

o yeah go lynnie! ayen's was a bit unfortunate though. i dont really see pets hanging around ayen. he's such a doing doing!

never slept. carla managed some. most of us just talked. morning came and it was officially the end of ayen's weeklong celebration of her birthday. this day is albee's. friends goin back to batangas to celebrate her debut. i stay at condo to do my pile of assignments. had wreaking headache early this morning, felt like puking, but bore it all.

by the way, i want to thank ayen for feasting with me twice! yey. now that we're all legitemate, we'll find out what's hidden in the world of tomorrow hand in hand. to our future! *cheers*

-keeps-

Mari

Torian!

this is supposed to be the first version of yesterday's story, but im thinking against it now coz i dont want to create a single, very long entry, so im dividing my thoughts into parts, para mas masaya.

i'll talk about mari muna.

haha, forget my haircut muna. i know i look like a crewman/military-nouveau/ batang-ligaw/dumpsterchic-aspirant-no-more-losa...

mari's my high school classmate back in lasalle and we werent really close back then. it's just now that we made real sane friendly contact (she reached out to me, poor lost me...). she lived in the same condo as i do. so now i see more of her. she often drops by unit and talks to me about her life and love and acads, and everything that's happening in her personal bubble. good coz i get to know here better.

well, at least now i could get some easy company. mari's just a knock away... *cheers* to stronger friendship.

awright. i just hope highschool grudges had gone by me. and by them. i dont like fighting anymore. i hate violence now. i dont want to argue with my high school mates. after all, they're the treasures i hold closest to me.

-close-

Brokeback

watched love actually before i went to school. story's about love. one of my favorites so far, coz it reminds me that love actually is all around...

poor thing, keira's character's relationship with hubby's best friend guy. how will that end?

read annie proulx's Brokeback Mountain. story's about two married men finding themselves giving in to the urge of homosexuality in the middle of a pasteur where coyotes lurk in the bushes. out of isolation and homesickness i guess. it's a pretty dramatic and emotional story. annie was a very good writer, says mr. guerrero, because she can write the pathos of a homosexual even though she is a she. brokeback mountain is prof. guerrero's favorite short story by the way. maybe he can relate coz he's a little gay himself.

mmm, thata, gotta go to school. looking forward to watching polar express before christmas break.

... uhh, i just so like love actually coz whenever i watch it i feel like i want to love somebody again or have someone love me and be loved. yeah, cool tool for the necessary purging and nourishing of my love-deprived soul.

-cw10-

Counter

no cw10 class today. french is getting harder and harder but i like it that way. hah!

still messing my template. i've learned more things today, like site view counters, cursors, etc.

go me!

looking forward to high school mini-reunion later!

-hoping-

Bubba

wiiieeehiiieee!!

just came from l'universite. bought myself some choco marbles...

yesterday was a blast!! ayong treated us at greenbelt and she's so nice to do so. ha.

but before the kada-out... i dived into chilling water first.

yeah, skin dived early morning of wednesday. fuck twas chillin cold. all of us were frozen to the bones. but at least we learned how to use our swimmin gears. cool thing mine works, and cool thing i dont have to use the ones rented in the university. they looked very yellow - tarnished by time i guess - just like the ancient pool. professor mencias finally attended our class and he doesn't look like one of the buff divers we have around (like dave our assistant instructor..). he doesn't look like a fish like what i expected him to be.

it's so tiresome to skin dive. but it's cool also whenever someone asks me why i have a very big bag with me... "ah, nag-skin dive ako kanina..." oh yeah!

then dragged my dripping self to econ where ayong and friends are waiting for me. good thing sarsi had her car and we were brought to greenbelt by it, freed me from the hassles of riding the train whilst my muscles are aching. then went straight ahead to bubba and ate hefty articles of food:
-spare ribs
-coleslaw
-chicken chips
-whatever salad
-lots of humongous french fries
-did i miss anything food...

taste my tongue, here! it tastes like coleslaw...

very enthusiastic of you vida, haha. sarsi's picking her nose. yurck.

what are they doin in the dark? oops, thats me pala. haja.

yey! scrumptous... then after eating, went to the movie house and watched chicken little. a very nice movie. fish-out-of-sea is my favorite... haha!

then starbucks, got myself a serving of vanilla cream. talked about christmas and weird names. then went home. haay pagod.

lookin forward to more kada outs! on friday i hope i'll be seeing one of the girls i missed so much. anna said she'll join ayen's pakain outta so me's lookin forward to seeing her finally after months. yey!

again im planning to have my hair cut later. mmm, is this goodbye to bohemian-dumpster chic??

i guess so. awright. gotta chat with tin pa... wieeebieeee!

-full-